Crises of Sanity
by Ten Past Twelve
Summary: In the region of Johto, a new trainer is faced with the task of becoming the very best, that no-one ever was. But how can he, when the whole wide world seems to have lost all semblance of what Sanity has been named after?
1. Crimes Against Dignity

**Crises of Sanity**

**Okay, this is a new fic. It's set in Johto/Kanto, and follows the journeys of the eponymous character Sanity.**

**Read on to find out more!**

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Down in Newbark Town, there were exactly four houses. One was attached to a lab, one belonged to a nameless recluse, and the other two belonged to two families, who'd been friends for generations. In one of these houses, a boy with the odd name of Sanity lived. He wasn't very enthusiastic about much, and when his parents kicked him out of the house to train Pokemon, he postponed meeting the... eccentric Professor Elm for almost a week, surviving on the pizza scraps in his parents' trash pile. But all things come to an end, and so he found himself standing outside a broken automatic glass door, waiting for someone to open it.

When his brainless neighbour, Lynn Eeyear, charged through the glass, and smashed into the tiled floor of the laboratory, much to the surprise of Elm and his aides. A shelf with tomes of scientific information swayed dangerously, and one scientist dropped a glass vial filled with purple liquid in his haste to keep the shelf upright. The vial, naturally, fell directly on top of Lynn's prostrate form, and released its contents onto her back. Of course, nobody noticed that minor occurrence, seeing as they were too busy wondering what the hell had just happened. And also surveying the damaged door with disappointment.

"We... we were going to 'ave 'er fixed up tomorrow," choked out one nerd in a white coat.

"We said that yesterday, Chuck," said another one. "And the day before that... and the day before that... and probably the day before that."

A third nerd took out his mobile phone. "I guess I'll call the door fixers again."

"Kick out the girl!" said the second nerd. "This is the fifth time in as many days!"

And then the head honcho realised that his inferiors were talking. "Uh... yeah. We... should... like totally do that," said Elm uncertainly. "What you just said, I mean. We should totally do what you just said we should do."

Sanity was watching all this with vague amusement, but he really wanted to get things going. "Well... I'm Sanity Eldritch, and I'm here for my Pokemon!"

"Oh, sorry, we're all out of Pokemon," apologised Elm. In an undertone he continued, "At least... I think we are..."

"What the hell do you mean? There should be three choices," said Sanity, "And there are only two kids of training age in this bloody town!"

"Well, there you go then, Snappily! Two plus three equals five!" said Elm, glad that the conversation had finally turned to something he understood.

"My name... is Sanity."

The Professor shrugged. "Sorry about that, Sulkily."

"And... the real sum should be three minus two. Which equals-"

"Five..." mumbled Lynn groggily, her voice muffled by the floor.

"Six."

Elm scratched his chin, confused. "What point are you trying to... make?"

"If there are three choices and two trainers to choose one each, then the remainder will be six, dumbass," said Sanity, smirking. "And so I demand six Pokemon!"

"But then... but... then Miss Earhole won't have any!" said Elm, doing the maths.

"Five, then," compromised Sanity.

"Lemme see what I have..." Elm walked over to his desk, and pulled open a drawer. Curious, Sanity followed him, wondering what kind of Pokeballs the 'mons were in. The Professor stared intently into his drawer, and put his hand inside. The boy looked over the man's shoulder, and almost facepalmed himself. Inside the drawer, a number of sheets of paper covered in numbers and figures sat, each one about as similar to a Pokeball as a Magikarp... actually, even less so, because at least Magikarp were red. And round, too. Maybe that wasn't the best analogy...

"Professor. The Pokemon?" asked Sanity, each word punctuated by a rap on the head.

"Hm? Ah... yes... let me see..." He pulled open another drawer, this one, Sanity was gratified to see, full of red and white. But then he saw that the balls were expanded, and there were really only two.

"Say what?" yelled the kid, astonished. He had never thought that his messed-up mathematics would actually turn out true, but he _had_ thought that there would be three balls exactly. Where the hell had the third one gone?

"Well... let's see... this one has a... um..." said Elm, indicating a ball with an image of a blue drop of water stuck on it.

"Totodile?" suggested Sanity.

"Yes! What you just said. It has a... what you just said... in it. Not that I don't know what you're talking about... you just... um... put it so... eloquently. Yeah. Eloquently."

"And the other one?" asked the boy, pointing to the ball with the picture of a flame.

"It was... Chimchar... no, that's the other one... Charman- nah, that's a wing... of course!"

"What is it," said the boy guardedly. Man was obviously crazy.

Radiating a smug air of confidence, Elm said, "Why, Torchic, of course! Go! Torchic!" He threw the ball down onto the ground, and in a flash of brilliant red light, the 'Torchic' emerged.

"Um... isn't Torchic meant to be a bird?" asked Sanity. The navy-blue backed little creature looked nothing like a bird, and even less so when its back erupted in flames. It's cream belly and stubby limbs gave it the impression of a bowling ball that had grown legs and a head. Whatever it was, it was no Torchic.  
"Uh... well... sometimes..." The speechless Professor continued to open and shut his mouth, even after the disjointed words had trailed off into nothingness.

"Cyndaquil!" it chirped happily.

"How'd you become a Pokemon Professor again?"

0

After Lynn had been pronounced unable to travel for two or three weeks, Sanity left the infirmary where she had been kept, and took the two Pokemon, reasoning that there would probably another shipment of critters before Lynn was allowed to leave on her quest. It was a weak lie, but then again, the people of Newbark had weak minds.

"Okay... names... names..." He'd heard that you needed to give new Pokemon their names quickly, or else they wouldn't answer to anything when they got older. His two new battlers were sitting in the grass on Route 29 in front of him, gazing around confusedly. "Well... I could go and call you Wave... but that doesn't have the right vibe... Tsunami? Okay, that's badass." The Totodile nodded in bemused agreement. "And you... should be something to do with fire. Like Blaze or Flint or Coal... how about Burner? Burn? Theodore?" At the last one, the Cyndaquil nodded eagerly, and Sanity wondered why he had just said that. What kind of name was Theodore? And didn't Cyndaquil eventually evolve into something really awesome?

"Uh... could you get out of the way?" asked a little boy, wearing a stupid blue baseball cap. Not one to take to being disturbed, Sanity turned his head slowly.

"No."

"It's just that there's a big battle going on here," said the boy, acting as if he hadn't heard Sanity's short answer.

"What's it between?" asked Sanity, "A Pidgey and a Spearow?"

The boy snorted. "Actually," he said, "It's between me and the Champion of the Cherrygrove City League of Pokemon."

"Say what?" Sanity stood up, his Pokemon following his movement with their heads. The kid was probably just exaggerating his opponent so that he could seem tougher. "Come on, guys. Let's watch this battle." The three of them retreated to the edge of the path, just in front of the trees, and waited for the battle to start.

A blonde-haired and grey-eyed man stepped out of the bushes opposite them, covered in leaves. He was wearing a flourishing blue cape, that was covered in stars, and a pair of equally-blue jeans that ended in flares. His boots tapered to a point, and his hair stuck up like he'd just stuck his finger into a plug socket. _He probably had_, thought Sanity, _he seems just the kind of moron who would do that_. From some obscure spot underneath his cape, he procured a blue ball, decorated with gold stars. With a painfully fake smile, he shouted, "Attack, my mighty Beacon!" The ball arced to the ground, trailing more of those sparkly gold stars, and released... a Staryu.

"Predictable," muttered Sanity. "It probably shoots stars too." The kid, meanwhile, had sent out a little yellow thing that looked like a Pikachu but with some form of physical deformation. It also seemed to have speech impediment issues, and kept on saying "Pichu, Pichu" over and over again.

"Pichu, use Thundershock!" A little electric charge snapped and crackled around the rodent, then leaped at the starfish it was facing off against. Nothing happened.

"Beacon, use Swift!"

"Here it comes," said Sanity, sure of what was going to happen next. A spread shot of golden stars shot from the Staryu's red core, and most of them thudded into the Pichu's body. As one would expect, the pitiable rodent was knocked unconscious by the attack. Sanity nodded smugly, his prediction having been correct. Tsunami stared at his trainer in awe, amazed that Sanity could see into the future. Theodore had, of course, fallen asleep.

The boy recalled his fallen battler, and with new determination, summoned his second Pokemon. "Come on out, Spartacus!" A Spearow fluttered weakly on the ground, struggling to stay conscious.

"What the..." Sanity found himself saying.

For the benefit of the readers and the world at large, the boy explained. "I just caught him, just after we agreed on a two-on-two battle."

"So you agreed on a two-on-two battle _knowing_ that you only had one Pokemon?"

"Yeah."

Sanity shook his head in condescending amusement. "You suck, you know that, right?"

The man in blue flicked his fingers in annoyance. "Could we please continue our battle!" Caught by surprise, the boy gave a start. For no apparent reason, Sanity punched him in the face.

"Don't surprise me like that," he berated the boy, who was clutching his bleeding nose and whimpering through a flood of tears and blood. In a flurry of liquids that originated both in his sinuses and not in his sinuses, the kid ran away, screaming something about his daddy and the police.

Blue man said, "Hey, uh, I don't really want this to have been a waste of time, so... wanna battle?"

"Hell yeah," answered Sanity. "Go, Tsunami!" The Totodile ran out onto the road, jumping wildly.

"How about a one on one battle?" asked Blue man.

"Fair enough," agreed Sanity.

"Then let the battle... BEGIN."

"Use Scratch!" Tsunami stopped jumping and looked confused. "Leer?" More confusion. "Something?" With a sound of glee, the bipedal blue crocodile leaped into the air and delivered a roundhouse kick to the static starfish. The Staryu flew into the air, and, launching himself into the sky, Tsunami clamped his jaws over one of its arms. Before the stunned eyes of both trainers, it slammed Beacon into the ground, sending up a small cloud of dust. Its red core was now flickering feebly, and one of its arms somehow curled downwards, almost like a lowered head. Except that, you know, the thing didn't have a face. Then the red core went out... PERMANENTLY.

"You killed her!"

"Staryu have genders?"

"That's irrelevant! You killed her!"

Sanity rolled his eyes. "The narrator was obviously making a hyperbole."

"No, no, no. It was in all caps; that means it's true," argued Blue man, tears streaking his face and snot dribbling from his nose.

"Whatever," said Sanity, showing a complete lack of concern.

"You- you monster!"

"Well. Could you just get out of my way? I have a Pokemon League to conquer." The victorious trainer brushed off Blue man's protests, and strode off into the waist-high 'tall' grass, his faithful Totodile at his side and blowing a raspberry at the sobbing wreck.

As soon as they were out of earshot of the supposed 'Champion', Sanity stopped short and shouted "High five, man!" Whooping in ecstasy, the two winners walked into a Pidgey. An angry, angry Pidgey. One with a really bad Peck attack.

"Pidge!" screeched the bird as it dive-bombed Tsunami. Confused, the two looked skywards.

"What in the name of Ho-oh is-" The Pidgey missed, and smacked into Sanity's face, leaving three parallel gashes in one of his cheeks. "!" he screamed to the heavens, and his Totodile obeyed the command by leaping into the air and landing on top of the bird. Feathers and curse words in Pokespeak flying, the two spiralled three feet to the ground, and then the last foot or so when Tsunami smashed the Pidgey's back with a bone-cracking headbutt. Bleeding from several wounds and limping, the Totodile went back to his trainer.

"So... so far 'something' means a roundhouse kick and then a smash into the ground with his mouth, and '' means-" Tsunami leaped into the air, and ten seconds later, a second dead Pidgey fell from the skies, the starter astride it's twisted back. "Ouch."

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After Tsunami was knocked out in a particularly brutal battle with a territorial pack of Sentret, Sanity sent out Theodore, who had woken up of his own accord. After launching a fireball into the middle of several nervous Rattata, however, the Cyndaquil would have no more, and fell asleep amidst of the cries of burning Pokemon. Sanity, in his usual, apathetic, way, shrugged this off and for the next twenty or so battles, punched out the little critters with his bare fists. Just as the sun was setting, he got bored and crossed the border into Cherrygrove City, an act which no puny wild Pokemon could possibly hope to achieve.

"Why is it that every time a Rattata tries to get in here, they just vanish?"

"Technology," grunted the ever-so-charming Nurse Joy through a mouthful of Spearow leg. "Teleporters at the exits of the city cause anything that hasn't been caught or isn't human to appear in a random place in Route 29."

"But... suppose that a Sentret appears in a boulder?"

"Tough luck for the Sentret, then."

"Or if a Sentret appears inside another Sentret's stomach?"

The nurse thought for a second. "Tough luck for the Sen_trets_, then."

"... You know, for a nurse, you really have no compassion."

"I get that a lot."

"So, any rooms free?" asked Sanity.

"Just the one," said Nurse Joy, indicating a door at the end of the corridor. "Here's the key."

As he entered the room, Sanity noticed something odd. "Isn't this a broom closet?" he asked.

"Yeah. But then, they all are."

"You know, for a nurse, you really, _really_ have no compassion."

"I get _that_ a lot, too," she said wryly.

"I wonder why," he muttered under his breath as he made a bed out of styrofoam pellets and cardboard boxes.

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**What do you think? Tell me. TELL ME.**

**It's in all capitals, that means that there's no denying it.**


	2. Explosive Return and More Blue Man

**Crises of Sanity**

**Chapter Two is now online. Like a llama!**

**The Finesseful X: Glad you liked it. I read your review at lunch break, and I had a warm, fuzzy feeling all the way through double geometry.**

**Y-ko: Glad you flamed it. When the flamers start pointing out your _intentional_ mistakes, I always say, something must be right. Oh, and just for you, I stuck exactly the same error in this chapter. I feed on flamers' despair.**

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A hideous screeching noise made Sanity throw himself out of a collapsed pile of cardboard boxes and grab a random broom. The screeching continued, from some point outside the window. Apprehensive, the new trainer smashed the small, grimy little piece of glass with the butt of his broomstick, and then, carefully, peered out of the broken window, ready to run screaming down the corridor at the drop of a hat.

There, in the now-smoking front lawn of the Pokemon Centre and looking very proud with itself, was sitting an odd-looking creature. It stood on four legs, a longish neck gave it a regal sort of air, and a gold sort of ring-like growth encircled its midriff. The creature put Sanity in mind of something completely bizarre... It looked a llama!

"What the hell is a llama doing outside the Centre?"

"My name is Arceus," said the llama, not sounded affronted or slighted in the least.

"I said, 'what the hell is a llama doing outside the Centre'. Not, 'what is your name'."

The llama seemed surprised for a second, and his head twisted back and forth. "There's a llama here? Gosh, I've always wanted to see one of _those_!" he said, causing Sanity to wonder why he seemed to be the only one on the planet with even a shred of intelligence.

"It left," said Sanity, choosing the easy way out over the arduous, painful way.

"Drat. Well, I just wanted to say something to you... lemme think back..."

A thought, or memory, or realisation, struck the trainer. "Say... aren't you meant to be some Crystal Dragon Jesus thing or the other?"

"Well," said the llama, "There's tonnes of evidence that I'm not God. Just try asking a Nurse Joy how her Pokemon Centre could possibly keep on running even though its services are completely free. But, to the point, I've been told by Puff the Ghostly Dragon to tell you to tell me what you want to know about your future. And then I have to tell you what you told me to tell you."

Sanity asked the llama to repeat what he had just said, and took out a piece of paper and a pen. "So... You've been told to tell me to tell you what I want to know about my future, and then you have to tell me what I told you to tell me?" asked Sanity, reading from his sheet of paper.

"Um... yeah."

"Okay, then," he grinned, but on the inside he wondered who this 'Puff' really was. "How about..." He briefly considered _not_ asking the llama if he would ever become the greatest Pokemon Champion in universe, but then figured that there was no point. "Will I become the very best, _that_ no-one ever was?"

"At what?"

"At Pokemon training," said Sanity in a patronising tone, which, he figured, was how this 'Puff' spoke to the llama all the time.

"Oh, that's an easy one! Yes, yes you will."

"Can I ask you something else?"

"Fire away," said the llama, not suspecting a thing.

"Will I cook a billion poffins in one day?"

"Oh, that's an easy one! Yes, yes you will," answered the llama, somehow managing to act like he hadn't just said the exact same thing twice.

Sanity thought the next one over. "Will the world end tomorrow?"

"Oh, that's an easy one! Yes, yes you will," said the llama, not batting an eyelid.

"Uh-huh... I think I'll just go back to sleep."

The llama nodded stupidly, not realising his own mistake. "Well, tell me if you see any llamas!"

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Now, Sanity had figured out pretty early on in his life that other people weren't as smart as him. But the llama had surpassed even his usual expectations upon meeting a stranger. As a result, he was far too amazed to fall asleep again, and, obeying a timely rumble from his stomach, went down into the kitchen, ready for a slap-up meal. What he found was a burned breakfast bagel and a glass of metallic-tasting milk. Choosing a seat near to the Nurse's desk, Sanity found himself wondering about the llama's 'evidence' that God didn't exist.

"Say, Nurse, how does your Pokemon Centre-"

"- keep itself running without any revenue from all the healing it does?"

"Er... yeah."

The Nurse seemed to have an internal debate with herself, before giving a sigh and choosing let the Meowth out of the bag. "Well, we often need to cut costs for our drugs and food..."

"Like?" asked Sanity, taking a swig of his milk and pretending it tasted good.

"Oh, we usually substitute Miltank's milk with Rattata's."

Horrified, Sanity spat out all of his milk with a retching sound, leaving a viscous white streak on the table in front of him. Not amused, the nurse continued, distastefully eyeing the table. "And we reserve the right to press charges against anyone who dirties the interior of our spotless Centre."

"Wha' a-ou' thuh _ekth_te'iah?" asked Sanity, using his bagel to scrape his tongue clean of Rattata milk.

"Anyone who graffitis our walls is liable to be shot," replied Nurse Joy, idly scrubbing up the mess Sanity had made with a dirty rag. "And so is anyone who vandalises our property." The trainer froze, as if trapped in time.

After half a minute, he relaxed. "You know, for a nurse, you have no fu-"

"Oh, and we also have a swear box," the nurse added with nonchalance.

"- forget I said anything."

Joy nodded evilly. "That's the spirit, kid."

An abrupt, explosive noise shook the entire building, causing Sanity to drop his half-eaten breakfast bagel. Or at least providing him with a good excuse not to eat it.

"What was _that_?" said a person that would never show up again beyond this chapter. Looking through the parlour window, Sanity was thoroughly unsurprised to see a squad of angry-looking Voltorb plonked somewhat uncomfortably in the wreckage of a Pokemart. He was more surprised to see Blue man behind the exploding balls, an expression of pure hatred on his face.

"Come on out and meet your fate, murderer!"

"Um... why would I do that?"

It evidently hadn't occurred to Blue man that Sanity might not _want_ to leave the safety of a Pokemon Centre, disregarding any number of psychotic nurses. So he stood there, a fire burning merrily on the hem of his now-tattered cape, at a complete loss as to what to say.

"Well... because... the... something... I don't know, just come out!"

"I don't think I will," retorted Sanity politely.

"I'll blow up the whole city! I'll kill you all!"

A police officer, who had been interrupted from eating a burned breakfast bagel that he had found lying around on the floor, when the boy next to him had started arguing with the guy with the pack of Voltorb, heard exactly what Blue man had just said. "Guys," he whispered into his radio, "we may have a little problem at the Centre."

A woman at the other end gave a derisive snort. "That's what you said when that serial killer was found in a tree. Dead."

"Well, there was another serial-"

"Guys, guys," said the third officer. "We're deviating from the plot here."

"There's a crazy guy with a pack of Voltorb in the smoking remains of our Pokemart," concluded the first officer calmly.

There was a stunned silence on the other side. "Chad, remember our little bet?" said the second voice finally.

"Okay, okay, I owe you fifty bucks. Arceus, what I wouldn't give for a normal day!"

"Oh, and he's just threatened to wipe out the entire city in a supermassive Voltorb detonation," added the first officer. "He's crying now... something about bacon?"

"We're on our way," said Chad. "We have orders to arrest anyone who is prone to randomly switch from threatening people with explosions to talking about luncheon meats."

"Well, usually bacon isn't eaten inside a-"

"Shut up and get the civilians out of the area!"

Meanwhile, Blue man was ranting about his poor deceased Staryu, and Sanity wondered if he could grab a bacon sandwich while the guy threw another tantrum. He also wondered, albeit more vaguely, if the Voltorb could shoot stars too. And then he decided that, if nothing else, he would shut this moron up, if only to prove that the star thing just didn't work.

"I challenge you to a two-on-two Pokemon battle!" he shouted, halting Blue man in the middle of a keening wail full of grief.

Wiping his nose with a tissue swiped from the shop, the slightly unhinged man said, "Fine! Fine, be that way! Return, Bolt, Starshine, Crackle, Zap and Sunny!"

"You... you named all of them?"

"What's wrong with that?" whined Blue man, putting his Pokeballs back into his cape.

_What is it with this guy and Pokemon that have indeterminate genders?_ thought Sanity. "Can you even tell the difference between them?"

Struggling to hold back another onslaught of tears, Blue man stuttered incomprehensibly.

"Come again?" asked the younger trainer.

"Let's just have our battle!"

"I choose you, Tsunami!" yelled Sanity by way of agreement. "Use Something!"

"Ha!" gloated Blue man. "Voltorb, as electric-types, have a natural advantage against water-type... techniques..." The Pokeball-like creature rolled feebly towards its trainer, and exploded in his face. "Go! Sunny! Use Sw-" Again, the Voltorb exploded in his face.

"Come on, man," said Sanity, "now you're not even trying."

"No! No fair! How come you have the strong Pokemon and- and I don't! It's not fair!" screamed Blue man, rolling in the debris and soot-blackened chunks of concrete. In his mental turmoil, he slammed himself into a slab of lightweight plastic that was holding up an unstable pile of building material. Because he was an idiot, and a terribly unlucky idiot at that, the plastic was knocked right out from underneath the pile, and it collapsed on top of him. The last they saw of him was a single, dulled, golden star that had peeled off from his sleeves at some point in his ranting. And because Sanity was an apathetic jerk, he let out Theodore and told him to use Ember on the star, incinerating it and removing all traces of the sucker's existence.

"You are under arrest, in the name of the law," said a guy wearing a police uniform and holding a megaphone to his mouth. "Stand down and do not try to resist."

0

In the jail complex twenty minutes later, a badly bruised policeman read out the official list of charges. "Two counts of second-degree murder, one count of intentional arson, and three counts of jaywalking."

"Who did I kill?" asked Sanity, one eyebrow raised.

"The two Voltorb exploded from stress after your Totodile was done with them."

"But isn't that one of their attacks?"

The policeman had to nod in grudging agreement. "But usually they form a magnetic field around themselves to blunt the force of the blowback," he said with a pained grimace as he massaged a particularly purple bruise.

"And I don't remember crossing any roads..."

"When you were running away from us," explained the cop, examining his broken middle finger. It was on his right hand, too...

"You can leave now," said Sanity, already testing out the firmness of the bars he was trapped with. When he took his hand away from them, sawdust fell through his fingers. "This place is made of wood?"

A kid in the cell opposite looked over in his general direction, gnawing on a Spearow bone. "Yeah. Problem is, it's genuine cherry tree wood, and a Tropius makes sure that the wood is unbreakable."

"But... if I theoretically had a fire-type Pokemon on me that no-one had bothered to confiscate, would the wood still catch fire?"

"Well, duh. But I don't see how-"

"Theodore, go!" cried Sanity, and the mousy creature gave a world-shattering yawn before noticing that he had an audience. With the air of straightening a suit, he stood sharply to attention. "Use Ember on the wooden bars!" His back crackling with flames, Theodore released a plume of fire at the confining bars. The dry wood was consuming by the blazing heat in a matter of seconds, and the fire speedily worked its way up the wall and onto the ceiling. Smoke poured from the burning fuel, filling the air with putrid fumes and muffled curses as the inmates clamped their hands over their mouths in order to breath. But now the wooden bars were beginning to shrivel and burn in the stifling heat, and the assorted criminals let out a whoop of victory. The prison warden, on fire and screaming in pain, ran past them, trailing thick curls of smoke and an odour of burning flesh. After a brief moment of shock, another whoop of victory issued from the escaping miscreants. As the last of the smouldering cinders fell to the floor and left a black mark on the ground, the criminals (among them serial killers and sexual predators) charged madly into the middle of a shopping centre, followed closely by a convoy of news helicopters.

"I have a strange feeling that we are going to regret this in the near future," commented Sanity to the boy who'd been gnawing on a Spearow bone. "Say, where'd you get that bone?"

"Back of the Pokemon Centre," he grunted.

"Cool. Remind me never to come here again."

"Will do."

"What's your name, anyway?"

The boy ceased to chew on his bone. "How'd you know my name?"

"I don't. That's why I'm asking you."

"Asking me what?"

"What your name is!"

"What."

Sanity shook his head. Kids nowadays. "What. Is. Your. Name?"

"What."

"I said, 'what is your name'."

"There aren't any llamas around here," said the boy, nonplussed.

"I said, 'what is your name', not 'what is a llama doing here'," amended Sanity, wondering if the universe somehow hated him and wanted to fill his life with painfully inserted irony.

"It's What," said the boy.

"_What's_ what?"

"My name."

"Say what?" asked Sanity.

"My name," said the boy, seeming a little annoyed now.

"What _is_ your name?"

"WHAT!" he all but screamed.

"Have you considered getting a hearing aid?"

"... You know, I'm considering gutting you with my bare hands," said the boy, What.

A few hours later, What finally managed to get his point across by saying, "My... name... is... What."

"Your name is seriously What?"

"It's What."

"Wait, what?"

"My... name... is... What."

Sanity considered this. "What about just changing your name? To, say, something like Howard? Howard's a better name than What."

"What?"

"You know what?"

"That's _me_! Of course I know myself!"

Sanity stood still for five or six seconds. "Forget it."

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**You like it? I liked writing it... but maybe that's because I was listening to 21 Guns on iTunes. The next chapter will feature a Gym Battle! And the reappearance of Lyn Eeyear.**

**Cookies if you know who Puff the Ghostly Dragon is.**


	3. Fighting Falkner's Feathered Friends

**Crises Of Sanity**

**As you may have gathered from the chapter title, this is THE FIRST GYM BATTLE!**

**Sorry about the slight lateness... But it'll probably be a week between each update from now on. Sorry!**

**The Finesseful X: Keep up the reviews, they make me feel happy. And also give me motivation. I mean, anyone can click Story Alert on the page, but it takes at least a small amount of dedication to actually write a review!**

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A third kid ran crying from the featureless dirt path of Route 30, cradling his mangled Weedle in his arms and trailing insect blood. Behind him, Sanity idly inspected the new contents of his wallet.

"Shouldn't we be getting to that city with the Gym?" wondered What aloud.

"Technically, yeah, but since there's a steady flow of weak idiots who have money on them, it'll pay to wait a while and ambush random strangers who we - I mean, _I_ - can beat in order for the legal right to take half their money."

"I still don't get this 'training' thing," said What, accepting Sanity's answer as somehow valid. "I mean, the money thing's cool, but it's useless to someone who can steal prized trophies from a collector's basement."

"Is that what you got arrested for?" asked Sanity, before turning back to issue a challenge at a nearby Bug Catcher.

"Nah, I got time for killing my serial killer father and putting his dead body in a tree," said the criminal. "Although I think the sentence was also something to do with tax-dodging..." There was a terrified squeal, and three limp Kakuna hit him in the side of the head. After a brief, annoyed glance at the back of Sanity's head, he continued talking about his life. "And there were a few fines that I'd forgotten to pay..."

"Pay up, kid," smirked Sanity. The bawling child flung his wallet at Sanity's head and scooped up his Pokemon. Behind his sobbing form, Tsunami giggled and took a bite out of a wild Zigzagoon next to him. At least, that's what they thought.

A weird feeling of being watched by someone who hated him washed over Sanity, and he muttered under his breath, "If it's that kid I punched in the face, I will not be happy." Fortunately, it was not. Less fortunately, he was still not happy with who it really was.

"Remember me?" snarled Lynn Eeyear, who had changed a little since Sanity had last met her.

"Whoah! What happened, Lynn?" asked Sanity, dodging a haphazard punch. Instead of skin, her body was covered in beige fur with darker brown streaks, and two cat-like ears protruded from the top of her head. Small yellowed fangs stuck out over her lips, giving her the impression of a deranged Golbat with all the wrong colours (and no wings).

"_You_ did!" she shrieked.

"What the hell? I only ran away from Newbark with the Pokemon that was intended for you!"

What stopped recounting his previous crimes just in time to notice to brawl going on in front of him. "What's going on?" And then he noticed Tsunami kickboxing the Zigzagoon, who was missing an ear and a couple of claws. "A battle?"

"And then the chemicals that were in my bloodstream at the time were excited by the-"

"So you're blaming me for your spontaneous mutation caused by you having a period?"

"You're going to pay for that! In BLOOD!"

"I think I've already lost a bit too much of _that_ today," quipped Sanity, as she clawed his arm with her painted talons, releasing a spray of the haemoglobin-rich substance that also happened to keep people alive. "So you won't mind me when I say: __!" The Totodile looked up from the still form of the Zigzagoon and the growing pool of blood surrounding them, and leaped onto the back of Lynn's neck. She gave a scream of fury, then fell to the floor, unconscious. Tsunami detached himself from her back and rubbed his hands together, his trainer stooping to take everything out of her pockets.

"She has a Pokegear?" mused What as he flipped through Sanity's findings.

"Best to destroy it," said the trainer. "They'll probably try tracing her through it when she doesn't call home for a month."

"Are you sure that they're actually _expecting_ her to call home?"

Sanity thought for a second, remembering that she had apparently gone periodic at some point, from what he had gotten from her deranged ramblings. "Maybe not."

"Well, now that _that's_ gotten over with, what do we do now?"

"We'll continue on to Violet City," said Sanity. "And battle the Gym."

What snorted. "What happened to hiding on the road, waiting for pathetic weaklings to beat up and take money from?"  
"That can wait until we get a safe distance from Lynn," said Sanity.

"The crazy girl?"

"Yeah."

"But isn't she also on a training journey?" asked What.

"She is, yeah."

"So isn't she also going to go to this Violin City and- hey, where are you going?"

0

In the Pokemon Centre, the nurses simpered and giggled affectedly at Sanity to the point that he was willing to trade them with Cherrygrove's heartless one. He heard a muffled scream of pain from the next room, followed by the slam of a door- it appeared that What wasn't prepared to endure any such insult.

"I want my Totodile and Cyndaquil healed up by tomorrow morning. If they aren't fit for the gym, then-" He raised his fist threateningly. The nurses all nodded meekly and melted to various other rooms, probably to bug weaker trainers. Sanity turned to his bed- despite being coloured a disgustingly lurid pink that could probably have given five-year-olds seizures, it was remarkably soft compared to the cardboard bed he had fashioned in the last Centre, and the mattress was fairly springy. Wondering idly what the next Centre would be like, the trainer settled himself into bed.

And then leaped out of it again when the second massive explosion in a day went off just outside the window.

"What the hell?" were his first words, and he scrambled to the window, fumbled with the catch, and then realised that it was unlocked anyway. Pushing it open, he stuck his head out and saw What doing the same with his window.

"My name... is Falkner."

"Oh, I get it. This is one of those dreams you get when you're about to do something stupid," said What. "Not that I, or anyone I know, has ever done, or ever will do, anything that is stupid or will in the future be viewed as stupid."

"This is not a dream," said Falkner. "I seriously have just blown up the Pokemart."

"Why is it that all the short-lived, semi-important secondary characters in this story have a grudge against consumerism?" wondered Sanity aloud.

"What?"

"Don't mind him, he's just insane," said What, assuming that Falkner was talking to him.

"Says the guy who hung his recently murdered father in a cherry tree," retorted Sanity.

"He what?"

"Stop saying my name!" said What.

Falkner considered this. "You know what?"

"Yes, that's my-"

"I think I'll just go back home, and wait for _you_ to come to _me_."

"Isn't that the usual idea?" asked Sanity, as What launched into a detailed description of his name's history. Falkner was forced to agree, and he threw a smoke bomb onto the floor, before disappearing with a maniacal cackle. There was the sound of a shoe hitting metal, and a muffled _whump_. When the smoke cleared, they found the man lying facedown on the soot-covered asphalt.

"Should we... um, do something?" asked What, noticing that no-one was listening to him rant.

"Just leave him there. Someone will notice by morning," said Sanity.

0

Sure enough, when he stuck his head out of the window in the morning, the unconscious form of Falkner had indeed vanished mysteriously. As had the smoking remains of the Pokemart.

"Let's have some breakfast," said Sanity, but then he remembered that he was alone in his room. Or so he thought...

"Okay," answered a painfully familiar voice. "You're first c-" Sanity tore the curtain rod from it's clamps and slammed the metal bar into Lynn's stomach. She was thrown backwards with the force of the blow, and fell into the mattress, sucked in by the pink plush.

"Get the hell away from me!" he shouted, before lobbing the rod away, grabbing his stuff and bolting into the corridor. Throwing open all the doors he saw, he shouted What's name over and over again, followed by a command to leave the Centre from the intercom system.

"Please pack up your belongings and exit the Centre through any of the conveniently located exit doors."

"What! Get out of here!"

"Please pack up your belongings and exit the Centre through any of the conveniently located exit doors."

"Lynn's back!"

"Please pack up your belongings and exit the Centre through any of the conveniently located exit doors."

Sanity suddenly realised that something was breathing heavily behind him. "Crap."

"Please pack up your belongings and exit the Centre through any of the conveniently located exit doors." He broke into a desperate sprint, but a clawed hand shot out from behind him and slugged him in the side of the head almost instantly. A second hand latched on to his shoulder, and drew him back to face the vengeful freak.

"What! A little help- erk!" He was smashed into a door, and then flew through it in a cloud of splinters. A young trainer watched in amazement as Lynn flung herself after him, overshot and went sailing out the window.

"Please pack up your belongings and exit the Centre through any of the conveniently located exit doors."

"I think I _will_ leave- after breakfast," said Sanity, as the trainer burst into spontaneous applause.

With perfect timing, What slouched through the door in the same clothes as yesterday's. "Anything happen while I was having a shower?"

"Please pack up your belongings and exit the Centre through any of the conveniently located exit doors."

"Let's just go. Breakfast can wait till after the battle," decided Sanity after _much_ deliberation.

0

Stepping into the morosely coloured Gym, Sanity was amazed to find a pair of Kangashkan statues flanking a weird man who was wearing glasses. Also, the Gym seemed absolutely massive on the inside, with the ceiling seeming to be at least sixty metres off the ground, despite being not much larger than a Pokemon Centre from the outside.

"Who the heck are you?" asked Sanity.

"I am... the Gym Guy!"

The trainer raised an eyebrow. "Never would have seen _that_ coming," he said drily.

"Not many do," said the Gym Guy sagely.

"Anyway, now that your brief appearance for the sake of satirical humour has been rendered null and void, you may stop speaking." There was a pause, in which What and the Gym Guy exchanged confused glances, and then What shrugged. "Oh wait, how do we get to the gym leader?"

"Funny that you should-"

"Oh wait, don't tell me- is there a maze of doom and terror?"

"No, just-"

"Some terrifying guardian who asks you a philosophical riddle?"

"It's really-"

"A gauntlet of pitiful low-level trainers who must weaken you before encountering the leader?"

"No! Just-"

"Twenty highly-trained assassins dressed up as ninjas and wielding poisonous blades?"

"Just listen to me! Walk onto that pad over there, it leads straight to him!"

Sanity took a few seconds to see the pad and figure out what the Gym Guy meant. "Does it go up or down?"

"Up."

"I see. Let's go, What!" Without further ado, the two morally dubious 'heroes' dashed onto the pad, and using a complex system of gears, pulleys, levers and springs, it somehow shot thirty meters into the air, then stopped next to a miraculously airborne platform. "How does thing stay in the air?"

"Slave power," answered a boy who'd been standing on the platform and was now blocking their progress forward. He pointed to an absolutely gigantic flock of Pidgey, Spearow, Starly, and other bird Pokemon, all beating their wings to carry the airborne platform. "Now, I challenge you to a- hey!" What and Sanity had walked off while the boy pointed at the birds, and What was now dangling a second Gym trainer off the edge of the platform by the neck.

"Where is he? Where is your leader?" he snarled, shaking the terrified youth for impact.

"Be-behind you! Ho-honest! Please don't k-kill me!" he stammered, praying to the Almighty Llama internally.

"What are you doing to my gym trainer?" asked Falkner, shocking the living daylights out of What and causing him to accidentally drop the boy over the edge. "Pidgeotto, save that kid!" From some point behind the Gym Leader, the bird Pokemon answered with a heroic cry and swooped onto the falling boy.

"Hey, I didn't know that Pidgeotto could carry kids," said Sanity, surprised.

"It can't. It also can't catch up with a boy who's been falling for one-and-a-half seconds prior to it's order to catch the tyke."

"So... what's going to happen to him?"

"He'll die," answered Falkner bluntly. "So, you wanna battle or what?"

"Come on out, Tsunami!" yelled Sanity.

"Go! Pidgey!"

"Hang on... If you have a bloody Pidgeotto, why don't you just use _that_ instead?" asked Sanity, confused.

"I'm the first Gym leader," said Falkner curtly, "It's in the contract."

"Well, actually, if a trainer starts from Blackthorn-" What's logical line of thought was shut down with a pair of stern looks from Falkner and his Pidgey.

"Use Something!" commanded Sanity, who had started the habit of ignoring What's logical yet painfully irritating rants.

"What kind of move is-" Falkner fell silent as his bloodied and unconscious bird was roundhouse-kicked from the platform, and was missed by the Pidgeotto on it's return trip from the corpse of the trainer. "Okay. Cunning. So, I'll send out- Pidgey Mark Two!"

"How come every trainer I've met so far has been incapable of catching two Pokemon that do not share an evolution line? Excluding that moron Blue man." Meanwhile, the second Pidgey had fallen victim to a vicious close-quarters attack on the ground, ending with a roundhouse kick that sent it smashing into a ceiling.

"Well then, go! Spearow!"

"Hey, that's cheating! I only have two Pokemon!"

"Aside from the fact that your Totodile is literally massacring my team anyway, we never actually said how many Pokemon we could each use," pointed out the Leader. The limp body of the Spearow joined the body of the first Pidgey, and Pidgey Mark Two fell from the ceiling and onto the head of the surviving Gym trainer. Amidst cries of revulsion, two more Spearow fell to the bloodlust of Tsunami. At last, Falkner pulled out his final Pokemon; his ace in the hole; his last resort.

"Go! Psyduck!"

"Wait, what?"

"Yes?" asked What, looking up from his game of snake on the Pokegear.

"Psyduck isn't a flying-type," said Sanity.

"It's a _bird_ Pokemon," said Falkner.

"No, it's a freaking _duck_ Pokemon," retorted Sanity.

"I stand by my statement."

"Well, try standing by your- ouch." The Psyduck flew from the platform into the wall, peeled itself off of the wall only to fall into a cloud of exhausted birds, was pecked half to death, dropped onto the floor, and was crushed by the platform when the birds finally stopped flapping and dropped to the ground. "It's lucky that it died before all _that_ happened," said Sanity, crawling out of a pile of rubble with his Totodile in his arms. Somewhere in the other side of the pile, a weak voice muttered something.

"Psy... psy..." (The pain... my spine...)

"Let's just go," said What, leaving Falkner to cry over his wrecked Gym.

"What about the bills, huh? The murder and negligence charges? Who paying _that_, huh? Me! I am! _And it's all your fault_!"

0

Far from Violet City (in Cherrygrove) a destructive force was massing. It's purpose? To destroy Sanity Eldritch and his demonic Pokemon, and bring justice to the land.

"I'm Brian," said Blue man, waving a tattered sleeve. "That evil boy killed all of my Voltorb, and my beautiful little Beacon... and then he left me to die in a pile of rubble."

"They call me Lynn Eeyear... And I seek retribution of the most drastic form!" yelled Lynn, spraying a potion onto her back to heal the dislocated vertebrae there.

"And I am Number Four."

"What?"

"No, Number Four."

"What?"

"My name is Number Four! Is it that hard to believe?"

"... Again, what? Speak up!"

"MY NAME IS NUMBER FOUR!"

"Bummer... boar?" asked Lynn, confusion dripping from her voice.

"NUMBER FOUR!"

"I think he's trying to say Plumber Core," confided Brian.

"For the love of llamas! Num... ber... four!"

"Ah! Slumber More!"

"... Forget it. We must leave! For justice!"

"More pumice!" answered Lynn and Brian, repeating what they had thought Slumber More had said.

"Pumice and justice don't even sound similar..."

"Orange juice? Where?"

The cloaked stranger put his head in his hands. "I'd quit, but I need all the help I can get."

0

**And now Blue man has a name. Dun dun DUN!**


	4. There's Bad, and There's Just Unskilled

**Crises of Sanity**

**The Finesseful X: Keep up the reviews! I'll probably be doing this until someone else starts reviewing. It's a hard life.**

0

"What's this?" asked Sanity, pointing to a bridge.

"Ah, that's the way to Sprout Tower!" said a relatively unimportant support character.

"Cool. Let's go, What, Theodore, Tsunami!" But as he made to approach the Centre with his companions, the unimportant support character stopped him.

"Ah, that's the way to Sprout Tower!" he said again.

"What's the way to Sprout Tower?" asked What, once again confused.

"Ah, that's the way to Sprout Tower!" This time, Tsunami took matters into his own hands, and hurled the man into the lake that the bridge crossed. Satisfied, Sanity turned around, to continue on his way to the Centre. The support character was still there.

"What? How?"

"Who's How?" asked What.

"Theodore, torch him!" A stream of fire shot at What, setting his hair ablaze, and he leaped into the lake, screaming. "Don't get me wrong, but I was talking about _that_ guy," said Sanity, indicating the correct target. A fireball hurtled into the support character's chest, and his shirt caught fire.

Ignoring the flaming garments, he spoke again. "Ah, that's the way to Sprout Tower!"

Much to Sanity's consternation, he saw that they would have to go to Sprout Tower first so that hopefully the support character would leave forever. Or go back home. Oblivious to What's savage attack of fury on the man as he screamed foul curses, he stepped onto the bridge. It creaked ominously, but held, and he took another step, and yet another. At about the seventh step, the entire structure collapsed, and Sanity tried to leap to the shore to keep safe. He missed by a couple of metres.

"Hey, Sanity. How's it going over there?" said What, panting. The man was standing a little way away from him, miraculously unharmed, despite the scene of utter destruction surrounding him.

As a fire truck whined down the street, Sanity noticed that he was still alive. Bringing himself to his feet, he realised that the water only went up to the top of his shoelaces. "Oo-kay... This is weird."

"Tell me about it, man," said What, "This guy just keeps coming back!"

"No, I'm talking about the lake, you idiot."

"I totally knew that." It took What a second to realise that Sanity was already halfway across the lake, at a small island in the centre of the body of water.

"Where's the Sprout Tower, kid?" asked Sanity.

The youngster said, "Right behind you, mister."

Sanity was just going to thank him when What leaped from the water behind the kid, grabbed him, and roared furiously. "Where's the Sprout Tower? Where did you hide it?" The kid babbled witlessly, horrified and shocked.

"It's right in front of you, What," said Sanity, pointing at the building behind him.

"Oh. I totally knew that." Releasing the terrified child, they continued to advance to the tower. Just outside of the building, an old man halted them.

"Who goes there?"

"Old man, this isn't some fort you're standing in front of," snorted What.

"That's a bit of an odd name," said the old man. "In my day, people had simple, easy-to-remember names, like Billy and Alice."

"... I will ignore that, and act as if no-one had just said anything."

"That's also a pretty odd name," said the old man. "In my day, our parents gave us sharp, to-the-point names. Like my name, for example. My father called me Blunt. James Blunt." Sanity walked into the tower, closely followed by What.

The old man looked into the tower for quite sometime, but then turned to a Weedle hiding in the bushes. "Young people nowadays! Thinking that they can just ignore us old fogeys! In my day, we always respected our grandparents, and our friends' grandparents, and our friends' friends' grandparents." He glanced at the Weedle, but it had fallen asleep. "Young Weedles these days. Always falling asleep in the middle of potentially entertaining anecdotes!"

0

Inside the tower, Sanity noticed two things. A musty smell from the prehistoric era hung in the air, and everyone in the building was at least sixty.

"Hiya, sonny! Would ya like one o' them Pokeyman battles?" said a random old man.

"Sure?"

"Come on out, Bellsprout!" The weedy Pokemon swayed gently in a nonexistent breeze.

"Tsunami, use __!" The Totodile jumped onto his opponent, flattening it, and it gave a weak flutter before expiring.

"Dang," said the old man. "That was one quick Pokeyman battle!"

"Return, Tsunami." Sanity turned to board the ladder.

"Stop!" A man wearing a bird mask and a brown cloak jumped into the tower through a window, accompanied by a cloud of shattered glass.

Everyone in the room stared at him. "Didn't that hurt?" asked What.

"Yes. It did. But you can't make an omelette without jumping through twelve glass windows, as I always say."

Sanity briefly wondered why he was continually running into people with negative IQs. "What are you going on about?"

"Hey, where'd my omelette go? I guess I was making like a tree and barking up the wrong one," said the man.

"I will choose to ignore that," said Sanity.

"But, as I was saying (before I made an omelette), stop!" continued the man, unaware of Sanity's articulations. Pulling a crumpled and folded piece of paper from his shirt pocket, he added, "For I am a highway robber!"

"I'm no expert, but this isn't a highway," said Sanity.

"Whoops. It was a... an April Fool's day joke!" replied the man.

Sanity considered this display of lunacy. "We don't use the Georgian calender here."

"Well... then... I... I'm really a highway robber!"

"Sure," said What, not entirely sure of what was going on. "What highways are you robbing today?"

"What," muttered Sanity, "There aren't any highways for the next five regions over."

"I totally knew that."

The man unfolded his piece of paper. "This," he said dramatically, "is proof of my highway robber... robbery-ness." Proceeding to read from the paper, he went into a detailed account of how many Grumpig there would be if six were put into a cage and then three died. "So, now we all know that three minus six is four!"

"I get that, but what has this got to do with robbing highways?" said What, using the calculator function on his stolen Pokegear.

"Er... I guess it was the wrong paper?"

Looking around, What noticed something he considered strange. "Where's Sanity run off to?"

0

As soon as the self-professed 'highway robber' started talking about Grumpig, Sanity decided it was time to exit stage left. After using Tsunami to rip three Bellsprout from the ground and slam them into the weird central pillar that gave the occasional foreboding grating sound, Sanity realised that he didn't actually have to fight the grass-types. He could easily just walk past the things and their elderly trainers, considering that they didn't seem to be able to do anything other than sway harmlessly.

"Hey! Hey, you young ruffian! Don't just walk away! We got some unsettled business!"

"Do you want me to pull _your_ daisies too?" asked Sanity sarcastically. "Just let me get to the top so that I can come back down again."

"Say what?" In the old man's confusion, Sanity slipped up the ladder and escaped, stage left.

"Welcome to my house!" shouted yet another old man, at the top of the ladder. He had a hearing trumpet in his left ear, and a hearing aid in the other.

"Why? Why?" cried Sanity to the heavens.

In the Hall of Origins, Arceus looked down upon him. "Um... why _is_ that?" he asked a massive ghostly snakelike thing.

"Because," answered Giratina, "I can."

"Oh, okay, Puff. Whatever you say!"

The dragon gave a heavy sigh. "You didn't actually hear me, did you."

"But I'm a good boy. Thing. World-eating reality warper."

"That is not a valid answer," deadpanned Giratina.

Arceus turned his puppy-dog eyes on him. "Can I have a llama, please? Please?"

"_Why_ do I keep you around? Why? Why?" he cried to the cosmic superbeing.

"Because," answered Arceus, "you can."

0

"A purloiner of the highest degree!"

"Lord of thieves and felons elite!"

"Relinquish your gold pieces!"

"And you might survive!"

"Fail to concede such riches!"

"And you shall surely die!"

"Now hurry, hurry, hurry and respond!"

"So that we may have plenty of time to abscond!"

"You actually hired a troupe of singing Grumpig just to sing that song," said What.

"Hey, I wrote the lyrics myself," said the man defensively, completely missing the point. They were still on the ground floor of the tower, and the old people had slowly filtered away until they were the only two left. An hour had passed since Sanity had mysteriously vanished, and most of that sixty minutes had been spent searching for the sheet of paper with the correct words on it. At their feet was a small pile of botched maths equations, origami papers and pages torn from _A Thieves' Guide to Robbery and Scams (Seriously Authentic)_.

"Hey, what's that creaking sound?" They were answered when the thick central support pillar (the one holding up the entire structure) splintered into thousands of shards of timeworn timber. "Why?"

Sanity leaped from the top floor, his fall broken by the sawdust. "Because," he said, "I can."

From the hole in the ceiling, an old man yelled, "Wilma, I think we need a new support pillar!" Sanity looked up and shrugged, then sent out Theodore.

"Torch this place."

"Sin!" As the ceiling caught fire, the highway robber realised a slight problem with the otherwise brilliant plan of setting a building on fire.

"Um... Aren't we _inside_ this building?"

"We may be," answered What enigmatically.

"We are," said Sanity, after clocking What in the head with his fist. "So let's leave. I vouch for Plan Escape With A Fire-Breathing Hedgehog While An Inept Highway Robber Burns To Death In This Building."

"Hey," said the highway robber, "that was mean. I'm not inept, just third-rate." His words fell on scorched air, and the door swung shut in his face. "Dammit, I should have guessed."

0

Route 32 saw a massive cloud of Spearow swarm into the air as an Ember attack went awry and struck a tree.

"Crap," said Sanity simply. "Run!" The three charged down the dirt path, pursued by smoke and a blazing fire. Dead leaves crackled underfoot as one by one, plants erupted into flames alongside them. Ahead of them, a bridge wound over a churning river, dodging massive rocky outcrops. The important thing was that the bridge was made out of wood. Accelerating, Sanity scooped up his Cyndaquil and took the lead on What, eliciting a panicked growl from him.

"Don't leave me behind!"

"I have to! I must save myself!"

Sprinting full tilt, but still behind the trainer, What shouted, "I hate you!" His troubles were acknowledged with a fireball from over Sanity's shoulder, which zoomed dangerously close to What's arm, then impacted with a fern. As it caught fire, the flames spread to the bark of a tree next to it, increasing the range of the heat.

"Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap!" yelled Sanity. Smoke was pouring into his eyes and mouth, and he considered his short but eventful life. Getting grounded for snapping Lynn's crayons when they were five... skipping class five days a week in grade four... burning down a forest by accident as he passed down Route 32...

"Phantasm, Psychic!" A wall of bluish-white energy sprang into being between the group and the fire. "What are you men effectuating?" said the voice. It had a booming, deep quality to it, but at the same time had a feminine tinge, and the three had no idea where to place it.

"Who are _you_?" asked Sanity, the first to recover his wits.

"I," the voice proclaimed with an air of superiority, "Am the studiously splendid, superbly stupendous, shockingly sophisticated and sensationally simpatico... Seventh Serendipity!"

"You kid me," deadpanned Sanity. "That is the _stupidest_ name I have ever had the misfortune to hear. And this guy," he added, pointing at What, "Is called What."

The voice paused for a second. "Well," it continued, hurt evident in its tone, "It took me a fair amount of time to devise such a stunning name, if I say so myself... do you honestly hate it?"

"Yes."

"Then, what is your name?" asked the voice.

"Before I tell you, maybe you'll come out of your hidey-hole?" said Sanity.

"Indeed I shall," said the voice. With a chord of theatrical music and a cloud of smoke, a strange figure appeared before the two boys. It was about the same height as them, and had its arms stretched out either side of it in a dramatic pose. When the smoke cleared, the boys had differing reactions on the revealed figure. A girl wearing a pale yellow sundress stood before them, holding a Pokeball in one of her hands. Her eyes were a strange green-yellow, and her hair, long and sleek, reached the top of her waist.

"You're... you're..." What didn't seem able to get past the first word in his sentence.

"Splendiferous? Supremely serendipitous?"

"A prat?" asked Sanity, rolling his eyes.

"Spectacular? Strikingly sagacious?" prompted Seventh, her suggestions getting steadily stranger and supplementarily studious.

"Strikingly simpleminded?"

"You're... _her_!" What all but screamed, causing Sanity, two metres away from him, to spontaneously strike his skull with substantial strength. "Oww..."

"Ah, I thought you were familiar. You were apprehended for killing your father and then positioning his cadaver in a birch tree, I believe?" acknowledged Seventh. What nodded faintly, clutching his head in his hands.

"How do you guys know each other?" asked Sanity, looking between the two.

"I was previously the enthrallingly engaging, engrossingly enigmatic, enormously economical and endlessly enabled... Entendre Enterprise!" she boomed, taking off an invisible top hat.

"So... the same as now, but with the letter 'E'."

"As a matter of fact, 'E' and 'N'," she said.

Sanity shook his head. "We're leaving," he told What.

"What? No!" he shouted. "It's common courtesy for thieves to join each other on long journeys! Makes for easier loot, and better distractions!"

"Okay," said Sanity after a long pause. "I get the easier loot part, but better distractions? What are the benefits of travelling with _two_ wanted criminals?"

"We both run, and the police have to split up, and then-"

"I can pick them off more easily! I see what you mean, then," nodded Sanity.

Seventh whispered to What, "Is he consistently like this?"

"More or less."

"So, can we just go now," asked Sanity, pretending to not have heard the thieves.

Seventh shook her head. "The bridge is unavailable," she said.

"How do you know?"

"Look." She gestured to the river. All that remained of the bridge was a few charred shards of wood sticking from the edge of the cliff; it was as if they had hit a sudden brick wall. "I was utterly surprised too," she added, not realising that the others' looks of general despair were because they themselves had burnt down the forest and the bridge.

"Can't your blue thing swim?" What asked Sanity.

Coldly, he replied. "_Tsunami_ can swim, yes, but that only gets _him _across."


	5. When Stupidity Comes To Metaphors

**Crises of Sanity**

**The Finesseful X: I think you'll like the utter _il_logic in this chapter. And remember, if you keep on reviewing on every chapter, people will take notice. Eventually. Maybe around chapter sixty?**

**In this chapter, our 'heroes' find Union Cave, and Sanity questions the reason that anyone would make crossing through a dark cave an arbitrary part of any journey.**

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"Fear not, fellows!" said Seventh, drawing a Great Ball from her pocket. "I have just the splendid solution!" With a flash of blue light, a Togekiss was released before their eyes, and Sanity goggled.

"How could someone like-"

"Let us leave _tout de suite_!" interrupted Seventh, leaping onto the flying-type and grabbing the two boys' arms with surprising strength. "To the opposite bank, Smile!" Sitting on Smile's back in the air, Sanity stared down at the seething waters, and wondered vaguely what would happen if Seventh suddenly elected to drop her cargo into the river. As they alighted on the other side, a man came running up to them.

"Stop! I must ask you-" Sanity leaped from the Togekiss' back and summoned his Totodile.

"You wanna mess with us, man?" he said threateningly.

"I- I just wanted to know... how did you do that?"

Sanity sighed deeply. "It's called jumping."

"No, how did you get three passengers on one Togekiss? Pokemon can only carry one passenger each!" said the man.

From the back of the Togekiss, Seventh grinned roguishly. "It took me an eternity, but I discovered that if I captured two Pidgey and taught them Fly with my HM, and then kept them in my bag, then Smile could transport three people at once."

"Huh? That shouldn't work..."

"Are you a trainer?" asked Sanity, Tsunami fidgeting at his feet.

"Of a sort," said the man.

"Well, I challenge you to a Pokemon battle!" he said. "Two on two battle with no boundaries!"

"Okay, then... come on out, Pikachu!" An electric rodent landed on the ground and rushed up to meet Tsunami, who dispatched it with a tail smashed into its skull. "Return," the man said, "And come on out, Spinarak!"

"Oh!" said Seventh, but she was ignored by both Sanity and What, the latter of which was playing Snake again.

"Tsunami, Something!"

"Use Absorb!" The grass-type attack didn't manage to get very far, and the spider was hurled into a tree. "Return," the man said quietly. Turning to Sanity, his face brightened slightly. "Well, aren't you something! Your Totodile is brilliant, I must say... Um, what happened to the bridge?"

"Bridge? What bridge?" asked Sanity, making hand signs behind his back to the others.

He clenched his hand into a fist. "Shut..." decoded What. Sanity stuck up his middle finger, and then swapped it with his index finger. "Up?"

"You know, the bridge that crosses that river over there!" said the man.

"There isn't any bridge. I think we proved that when we flew over," said Sanity.

"But there _was_! There was a bridge!" cried the man.

Sanity clicked his tongue. "Look, how do we know you're not just lying to us about this imaginary bridge? For all we know, you're a Golbat working in disguise to destroy all of Johto (an act that I am not sure would be so terrible)."

"But... but that's absurd!"

"It's only as absurd as your ridiculous claims about a bridge in the middle of nowhere," countered the trainer, eyes narrowed.

"This isn't the middle of nowhere! There's a town just through that tunnel over there!" the man said desperately.

"Ha! As if I'd believe _that_!" snorted Sanity. "It's most likely some devious ploy to get those of us who've caught onto your cunning ploy to obliterate us completely- maybe there are some Scyther hiding in the cave, waiting to slaughter us all!"

"I'm telling the truth!" wailed the man.

"So tell me, why a town would choose to have it's only exit in a freaking tunnel, which could collapse at any second," said Sanity, crushing the man's mind with an overbearing 'logic' parade.

"I don't know! Why don't _you_ go through and ask!" he bawled.

"Sounds to me like you're still trying to kill us," sneered the trainer.

"I'm not trying to kill you!"

"Why are you lying to us?"

"I'm not!" quailed the man under Sanity's interrogation.

"Where's the bridge?"

"That's what I was asking _you_!"

"What's really inside the cave?"

"The town is! The town is inside the cave!"

"How could you have a town inside a cave?" smirked Sanity triumphantly. With a desolate wail of utter defeat, the man flung himself into the river, and was swept away with the current.

"Why did he just do that?" asked What, looking up from his game of Snake.

"A more fitting question would be: Why did _you_ just do that?" demanded Seventh, body rigid. "You just drove an innocent man to suicide with a twisted conversation with only a single possible outcome!"

"A single possible outcome?"

"Yes!" she shrieked. "His demise!"

"Explain."

"You snapped his mind with a long conversation, but there are several other ways you could have killed him. You would have loosed your Pokemon on him if your discourse had continued for long enough; or you could have used your own physical strength to murder him yourself; or you could have stalled him for the time it took for What to steal everything in the man's house, including the walls and floors, leaving him homeless and foodless."

"Is 'foodless' actually a real word?"

"It is not, but how does one say 'without food'?"

Again, Sanity saw the universe laughing at him in his mind's eye. "You would say, 'without food'."

"I see," she said curtly. And, the dead man ignored, the three recalled their Pokemon and continued on into the wilderness.

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"Welcome to the Centre!" greeted Nurse Joy, blatantly ignored by the three travellers.

Just when she was about to slump back into her chair, defeated, one of the kids did a double-take. "Hey, you look-"

"- exactly the same as all the other Nurse Joys?" she uttered, kicking herself inside.

"Uh... yeah. What's up with that? Small gene pool or something?" he asked.

"Shut. Up."

"Come on, What, they _all_ look the same," said one of the others. "Let's have some dinner."

At the table, Sanity perused the menu, flicking through undecipherable French and Italian names, while Seventh fed her Togekiss some food that she had 'found'. What was playing Snake again, and Tsunami was amusing himself by juggling rocks, Pokeballs and Theodore.

Almost the entire group was shocked when a massive explosion sounded just outside of the window, but Sanity muttered something inaudible as a Voltorb spun through the door and detonated next to Smile, covering the bird in soot.

"This is the third time that this has happened to me," commented Sanity, before turning to the figures shrouded in dust. "Who are you guys?"

"I am the great Brian Azure of Cherrygrove City! You may remember me as the Champion of Cherrygrove," one of the figures introduced himself.

"I don't, but do carry on," said Sanity dismissively.

The other figure seemed to be panting with exhaustion or rage or something. "And I... am... Lynn Eeyear!"  
"You really don't give up, do you?" asked Sanity. He turned to Seventh, who had shrank back into her seat in complete terror, and bent down to her ear. "Run!" he screamed at her, "This is not a drill!"

"D-drill?" asked Seventh, confused.

"Just run! I'll hold them off with What's... with What in general!" said Sanity.

Looking up, What was shocked to see Lynn standing ten or twelve metres from his table. "Hey, Sanity? We have company." When no-one replied, he glanced around the room, and was somehow surprised that no-one was there.

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"Who is is this man? Another acquaintance of yours?" asked Seventh, pointing at the vertically challenged individual in front of them. They were stuck in a dormitory of some sort, and either the place didn't have any light bulbs, or the electricity was out. A few chairs and other pieces of furniture were lying around, knocked over, and a big double bed sat against one of the walls, next to an unplugged lamp.

"No idea," said Sanity, preoccupied with bolting the door shut behind them. All the better to stop Lynn and Blue man from entering with, of course. Nothing to do with making sure What couldn't follow them.

"I am Number Four," uttered a dark and nigh-inaudible voice from the person.

"Where is this slumbering boar you speak of?" asked Seventh.

"I said Number Four!" said the person indignantly.

"A _dead_ slumbering boar?"

"Oh holy llama! My. Name. Is. Number. Four."

Seventh attempted to decode the ambiguous hissing emanating from the dwarf. "So noted Obama, 'I blame this mumbled door'?"

Sanity rejoined the conversation at this pointed, leaning against a pile of desks and chairs that had been propped up against the door. "Who's Obama?"

"That was merely what I heard from this man's mouth," said Seventh, sounding defensive.

"That man?" asked Sanity, looking in the direction that Seventh was pointing. "Oh, you mean that idiot Blunder Tore." He paused for a second, as if realising what he had just said. "Hey, how do I know this guy?"

"I am your worst enemy, Sanity Eldritch," breathed Number Four, unsheathing a knife. "And you shall die this very night!"

"Did this guy just call me a son of a-" A loud thump shook the pile of furniture that Sanity had made himself comfortable on, and he leaped quickly from a wooden chair. "Lynn and Blue man!" He grabbed Blunder Tore by the shoulder and stuffed him in between two precariously balanced tables, then threw the windows open and jumped out into a bush. "Hurry up, Seventh! Lynn has periodic superpowers or something, the barricade won't hold for long!"

But the thief had other ideas. "Smile, Hyper Beam!"

"Kiss!"

A multicoloured orb of swirling energy formed in the bird's mouth, and, just as the snarling face of Lynn popped up from a hole in a chest of drawers, extended into a brilliant beam of light. It was more than just a light show, and, as Lynn and Blunder Tore soon found out, hurt a _lot_. The attack launched them through two walls, and they ended up stuck in the top of a tree with a couple of busted ribs each.

"I thought that Pokemon Centres were meant to be _safe_ places," said Sanity, idly looking out the window to check for enemy forces.

Outside, a below-par attack squad was massing. "I'm gonna take you down this time!" shouted Blue man from beneath a sick-looking tree, pointing at a room two windows to the right of where Sanity was standing.

Seeing Blue man and figuring that he would have a better chance against him than Lynn, Sanity grabbed the lamp and threw the window open. With one last cursory glance at the ruined doorway, he jumped out of the bedroom, aiming for a comfy-looking bush not too far from the wall. As he soon found out, it was actually a bed of nettles.

"Trying to run away, are we?" taunted Blue man, nervously looking in the direction he thought the outburst of curses had come from. Behind him, Sanity hurled the lamp with all his might at Blue man's back, and a gruesome snap echoed through the night. The ex-Champion of Cherrygrove fell to the floor in silence, completely unnoticed by his Pokemon.

From the shadows, the young trainer summoned Tsunami and gave a brief command. "You know what to do with it."

The little blue crocodile nodded and flung himself into the midst of the three explosive spheres, then began digging a shallow crater in the ground. One of the Voltorb crackled irritably, but didn't do anything- much to its detriment. With a cry of triumph, Tsunami snatched a Voltorb with his hand, and tossed the sphere in the undergrowth. The other two followed the thrown one with their eyes, but didn't make any moves to assist it.

"I was kind of counting on them being better teammates, so now just attack!" shouted Sanity from the bushes. Tsunami needed no further encouragement, slamming his tail into the two electric-types and sweeping them into the air. In confusion, the two self-detonated and the resulting explosion set off the third Voltorb, which had rolled into a nice patch of dandelions.

As the Blue man problem was taken care of, a new problem was started, however, and this one had to be faced by Seventh and Seventh alone.

"I have your friend," said Lynn in a guttural hiss. "Give me Sanity Eldritch, and he lives. If you don't..."

Seventh reacted with bemusement at her threat. "I have a friend? What?"

"Yeah?" mumbled What groggily, a large lump forming on his head.

"Don't play dumb," said Lynn. "I know you're friends with this person! I saw you talking with Sanity and him just a few minutes ago!"

"Who is this Sanity you speak of?" _It is probably the trainer_, thought Seventh, _but it is better not to make assumptions_.  
"Did he honestly not give you his name?" asked Lynn disbelievingly.

"Did _who_ not honestly give me his name?" returned Seventh.

"Sanity!"

"Who is this Sanity you speak of?" asked Seventh again, her hand moving to her belt. She was going to end this quickly if possible, and she had just the skilled soldier.

"The guy you were with!"

"Which guy I was with?" In the darkness, Lynn couldn't make out the Pokeball that Seventh was holding, and it expanded without a sound.

"The- the- the trainer!"

"I choose you, Sandwave!" The Steelix materialised in between the two girls, crushing What's legs with her weight. "Rock Slide!"

"Rock Slide? In here?" said Lynn, a stricken look covering her features. Turning to Lumber Pour, she screamed, "Get out of my way!" As he hastened to obey, Sandwave's tail ripped through the ceiling, raining tiles and pipes on the three people. The matchwood which had once been a short-lived pile of furniture was reduced to sawdust by falling concrete, and What, freed from the Steelix's tail, was promptly flattened by half a bathtub, the jagged edges of where it broke dangerously close to his face.

"Oh, _llamas_ that hurts so much!" he shouted, his voice drowned out by the sound of rampant destruction compacted into a metal snake and half a tonne of building materials.

"Now, Hyper Beam!"

"Steelix! Steel!" (I will blow stuff up, with a beam of light!)

"Again?" whimpered Plumber Core as a doorway collapsed in front of Lynn, trapping them.

"Nononononono-" chanted What, wishing for the impossible. Lynn renewed her frenzied attempts to claw through the rubble ahead of her, and just as she caught sight of a starry sky, the Steelix finished forming its Hyper Beam and released it with far more force than Smile's attack. All three were catapulted out into the distance, only What's trip cut short by a conveniently placed birch tree next to the Pokemon Centre.

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Somehow, three or four dormitories were able to survive the devastation caused by Sandwave, and as the only people checked in, the three were able to have their own rooms for the night. As they continued onto Azalea Town, chased away by a grumpy Nurse Joy, Sanity noticed a minor flaw in their plan to get there.

"Um... does anyone actually know _where_ this Azalea place is?"

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it," said What. Seventh was temporarily unable to participate in the discussion, as she was out in front of them, looking for something.

"We already are at that bridge."

"Well, we'll just burn it down and have Seventh fly us over it," said What, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Do you even know how to _use_ a metaphor?"

"In moderation?"

Sanity decided to spell it out for him. "We don't know where Azalea Town is."

"Yes," agreed What.

"And if we don't know where it is, then we don't know how to get there."

"Makes sense."

"And if we don't know how to get there, how can we get there?"

"A metaphor?"

Sanity's shoulders slumped. Obviously, explaining facts to stupid people was harder than explaining fiction. "How about this," he said, trying a different tack. "If we can't find the place we're going to, how can we get the highscore for Snake?"

"By playing it some more, you moron."

"But Azalea has a massive Snake building. And you can play Snake for as long as you like there."

"Truly?" asked Seventh, having finally finished whatever she'd been doing.

"Not. Helping."

"Either way, I have located the pathway to Azalea Town," she said, much to the surprise of Sanity, and the confusion of What.

"You must be kidding me," said Sanity.

"We have pathways now?"

"You must be kidding me," repeated Sanity, turning his words to What.

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**You like? You review. That is the solemn law, laid down by the great ancients in the days of old.**

**And remember: I will blow stuff up, with my beam of light!**


	6. In Quick Succession

**Crises of Sanity**

**The Finesseful X: I _would_ give detailed descriptions, but I want the details to remain ambiguous, for reasons better not disclosed (coughjokescough). Also, I think it should be up to the readers to decide what the characters look like.**

**All of the above is not an excuse for the author to not tell his faithful audience what his characters look like mainly because he has no freaking idea what they actually _do_ look like which complicates the process of telling people what the characters look like, considering that the author does not know what his characters look like; not that he _doesn't_ know what his characters look like, that was all just a hypothetical situation that you just should ignore. (I think that was the single longest sentence in any given Fanfiction)**

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"What _is_ this weird place?" asked Sanity.

"No, I'm me," corrected What.

"I didn't really need that." The three were trapped in pitch darkness, and from what they could tell, they were in a rocky cave. That may or may not have an exit.

"Fear not, my comrades! I have just the-"

"The two Pokemon you've so far sent out have had the capability to fire radioactive beams of light for the basic purpose of hurting things. While I have no objection to _that_, are you sure your Pokemon can help us in anyway at all inside this cave?" said Sanity in one breath.

As he gulped stagnant, tangy air, Seventh motioned for everyone to cover their eyes, not seeming to notice that no-one could see her. "Well, I have indeed considered that. So," she said, "I can safely say that my superb selection shall shock, surprise, and surely satisfy such steep standards! Behold, descry! Be amazed, and idolise! Destiny!" A dull flash of red light temporarily lit up the cave, and an oddly forbidding shape was illuminated. But then the light died out, and they heard the sound of deep breathing in concert to their own.

"Use Flash!" commanded Seventh, her voice slightly muffled. The other two figured out why when a blinding glare cut into their eyesight, and they were driven to the floor by crazy technicolor swirls on their vision and an intense burning feeling in their heads.

"My eyes!" cried Sanity, clamping his hands over his face. What rolled around on the floor weakly, clutching his own jelly-filled photosensors.

"Dim your light to half brightness," said Seventh, hands over her face, having heard her comrades' pleas for darkness. The Pokemon obliged, and the orb of brilliance paled. "You may remove your hands now."

"What in the name of llamas was _that_?" screamed What, still rubbing his eyes.

"It was a Flash attack; it's used to light up caves and stuff," said Sanity.

"Indeed it is, my comrade!"

"Please stop calling us your comrades," said Sanity. "It creeps me out."

"Indeed I shall, my associate!"

"Hey, guys, we have company," warned What.

Seventh and Sanity whipped their heads around so quickly that they cricked their necks. What pointed forwards, and they followed his finger. In the dim glow of the Flash, a yawning chasm was just visible ahead of them.

"I wouldn't exactly call an abyss _company_," said Sanity.

"For reasons currently unknown, the words 'sudden', 'brick', and 'wall' leap to mind," commented Seventh.

"So, how do we get across?"

"We burn the bridge down and Seventh flies us across, that's how," answered What.

"I think you're onto something, What."

Sanity rolled his eyes. "Yeah. Drugs."

"Perhaps Smile is not as useful in subterranean areas, but I have the perfect replacement!" continued Seventh.

"Please don't tell me it's that Steelix again," said Sanity. "If your idea is to blast us across the gap with a Hyper Beam, I think I'll pass."

"No, that was my secondary plan."

"So what's your Plan A?"

Seventh procured a Great Ball covered in dumbbell stickers. "Before gods both great and old, I call upon the brave and bold; As with iron I testify, with mind tricks I shall stupefy!"

"Oh, joy," muttered Sanity under his breath. Did she really have to rhyme so much?

"Nurse Joy? Where?" asked What.

"Why is it that everything you hear is always taken as a name?" asked Sanity.

"_I _can't see any llamas here," said What, looking around confusedly.

"With powers of minerals adamantine, I summon an ancient and iron beast! Burster!" A massive form appeared before Seventh, emitting an irritating buzzing sound. The other two caught a glimpse of pale turquoise, reflecting light oddly, when the Pokemon, whatever it was, plummeted from the edge. "Oh dear," she said.

"So your brilliant plan for carrying us across the abyss can't even support _itself_," said Sanity.

"Observe," said Seventh. As they looked into the murky depths of the canyon, a strange blue light pulsed into being, and started growing bigger.

"What... what is that?"

"No, I'm me," said What, ignored by the other two.

"A Psychic attack," grinned Seventh. "The user utilises a powerful telekinetic force to attack the foe, but it can be used to carry things too."

"... I hate to say this, but that was somewhat clever."

"I am," said What.

"What, are we on the same page here?"

"I still can't find that llama you were talking about," said What.

"I was not talking about llamas at all."

Seventh seemed to disagree. "Actually, I'm fairly sure someone _did_ say llama while I was talking."

"Yes, What did," said Sanity.

"What what?"

"What said llama!"

"I don't know, what _did_ say llama?"

"It's excruciating that you can't convey capitalizations in spoken language," said Sanity.

"What's excruciating about what?" asked Seventh.

"What?"

"Stop saying my name!" shouted What.

"Say what?" asked Sanity.

"You _what_?"

"_I_ what?"

"We what?"

"You what?"

"My what?"

"You what?"

"Huh? What?"

"We said 'you what' twice."

"What?"

"I what?"

"You didn't 'what' anything!"

"Who's talking right now?"

"We what?"

"What, change your name to Howard."

"No!"

"What?"

Any further conversation was halted when the psychic reached the cliff they were standing on.

"What is _that_?" The Pokemon looked like a giant flying saucer, with four insectoid legs branching from its disc-like body. It was covered in a metallic armour with a dull blue sheen, and one side of it had a bizarre face, dominated by a cross.

"I'm not _that_, I'm-"

"Let's not just repeat the last minute, shall we?" asked Seventh.

"Good with me," said Sanity. "We just get on this thing and it takes us to the other side?"

"If there _is_ an other side," said Seventh ominously.

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"How did this brick wall get here, and why is it opposite the exit?" Sanity asked the world at large.

"I believe that this wall is blocking off a tunnel for reasons man was never meant to know!"

"Let's go."

"But what about the tunnel?" said Seventh, crestfallen.

Sanity was already walking to the light. "No."

"But-"

"No."

"What-"

"No."

"Sanity, we have company!" shouted What, having somehow avoided noticing the gigantic disc of light that lead out into Route 33 until he was right next to it.

"Company, company, company!"

"Who's that?" said What, glancing around furtively.

"That, that, that!" said the voice.

"It's called an echo."

"Why does this 'Echo' sound exactly like me?"

Sanity took a moment to facepalm himself. "That's what echoes _do_."

"Trick you into thinking that you're talking when actually you aren't but the echo tricks you into thinking you're talking so that you actually _are_ talking even though the echo was tricking you and then you keep on talking, and the echo keeps on tricking you into talking until you talk so much that you talk yourself to death but the echo keeps on tricking you to make you keep talking despite the fact you're dead so you're dead and talking and the echo keeps on tricking you into talking while you're dead so that it seems that you're alive except for the fact that you're dead which then leads to people hearing you talking a week from your death and then following the sound of your voice to this cave and then finding the exit but getting trapped by the echo which then leads to the situation repeating an infinite number of times?"

"No. Just... no."

"HEY! I FOUND AN ECHO!" yelled What at the top of his lungs. The rebounding sound-waves repeated his shout with gusto, and with little warning, a strange rumbling originating from the bowels of the earth started.

"No!" shouted Sanity. "You'll cause-" A hail of boulders plummeted from the ceiling, blocking out the light from the exit and crushing What. "- a landslide. Moron."

"Again, the words 'sudden', 'brick', and 'wall' leap to mind," said Seventh from behind, rather redundantly.

"We could use your Pokemon to punch all the boulders out of the way!" suggested What from underneath his boulder. "Also, could you get this rock off of me?"

"What, do you know what would happen if we knocked out the wrong boulder?"

"Who's this What ?" asked What suspiciously.

"Why do you always take pronouns as names? Why? Why?"

"Because I can," replied Seventh smugly.

"Because you can _what_?"

"Who's canning _me_?"

"Enough, enough," said Sanity.

What glanced skywards. Well, really it was ceiling-wards. "Hey, what happened to the echo?"

"It probably didn't want to get crushed by the rockfall," muttered Sanity.

"How _do_ we get out of here?" said Seventh as a general remark.

"I vote we use What as a battering ram."

Ignoring him, Seventh outlined her cunning plan. "We shall use Psychic on the obstruction, removing it from our path and avoiding a painful and potentially rocky death."

"I think my idea's better," said Sanity.

"I have you now! Revenge shall be mine!" called Lynn's voice from somewhere out of sight.

"_Your_ idea it is," he amended hastily.

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**Sorry about the short chapter; the next update will be extra-long to make up for it.**

**Correction: What's speech on echoes is the singular longest sentence in any given Fanfiction. It has 154 words in total, as opposed to the first one (at a measly 81).**


	7. A Series of Suspiciously Precise Denials

**Crises of Sanity**

**The Finesseful X: It's great to know some people recognise my hard work... although some of the alliteration is kind of simple to whip up. The 'en' ones were kinda hard, though...**

**An early update? Shock! Awe! But this early update is a warning... ish. You see, I'm going to be in a hotel in Japan for the next week, and there's a chance that I might not be able to update. So, don't be worried if there are no updates next week; I'll be putting one up as soon as I get back home. Of course, if I _can_ update in Japan, that'll be cool, and there will be no interruption in my schedule.**

**And now, I present to you, Chapter Seven.**

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"Get me a rock."

"Um... why?" asked Seventh, as Burster carefully shifted stones behind her.

"Just do it," said Sanity, glaring daggers at Lynn. Almost as soon as Seventh gave him a pebble, he drew his arm back, taking careful aim.

"Ha! What can a puny pebble do against _me_?" she roared in laughter.

"This." Sanity hurled the rock far, with enough force to propel it to the other side of the cavern. It sailed far above her head and struck the back wall, leaving an unnoticed hairline crack.

"Your resistance is futile! Prepare to be cancellated!"

In an aside, Seventh commented, "Actually, cancellated is an adjective, not a verb."

Picking up another rock, Sanity flung it at the advancing figure of Lynn, only to miss again.

Sixty metres of slow walking and fifteen pebbles later, Sanity withdrew another stone from the stack Burster had created while removing the barricade, and slammed it with all his might... at the ceiling.

"You _missed_! I was three feet away, and you _missed_!" cackled Lynn insanely. "What a joke!"

"I think you'll find that the joke's on _you_, Lynn," said Sanity, struggling to make himself heard over the disorientating echoes. He pointed at the cave roof, and Lynn looked up. The eighteen stones that Sanity had thrown had evidently weakened the cave structure to the point that a shrill laugh and its echoes would cause the hole roof to collapse.

"I... _hate_ you." Then the cave fell in on itself, flattening Lynn with a couple dozen tonnes of rock and metal.

After the ear-splitting thundering of the rock fall stopped, Seventh said, "I must say, an appreciably artful arrangement!"

"Does this alliteration come to you naturally, or do you spend hours coming up with these contrived... conglomerations?"

"But... how were you sure that we would not be injured as you enacted your crafty scheme?" asked Seventh, maintaining a perfect record of ignoring Sanity's intelligent inquiries.

"I wasn't," said Sanity unconcernedly. "Although with What already underneath a boulder and all, I figured that the universe at large would let us live... for now."

"If your hypothesis is indeed legitimate, then that that would _ipso facto_ render all laws of physics null and void," said Seventh.

"Was that use of _ipso facto_ actually correct?"

"You mentioned that I am underneath a boulder. _Ipso facto_, you must be aware that I am underneath a boulder. So can you please get this thing off of me?" cut in What.

"Certainly, fellow miscreant!" Seventh leaped to the heavy rock and easily pushed it from the prostrate boy's back, accidentally crushing his legs in the process.

"Okay, let's go," said Sanity, as What mourned his poor tibias and femurs. He set off at a brisk pace, but then noticed something rather... strange. "Hey, um, what happened to the rocks that were blocking the exit?" The gaping hole in the mountainside where the cave had been was completely debris-free, but there was a wide path of destruction leading down from it. It was as if someone had taken a steamroller and smashed their way through a sizeable portion of the forest. Or, Sanity realised with a sick feeling in his stomach, inadvertently set off a rock slide by collapsing a cave in on itself in a bid to stop a misguided rookie trainer seeking revenge on a quasi-imagined slight from killing him.

"Oh dear," said Seventh.

"My... my legs..."

"Shut up, this is actually important. Maybe the town survived the avalanche!"

"Since when did you care about the well-being of humans, Pokemon, or life in general?"

"I never _said_ I did, did I? Or even implied it. Or thought it but didn't say it."

"Very well, you prevail. Let us see what we can salvage from the town's ruins!" said Seventh, evidently thinking that she hadn't been heard.

"Say what?"

"I did not just say that we are going to salvage an expensive freight from the recently obliterated Azalea town, nor did I imply or state that Azalea was ever destroyed. Ever."

Sanity disregarded this as another sign that Seventh was a little _non compos mentis_, and nothing more was said on the matter. In any case, the entire conversation was rendered moot when they came upon the town itself, seeming relatively unharmed. There were traffic cones on the road, despite the fact that no cars even existed in Johto, and a lone police officer was standing next to them, trying to look impressive and failing. Miserably.

"Remember, _we had nothing to do with the landslide_," hissed Sanity as they approached him.

"Hail, travellers!"

"Hail... guard dude."

"Have you seen the crisis?"

What took this opportunity to show off his amazing bluffing skills. "You mean the avalanche of boulders and other assorted pieces of rock that we did _not_ inadvertently set off by collapsing a cave in on itself in a bid to stop a misguided rookie trainer seeking revenge on a quasi-imagined slight from killing Sanity?"

"Might I talk to a _sane_ person, please?" requested the guard.

"Of course," said What. "But you're talking to one right now, you know. A sane person, of course. Not a sane person who inadvertently set off a rock slide by collapsing a cave in on itself in a bid to stop a misguided rookie trainer seeking revenge on a quasi-imagined slight from killing Sanity, but just a sane person. Not that a sane person _would_ do that heinous thing, as I (as a sane person) would know, just that maybe there's a sane person out there who _might_ have done that."

"Right... Identity, please?" he asked the other two. As they took out their trainer cards, he muttered to Seventh, "A mental hospital admission form is good enough for the other boy."

"Can we just have a second?" said Sanity. "A second behind this tree, in a position obviously out of your sight and earshot?"

"Sure, sonny," said the guard with a chuckle. "Just don't be doing anything... bad, okay?"

"It's cool. It's not like we'd be forging a signature _and_ a mental hospital admission form at the same time, huh?" laughed Sanity, dragging Seventh into the forest. "Okay, you're a master criminal, right?"

"Of a sort," admitted Seventh.

"Can you forge an admission form for a mental hospital?"

"What would you be needing one for?"

Sanity sighed deeply. "It's not for me. It's for What."

"Oh! Sorry, I just assumed that we were simply going to use this tree to mount an attack on the guard from above."

"How come _I_ didn't think of that?"

"No idea," said Seventh. "But I have my suspicions."

0

"Say, how _did_ the town avoid an untimely demise at the hands of someone who isn't one of us?" asked Seventh.

"Why, I suppose it was because of the well that you surely must have seen upon approaching Azalea Town, which houses our revered town mascot Slowpoke! The one that defacing is a capital crime!" said the Nurse Joy cheerfully.

"Ah. So it's quite a good thing that we _weren't_ the people who set off the landslide, isn't it?"

"Of course." Her suspicion not aroused despite the depressing denotion of denials of a suspiciously specific number, the nurse turned back to her desktop computer. Hopefully, she thought privately, she'd be good enough to participate in the World Snake Championship next week. As she got another point, she carefully directed her Arbok character around a Voltorb, ready to eat her eighteenth Rattata, when suddenly a popup shot from the 'urgent news' screen and covered her entire screen. "Blaargh!" she screamed, before slumping back in her seat lifelessly.

"Hey, Sanity, Seventh? I think the nurse had a heart attack."

"A _what_?"

"What're you saying my name for?"

"She had a heart attack, you say," said Sanity, attempting to stop the impending conversation before it could blossom into a full-blown storm of pronouns and proper nouns.

"Yeah."

"If you'd pardon me for asking... _why_?"

"Beats me," said What, apparently not realising how serious this was.

"Well, let's leave while we still-"

The lights went out, revealing two police officers stood in the doorway, silhouetted by the bright light streaming in through the open door. "What do we have here?" drawled one of them.

"Two ten-year-old male humans who are probably trainers, trying to get the Hive Badge from our town Gym."

"What's depressing about that is that it's probably true. The only people who come here are gone in three days. Three. Days. And Bugsy wonders why people don't give a Miltank's nose when a cave explodes, killing three hundred Slowpoke," sighed the first officer.

"Actually, the body count is two hundred and eighty-seven Slowpoke and two humans," corrected the first officer.

"Point is, there is no point in arresting these two even though they are in the vicinity of a recently slain woman and with access to super-powered monsters that could be used as murder weapons, simply because nobody cares."

The other officer was forced to agree. "And it doesn't help that we've been referred to solely as 'officers' for this entire paragraph, with no indication of identity, gender or otherwise."

"It's a tough life."

"And the third officer's mysteriously vanished, too," he added.

"Third officer?" asked Sanity, already working it out. "What third officer?"

"Oh, there's usually a third officer who puts in the tree, but he's gone now."

"I... what? What tree? What are you two talking about?"

"Oops," said the officer. "Wrong punchline."

"I... what? What punchline?"

"You know, it's a little-known fact, but my last name is in fact Thehell. Not 'tree' or 'punchline'," said What. "And there's only one What in my name."

"What I _meant_ to say," said the officer, neatly ignoring What's commentary, "was the following: Oh, there's a third police officer here. He was put on duty, looking out for harmful rolling rocks, and hasn't come back, even though it's been two hours since lunch."

"Do you three have lunch together?"

"Yeah, from one to quarter to two."

"So," said Sanity, "doesn't that mean that the entire town is unprotected for forty-five minutes while you have sandwiches?"

"Well, we usually have bacon, but yeah. It's also unprotected from quarter past nine to seven o'clock. And we're not legally permitted to carry guns," said the second officer.

"O-kaay..."

"So, we'll be going now," the officer added. "Since we have no real reason to even be here. At all."

0

"What's this weird place?" asked Sanity to no-one in particular. In front of him was a dirt-encrusted old wooden cottage, smoke curling from the aged chimney. The door was cracked and the hinges seemed to be rusty, and there was no lock.

"I don't know, but we'd better run!" said Seventh, panting. "Not that I'm running from any law enforcers or police officers, I'm simply running for the sake of running!" So saying, she took off again, leaving Sanity with the decrepit house.

"Considering that, so far, all detailed descriptions have been reserved for objects of plot importance, I surmise that this door was made to be opened," said Sanity, before pushing it open.

"Hello, boy! I'm Kurt! I assume that you want me to turn your Apricorns to Pokeballs, eh?" An old man sat in the unlighted house, waving a fan.

"My apri-what? Are we still doing jokes about April Fool's jokes?"

"No, no, Apricorns! You know, those differently-coloured fruits that grow on small bushes and can be hollowed out to make custom Pokeballs?"

"I've lived in Johto for ten years, and I have never seen one of those," said Sanity.

"I'm sure you have," said Kurt. "I've been making these balls for twenty-something years now!"

"Have _you_ got one of these bushes?"

"Of course! Look, I'll show you!" He got out of the seat with surprising agility and lurched out of the house, over to a small, secluded garden next to his house. Sure enough, there was a bush with a single, bulbous Apricorn protruding from the top of it. "Go ahead and pull it out."

With an almighty heave, Sanity yanked that whole plant out of the ground, roots and all. The floor beneath them crumbled, and they fell a couple of metres into a strange corridor.

"What is this place?" asked Sanity, examining a lit torch inserted into a bracket mounted on the earthy wall.

"Whatever it is, I'm sure it's not an elaborate underground passageway designed so that the elite criminal organisation A.P.R.I can meet in secrecy with no disturbance, allowing them to hatch cunning plans to be criminals. And I'm sure that you aren't suspicious of my overwhelmingly specific denial, because I have nothing to deny."

"You messed up."

"Big time?"

"_Big_ time," confirmed Sanity, looking up and down the dark corridor. "Anyhow, I'm going now."

"R-really?" asked Kurt. "Aren't you even curious in the least?"

"No." Sanity pulled at a loose-hanging piece of root, and it flew out of the wall, covering them in a shower of loam.

"Don't you want to stop our devious plans?"

"No."

"Aren't you afraid that we might see fit to silence you?"

"No."

"Are you going to answer all of my questions with 'no'?"

"As long as they're in the negative," said Sanity.

"So is that a 'yes', or a 'no'?"

"Ask no questions, and I'll tell no lies," said Sanity, lying blatantly, of course. "Bye." He hauled himself out of the mysterious passageway, and started looking for his 'friends'.

0

"Who's this 'Orangey Ticket'?"

The librarian smiled (a little forcedly) and said, "He's a children's author, famous for his tales about Lavender, Fuchs and Moony Apollinaire."

"Oh, really?"

"Orangey Ticket is actually the _nom de plume_ of Nathaniel Candler," she continued.

"A nommy what?" said What.

"A pen name."

"A pen what?"

"Have you ever read a book before? Ever?"

"Well, there was this one-"

"We don't count _The Adventures of Bob the Cranidos_ as a book here," said the librarian preemptively. "Just so you know."

"Okay, so maybe I _haven't_ read a book before. I can still start, right?" snapped What, angry at having been foiled.

"Can you read?"

"Can I what?"

"Read."

"How do I verb a noun?"

"How do you _what_ a noun?"

"Verb," said What shortly.

"You _can't_ verb a noun," explained the Librarian patiently. "Verb _is_ a noun."

"Explain verbing," challenged What.

"Verbing? What?"

"How'd you know my name?"

"I don't know your name."

"You just said it."

"I just said what?"

What shouted in triumph. "See! You _do_ know my name!"

"I know what?"

"Yes! You know me!"

Her hand edging towards the emergency call button, she said, "I don't know you."

"Yes. You. Do!1!"

"Why did you slip a 'one' into the middle of all those exclamation marks?"

"Actually," said What, "It's the fifth character out of seven. Not in the middle at all."

The librarian pressed the button. In that instant, a siren placed in the middle of the Azalea Town Gym started blaring, shocking Bugsy into action. As opposed to sleeping, that is.

"Huh?" he said groggily; it was the only thing he could say in the circumstances, as Seventh, astride her Togekiss, was chased across his gym ceiling by the two police officers, carried by a single, tired Venomoth. "Oi! Get off the roof!" A few seconds later, he muttered, "Why is the world still spinning?"

"Terribly sorry, but I am afraid I must continue my egress, if you will."

"I'm the Gym Leader here, girl, and I say you get off my roof!"

"Technically, I'm _underneath_ your roof," Seventh pointed out, quickly commanding Smile to use Air Slash on the Venomoth with a tap on the head. The blades of air completely missed, and smacked into Bugsy's head, bowling him backwards heads over tails.

"My... head..."

"Now, Smile! Confound, bemuse, negate, defuse!" With each word, a different-coloured beam of light shot from Smile's mouth, finally compounding into a single ray of blinding energy. "Signal Beam!"

"Signal Beam?"

"Single Beam?"

"Single Team?"

"Huh?" The attack smashed a hole in the gym's wall, which Seventh quickly made her escape through. "Get that Togekiss!"

"Sorry, Bugs. Bunny ain't got no more juice."

"Never talk like that again," said the first officer.

"Fine," sulked the other officer.

"What's this 'Bunny' you're talking about?"

"Oh, she's my Venomoth," said the first officer by way of explanation.

"Okay. Um... aren't there usually meant to be three of you?" asked Bugsy.

"Yeah, but he vanished under mysterious circumstances."

"And it definitely wasn't a murder?"

"Oh, yes, certainly. That girl we're chasing told us so," assured the second officer.

"Why are you chasing her?"

"She called me 'asinine'," said the first officer.

"And she called _me_ 'astute'."

"You do realise that 'astute' is a compliment," said Bugsy. "Right?"

"It's a _what_?"

Bugsy mentally told himself to get some new police officers. Preferably ones with obvious genders. "A nice thing. She called you clever."

"She _what_?"

"You know what?"

Just then, What chose to pop into the gym, via the smoking hole in the wall. "Well, I don't think _they_ do."

"You're probably right," sighed Bugsy.

"But I know What! Because I _am_ What!"

"And you must be the physical embodiment of hubris!" said Bugsy, his hopes at having found an intelligent person for once in his life rapidly diminishing.

"No, I told you. I'm What."

"You're what?"

"Yes, I'm What."

"What?"

"Yes. What."

"So... what?"

"That's my name."

"What's your name?"

"Yep. What."

Bugsy shook his head. "... What."

"Yes, that's my name. Don't wear it out!"

"I will end this right now. Go away, and never disgrace my doorstep ever again. Ever. Again." He threw What out throw the hole in his wall, and turned back to the two police officers. "Have that wall fixed."

"Yes! Sir!"

"And get me breakfast."

"It's... it's four o'clock in the afternoon," said the first officer.

"Half past, actually," corrected the second officer.

"So? Breakfast is the first meal one eats after waking up," said Bugsy. "And I want some cereal. Now."

"Yes! Sir!"

0

"Seventh, tell me. Why can I see a massive pillar of smoke in the distance, right where the Gym is supposed to be?" asked Sanity civilly. They'd met back up in the Pokemon Centre, and were now looking out the window. At the aforementioned column of fumes.

"I'm not entirely certain, but suffice to say that it was most definitely _not_ a misunderstanding between myself and two police officers, resulting in my use of Signal Beam on one of the walls within the Gym," said Seventh, grinning unconvincingly.

"Really." To himself, he muttered, "Why is everyone so bad at lying today?"

"A teenage girl with a Togekiss has caused destruction throughout all of Azalea Town today, obliterating three monuments to Ilex Forest and another two to our town mascots, Slowpoke."

Faced with news evidence, Seventh defensively said, "I only denied detonating the Gym!"

"She has also caused extensive damage to the west wall of our town Gym."

"Er... could I justify that with the true fact that I slipped into Japanese for a short while?"

"Let's just go find What and go to the Gym so that we can leave this hellhole," said Sanity.

They found What swinging hardback books at a feral-looking woman who was frothing at the mouth. "Save me!" he shouted at them, before the woman flung two library cards at his hands, knocking his weapons from his grasp. The three took one look at the insane librarian, and decided that it was _not_ a good idea to stick around.

"I'd ask what happened, but my intelligence demands that I not engage in that conversation," said Sanity as they hurtled down another street.

"Whoever this 'Mai Intelligence' is, she's got the right idea!"

A pause. "She also demands that I not go down that road, too."

"But _that_ road goes straight to the Gym!"

0

**This chapter was not written while the author(s) were on hallucinogens of any kind whatsoever, not that they ever _were_ on any drugs. Or similar thought-process modifiers, for example TvTropes or The Image Board That Must Not Be Named. The author(s) also recognises that they should shut the hell up now. Good day (or night, depending on where you are).**


	8. Like The Last Gym Battle, Only Stupider

**Crises of Sanity**

**Okay, boys and girls! Chapter Eight is up!**

**The Finesseful X: I'm back and badass, and I have found that badass is in fact a real word to the point that Word and Openoffice both recognise it (and the latter doesn't recognise itself...). So, to celebrate, I will be taking in ideas for Holiday Specials for the coming year. Be sure to make submissions!**

**(No, this is not an attempt on the author's behalf to get more reviews. Not at all.) By the way, does Seventh's habit of calling people 'Comrade' in any way remind you of communism? It's not meant to.**

0

After a series of brief and uneventful (read: one-sided) battles between Sanity and assorted Gym trainers, our 'hero' walked up to the elevated platform on which Bugsy was sitting.

"Okay, Bugsy! I challenge you to a Pokemon battle!"

An unintelligible muttering replied to him.

"What the hell?" said Sanity. He then noticed that the Gym Leader was wolfing down pancakes and Oreos at an alarmingly fast pace. It was no surprise when, with a sound like a dying person, Bugsy thrust himself backwards, off the platform, clutching at his throat. "Oh. His toast must be _jammed_."

"Worry not, comrades! I have just the-"

"Get on with it."

"With metal eyes and steel skin, Comrade Burster; it is you I summon!" With a flourishing pirouette, Seventh released her Metagross again. "Burster, Psychic!" The falling form of Bugsy was enveloped in a blue aura, and he was yanked from the jaws of death... and into the back wall of Gym.

"Ouch... my face..."

"No fear! I shall remedy this temporary hindrance to the achievement of your token of victory with which you shall challenge the four that are elite!" She had Burster carry Bugsy up to the platform, where she punched him in the face.

"Ow! What the hell, lady?"  
"Okay, Bugsy! It's time!"

"For lunch?"

"For a Pokemon Battle!" cried Sanity. "Come on out, Theodore!"

"Sin! Sin!"  
Bugsy sighed in resignation. "Fine. Venomoth, crush that hedgehog."

"It'll be a two-on-two Pokemon battle with no time limit!"

"Theodore, Ember!"

"Silver Wind!" As the Cyndaquil fired a searing salvo of blazing fireballs at the Venomoth, the moth flapped its wings wildly, releasing a gust that extinguished them.

"Ember again!"

"Silver Wind."

"Ember!"

"Silver Wind."

"What's he doing?" asked What on the sidelines.

Seventh shrugged. "Silver wind is a rope that wears thin."

"Meaning?"

"It has limited uses; the Venomoth can only block Ember so many times," said Seventh.

Right on cue, a barrage of flame swept right into the bug's purple body, burning it to a crisp. Frowning, Bugsy recalled his Venomoth and said, "Clever plan. But it won't work on this next one! Go, Masquerain!"

Out flopped a light blue bug with a pink face.

"Are those... are those _wings_?"

"Yeah, what's it to ya?" asked Bugsy challengingly. "Huh? Huh? You wanna mess with me?"

"I already am 'messing' with you. Ember!"

"Ha! Hydro Pump, Masquerain!" he said.

"How did that-" A pressurised blast of drenching water slammed into Theodore's cream chest, lifting him off his feet. "Ouch. Return, Theodore."

"I got ticked off at all those kids running in and hurling fireballs at my poor bugs, so..."

"Hey, aren't you a kid too?" asked What, with expert timing as always.

"Shut up!"

"Tsunami, now's the time to use your secret move!"

"Masquerain, let's end this."

"Confusion!"

"Hy- What?" His Pokemon looked as _confused_ as he did.

"Why are you talking to _me_ at a time like this?" What was duly ignored.

"Totodile can't learn Con-" The Masquerain dropped from the air, it's rhombus-shaped wings in tatters. "Ah. Clever."

"No, you're just dumb," dismissed Sanity.

"What? I'm a Gym Leader, even if I lost easily to you!"

"Yeah, but isn't that a reward for beating you?"

"No, this badge is," answered Bugsy, tossing a ladybug-shaped pin-on badge at the victor.

"Huh. I didn't get one of these from Falkner..."

The victory celebration was cut short by a crazy psycho wielding a golden axe. "Hya!"

"Oh, _sweet llama_," breathed Sanity, temporarily forgetting about the llama that he was praying to.

"You will all DIE!"

Bugsy screamed like a little girl at the sound of his voice. "It's in capitals! That means there's no-" The psycho leaped up and smashed Bugsy's head in with his weapon, using it more like a mace than an axe. He swung wildly, axe seeking his next target... he found it.

Of all the thoughts that could have run through Sanity's head, the sole one was, "Meh."

0

"Where... where am I?" asked Sanity, feeling like he'd just awoken from a deep slumber. He was in a gigantic marble hall with no walls, the roof held up by a thousand flawless pillars. A sudden memory hit him, and his blood turned into ice into his veins. And arteries, and probably capillaries too. "I should be _dead_!"

"You should," agreed Giratina in a voice that seemed to issue forth from Sanity's own mind. "But you are not."

"Why? Why would anyone do this to me?"

"Because I can," said the legendary shortly. "And, because you are needed in the future."

"Who was that kook with an axe?" Sanity found himself asking. He wasn't really all that concerned about his would-be murderer... maybe he was praying for What to be next, sure, but that was about as far as his care stretched.

"Such an apathetic mind," smiled Giratina. "Perfect for the Task."

"Task? What task?"

"No, not a pitiful, weak word like '_task_'! I said Task. Make your voice all echoey when you say it."

"Like This?"

The massive ghostly serpent nodded approvingly. "You have been saved from the brink of death by the power of Death itself!"

"You?" guessed Sanity.

"Certainly."

"So... why?"

Giratina nodded knowingly. "The basic human impulse. Why, indeed?"

"Please don't tell me What is coming here," said Sanity.

"He will not. As I was saying, you were saved for many reasons."

"Such as?" prodded Sanity.

"You and I are much alike. The only sane employees in an otherwise completely insane office block. The only ones firmly rooted in what is _here_, and what is _now_. The only ones who can still drive the others back home after they've gotten themselves drunk on the ichor of beasts so demonic and merciless they make even _me_ look- Whoops. My tongue got the better of myself there."

"You aren't actually using your mouth to talk," said Sanity.

"A slip of the tongue."

"Again, you-"

"It's figurative," said Giratina flatly. Wisely, Sanity chose not to pursue this. "Now, I will send you back to the land of the living. You will defeat Hyperion Goldaxe, and give him a message."

"I'm listening," said Sanity.

"'Diamond is just better'."

As grey fog streaked with red gathered in the edges of Sanity's vision, he shouted, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Giratina just smirked and nodded.

0

He stood up on the platform, dizzy and feeling somewhat hungover. There was a throbbing pulse inside his head, and it was growing every minute. It gave him a bizarre feeling, like a small voice was whispering insistently to him, "Release me. It'll taste _good_!". He wasn't sure exactly _what_ would happen if he released it, but he knew that it wouldn't be good. Or taste good. At least his wounds had been miraculously healed by Giratina's creepy voodoo magic.

"Sanity!" cried Seventh, her Steelix gouging deep trenches in the earth as the axe psycho leaped around on the metal snake's back, occasionally plowing his weapon into the creature's iron body.

"Stop." The single command echoed eerily in the building, as all movement ceased.

"Who're you?" asked Sanity warily, turning to face to speaker.

"I Am Dialga. Lord Of Time, And King Of All That Is Said And Done," boasted the metal-encrusted beast.

"Di, I thought I told you to stop using The Voice on Giratina's kids," chided a theropod with pale pink skin and utterly huge pearls embedded in its arms.

"Sorry, Palks," he said.

"Um... huh?"

"You have been brought from death by the grace of our Master," said 'Palks', a grin evident in her tone. "However, his control over the doors of death only ensured that you would return to this universe, not that you would return to the same place or time. We were sent here to rewind time to the exact moment you died, then hold it at this point until our Master was done with you."

"Are you sure it's, like, totally radical to let the kid know that _we_ work for _Giratina_, rather than, like, the other way, like, around?" asked Dialga, voice hushed and also reminiscent of the '60s.

"Dude, he's already working for our Master," Palks whispered back. "He, like, probably already knows. Like, seriously."

"Could one of you tell me why you're whispering, and why you're abusing the word 'like'?"

"Like, of course we, like, totally can! It would, like, totally be rad!" said Dialga.

"What."

"Er... what my... _currently_ _semi_-_intelligent_ cohort is trying to say is that we have multiple consciousness spread over multiple bodies... and quite a few that aren't in any."

"Any what?" asked Sanity.

"Bodies. Anyhoo... this means our speaking style," (her voice dropped an octave), "Might vary quite a," (she started talking with a country accent), "Bit in a single conversation."

"Sure... could you just restart time again? So I can go and beat up this High Perrier On guy and give him his message?"

"Oh, yeah, sure. We just stopped it so we could get the heck out of here. You know, publicity and all," said Palks, still talking with her country accent.

"Just... just go." The two vanished, leaving behind a neat pile of diamond dust and a couple of pearls.

"Rarr!" screamed Axe Man, smashing his gold weapon into the Steelix's back and sending shuddering tremors running through the snake's body.

"Hey now, stop before I have to 'defeat' you," said Sanity. He quickly leaped out of the way as the psycho hurled himself from Sandwave's back at the trainer with a feral snarl. "Your loss," grinned Sanity, as he released the ghostly energy that had been building up inside him since he'd left the marble hall. A flock of Gengar, Banette, Dusknoir and little weird things that looked like mangled versions of Giratina suddenly swarmed around him, and then converged upon the staggering Goldaxe.

"No! I... will... be... AWESOME!" he cried, before being crushed by the sheer number of ghosts and gaseous creatures that may or may not have been actual ghosts.

"Darn!" shouted What, who'd been ignored by the author until just then. "It's in capitals! Again!"

"You... you depress me," said Sanity.

"Yes. Yes I do," agreed What.

Presently, the horde of ghosts vanished mysteriously, and Sanity recalled something that Giratina had told him. "Hey, Psycho Dude. I have a message for you."

"What?" croaked the dying man.

"Diamond is just better."

His eyes flared indignantly. "That... that fool! What... is... that..." He expired.

"Hey, wait a second! _I'm_ not That!" frowned What.

Seventh chose that inopportune moment to leap back into the verbal fray. "You're not what?"

"Huh? I _am_ What!"

"I'll be at the Pokemon Centre," said Sanity, unheeded by the two slightly dim, self-professed crime masters.

Upon his return, Sanity noticed three things. One, the psycho's body had mysteriously vanished, probably off the face of the earth. Second, Seventh and What were still at it, but now their discussion was notably less intelligent that it was when it had started.

"I thought you were my friend!"

"Mufasa will _never_ save you now, Simba! Never!"

"I like swords."

And c), there was a big smoking crater where the Ilex forest should have been.

_What?_ _Actually, it's c), there's a bacon sandwich on Bugsy's table. No doubt he'd forgotten to eat it before he battled him._

**No, no, you have it all wrong. There's a mushroom cloud in the distance, where Olivine City is.**

Do we even know where Olivine City _is_?

_Hey, now, that's _my_ font you're using._

"Okay, wait. Why are there three voices in my head," said Sanity to himself, "And why are they having an argument over what number c) is, despite the fact that I numbered the first two things One and Two, and so therefore the third thing should be called Three?" There was no answer for a couple of seconds.

**Oh, we're ghosts. We've been sent here by the big scary ghost in the sky to watch over you.**

_No, we were sent to eat people's souls. The souls of people Sanity has killed before and will kill on his journeys to come, to be precise._

What part of 'keep quiet about the eating souls part' do you not understand?

… _The 'part' part of it?_

Which would of course exempt you from having to answer the question. Clever, fool, clever.

**Aside from the fact that 'clever, fool, clever' is an inherent self-contradiction, he couldn't have answered the question cleverly without first having displayed a knowledge of the word 'part'.**

… _Guys, I think we're deviating from the plot here._

I have a sense of deja vu when you say that.

"What the hell, ghosts? What the hell?" asked Sanity. "Did I ask for an Avril Lavigne concert, ghosts? Did I ask for an-"

Fine. We'll remain silent for the duration of this day.

"Ending in less than six hours."

Until midnight?

"No."

How about until tomorrow morning?

"How about _forever_?"

**How about not at all?**

"Um..."

**I mean, think about it? We're damn voices inside this guy's head? What's he gonna do, knock himself out?**

"I could torture you."

_With what?_

"All my life I've been good, but now-"

_Very good. We will shut the hell up, starting... now._

0

"Okay, you two. Let's go plunder, pillage and put and end to this stupid forest and it's stupid guardian," said Sanity, unknowingly in the midst of a flock of crazy old women from Ilex itself.

"What did you say," hissed one of the old biddies.

"We're gonna burn this down," said Sanity, idly flick a mote of dust off his shoulder, "Like it's the Fourth of July."

"We. WON'T. LET YOU!" cried the old ladies as one, lifting pitchforks and burning torches. "After that arsonist!"

"What, get me a match!"

"Don't you have Theodore?" he panted, already digging into his pockets. "Here!"

To everyone's complete surprise, Sanity ground to a sudden halt. Turning to face the old women, he lifted the match into the air. "Behold," he intoned, dropping the match to the ground. "The Rite of Fire!"

"What in the name of llamas and dinosaurs is he _doing_?" asked Seventh from a safe treetop.

"I'm not a llama or a dinosaur," said What.

"... Forget it."

"Forget what?" asked Sanity, hauling himself up the (suddenly very short) tree.

"Don't forget _me_! I'm a good friend!" cried What.

"That's... not what I meant."

"Oh. Okay."

"Sanity, I must learn; how didst thou evadest yon decrepit wenches?" asked Seventh, much to the confusion of her companions.

"What."

"Yes?"

"No. Just..." Sanity considered this for a second, then pushed What out of the tree. "No."

"Well?" prompted Seventh.

"I tricked them. I dropped this match, and buried it under the leaves."

"So?"

"They're suspicious of technology, so they'll be searching for it all night."

"So?"

"While I," said Sanity, gesturing to himself, "torch this whole place with a couple of Embers."

"That," replied Seventh, "Is not kind or merciful at all. In fact, it is distinctly _un_kind and _un_merciful."

"Your point?" asked Sanity.

"... Touche." And so, Ilex forest blazing in their wake, the three friends set off to their next Gym! Regardless of the in-story lack of information getting to Sanity and his crew. And the fact that Falkner still hasn't given Sanity his badge. And the fact that-

Shut up. Damned fourth-wall-breaking narrator.

_Actually, you're doing it-_

Shut up. Damned smart-alecky fellow ghost.

0

**Oh boy, Sanity's finally met the Great Mascot of Platinum! Meanwhile, the plot thickens with the introduction of the brilliant Boundary Brothers (well, Palkia's a girl in this fic, but then the alliteration would be lost) and Sir Hyperion Goldaxe. Who, by the way, is not actually dead. Just pummelled within an inch of his life and his gold axe laughed at. Incidentally, who saw the Minecraft reference there? And the 8-Bit Theater one... and the Lion King one, although you should really be crying at _that_.**


	9. Random Violence Is Not The Way

**Crises of Sanity**

**The Finesseful X: No, Sanity's not schizophrenic... yet. With a crew like Seventh and What, though, what else can you expect? The all capitals thing isn't coming back for another coupla chapters, though... I'm keeping it fresh. But the Pokemon Centre = Explosion happens again. As for your postscripts... Anything works, although it probably won't become canon... just show up in a special or two... If I really like it, then definitely. But the Which thing, as Sanity would say, "No. Just... no."**

**ThunderRiver411: I can't PM you. Unblock it, and then we'll talk.**

**In this chapter, we see a tidal wave of pure random and stupid approaching... and in Goldenrod, it appears to have already struck.**

0

"Investigators are still trying to find the mastermind culprits behind the Ilex Forest Fire, which has racked up a-" Sanity hurriedly switched off the radio function, and tossed the Pokegear into the nearest bush, unnoticed by either of his companions.

Seventh glanced around furtively, and then, seeing that no-one was looking, immediately opened her secret journal. "Dear Diary," she said loudly to herself as she wrote, "We have been on this endless road for sixty-three days now. Rations are low, and I fear that my insane companions will turn upon me should food run out. I have sampled some of the greenery growing here, but hitherto nothing has been edible or nourishing. The wildlife is timid here, having been beaten into submission by the Totodile that one of my insane companions keeps as a threat to humanity. Should my companions resort to violence in their madness, I shall have to keep the Totodile as my top priority. Nothing else that my companions can muster will be as dangerous as that single Pokemon. I am not quite certain what our destination is, but my companions seem to be following the road. I must keep in mind that my companions _are_ insane, so I shall be prepared to leave them at a moment's-"

"Seventh, we've told you twice. We're going to Goldenrod City. Even _What_ knows by now," said Sanity.

"My insane companions request my presence, Diary, so I shall end my entry for today at this point. Day Sixty-Three, entry completed." She closed her notebook and slid it into her backpack along with her ballpoint pen.

A brief pause. "Seventh, we have been on this road for all of three minutes. How the _hell_ can _anyone_ write _sixty_-_three_ diary entries in that kind of time?" asked Sanity.

"I am not insane," said Seventh.

"We're already done with the suspiciously specific denials, Seventh," said Sanity.

"I'm a platypus," said What.

"What?" asked Sanity and Seventh simultaneously.

"Yes, that _is_ my name. Why are you taking so long to understand?"

"I will not continue this conversation, for the good of my intelligence," decided Sanity.

"Who _is_ this Mai Intelligence?" The entire discourse was suddenly interrupted by a strange aquatic mammal sitting on the dirt path not five metres away from Sanity, at the head of the group.

"Hi, humans! I'm a sea cow. Not a manatee. Just to be absolutely clear on that."

"... I'd say 'what' with no inflections right about now, but I'm fully aware of the catastrophe that that simple act could cause," said Sanity.

"What?"

"Hey, who told the manatee-"

"Sea cow!" protested the self-professed 'sea cow'.

"_-_ my name?" asked What, more or less completely ignoring the manatee.

"It wasn't me," said Sanity.

Seventh held her arms up in surrender. "Okay, fine, I took it!"

"Took what?" Then What realised what he said. "Who took me?"

"Huh?"

"What?"

"Yes?"

"Stop. Stop talking. Everyone, stop talking. Please, everyone, stop talking. Please, everyone, for the universe's sake, stop talking," said Sanity.

"You said 'stop' five times. 'Talking' four times. 'Everyone', three times. 'Please' twice, and-"

"I said, Stop." Sanity's voice echoed strangely on the last word, and the shock of it caused the other three to stop in their verbal combat completely, their jaws hanging loosely in the wind. "Now, let's see what manatee tastes like."

"Manatee? You do mean, of course, the manatee that is not me, right? Because I am most certainly not a manatee, I'm a sea cow," said the manatee upon realising that they were talking about eating him.

"Actually, according to this book on mythical creatures," said Seventh, nose buried in a strange tome with thick, stiff board pages and a picture of a strange, pink animal with a Grumpig's nose on the front cover, "'Sea cow' is merely an alternate term for 'manatee'."

"Crap."

0

The manatee initially didn't come quietly, but a sharp uppercut from Tsunami quickly changed his mind and he fell limp, probably feigning death.

Actually, I'm fairly sure it _is_ dead.

**Yeah, his soul tasted like steak. Sea steak.**

_You do realise that it's not the soul of the manatee we're tasting, it's the real thing?_

**No, real manatee is more chewy. Harder on the jaws.**

"You are three voices living in my head. You _have_ no jaws!" said Sanity, shocking and surprising his sidekicks stupid.

"What has no jaws?"

"I have too!"

"Hey, I know!"

"So why did you say that I didn't?"

"You didn't what?"

While the other two confused each other no end, Sanity remarked internally, "When will we stop throwing the word 'what' around around What?"

… **What?**

_You idiots, he was talking about throwing what around around what._

"That makes little sense," said Sanity.

Seventh ceased her senselessly silly speech to nod approvingly and say, "See? Even Sanity agrees!"

"Agrees?" Ha, thought Sanity, I've averted a disaster! Never again will I say what!

"Agrees that the Eight Commandment should be upheld as long as there are cookies to be had at the end of the train station."

"... I'd say 'what' with no inflections, but that would end in a catastrophe."

"Inflections?" asked What.

"Let's just... let's just go to Goldenrod, okay?"

0

"The target has been sighted, Sir," said the inconspicuous man wearing a ninja suit that was decked out in rhinestone, lowering a pair of digital binoculars from his face. He was standing on the top of a skyscraper, next to the lift and fire escape.

"Nis, I know. We've been staring at the same spot for three hours. Three. Hours," said his companion, a _real_ ninja wearing civilian clothes and custom sunglasses capable of enlarging images to fifty times their original size.

"Yeah, but I thought that maybe you might have missed them."

"Despite the fact that they immediately triggered three police alerts and several burglar alarms upon arrival?"

"Uh-huh," said Nis.

"You have problems with your pitiful mind," said Sir. "Now, go down there and provide a distraction while I enact my devious scheme!"

"Devious scheme?"

"The one that I've been devising for a month?"

"Uh, yeah, that one. I totally merember it!"

"You mean remember, of course."

"Yes, that too! Bye!" He quickly threw the door open and clattered down the staircase, into Goldenrod Department Store.

"Take the lift!" His suggestion went unheeded, and Sir sighed internally. Still, he needed all of the most incompetent lackeys available to pull off his Devious Scheme. The plan was simple, but destructively effective. When Nis met the psychopathic crew, he would either be punched in the face or outright killed, and either outcome would end in success. Nis' injuries would go unnoticed by anyone, and he would crawl (or be dragged) into an alleyway, where an agent of the secret conspiracy that may or may not control the distribution of Pokeballs into the known world would find him and either slit his throat and burn him, or, if he was already dead, just burn him. The toxic fumes from the sulphurous compound that had been concealed inside his ninja disguise's lining would then descend over the city, killing three percent of the population beneath an elevation of twenty metres above sea level, and the murders would pique the suspicion of the Cherrygrove police. They would arrive in the city with suitable armaments, and would be assaulted by Sanity and his crew, their weapons tossed in garbage cans. At which point, his other incompetent lackey, John Smith, would attempt to seize control of the garbage collection company and fail miserably, leading them to tighten their guard. Then Sanity would find his way into their headquarters (cleverly labelled 'Gym' by John Smith) and get attacked by the corporate executives and furnace engineers, but then get rid of them and thus leave the garbage collection headquarters empty and open to attack. Then, Sir himself would sneak into the garbage company, and, using a magnet that had somehow been fine-tuned to attract only lead, he would steal the guns, clean them, and leave for Olivine City. There, he would use the guns to force a random person to give him a ticket for the S.S. Aqua, and he'd sail to Vermillion City in Kanto. He'd travel to Saffron, take a new name, and start working for the Saffron-Goldenrod Magnet Train line, steal some vital yet irreplaceable from the train, hightail it back to Johto, get to Blackthorn, hide inside the Dragon's Den, and ambush Sanity with his guns as soon as he stepped out of the Ice Cave. His ambush, upon failing (on purpose) would lead Sanity to believe that he was immortal, and then Sir would rush into Goldenrod, take the Nurse Joy hostage, and kill her upon receiving the ransom. Then he'd leave for Hoenn, wait for Sanity to arrive in Slateport, and leap at him with a machete bought at discount price in Mt. Chimney's souvenir shop. After killing or seriously wounding Sanity, he'd go back to Goldenrod, destroy the vital yet irreplaceable part of the Magnet Train in front of the ticket guard, and act surprised when told that the vital yet irreplaceable part had, in fact, been replaced. He'd use this facade of insanity as a boost to his popularity, and when Lance decided to investigate the massive uprising across the world, he'd be sneak attacked by Sir and die. Then Sir's revenge would be complete and he'd go buy a villa in Sinnoh, where he had been investing stocks in for a good three years. He'd live in the house for the rest of his life, only musing about how you could never move any of the furniture, and then die quietly and have his body buried in the scenic Rout 224. A hundred years later, some random trainer would awake the spirit of Sanity and ask him for advice, which would be followed by a knife and lots of death. Sanity would go to Johto-

**We apologise for the inconvenience, but the man who has been having this internal monologue has just died. Along with Nis, and the police officers who ignored his death. And the random passersby who also failed to notice the man getting burnt to ashes by a shady character in The Conspiracy in an alleyway, and also the idiots in Hoenn who were selling machetes at a volcano.**

"Okay... I'd like to replace this voice with something... a bit more sane?"

_But Sanity, that's _your_ job._

"The monologue was... disturbing. On many occasions, I was tempted to say that it was sick and wrong, but... that would be beneath me," offered Seventh.

"I don't think that he knew that he was talking," said What.

"It's kind of the inverse of our situation. We don't know when _you're_ talking," commented Sanity. "Except, of course, on rare occasions."

"Like when we say what!" Seventh helpfully added.

"Like when you say what?" asked What.

"What!"

"Yes?"

"Stop talking." They walked in silence past blaring police car sirens and spouts of water propelling shards of fire hydrants into the air. "Do we know where the gym is?" asked Sanity after passing a sign next to a garbage truck logo reading 'Jim'.

"Somewhere in the east side of town," answered Seventh. "Ah, here. Number Three, Gymview Road. Named for the Gym that this road has a view of, Gymview Road has been called Gymview Road for three days now. Our great and wonderful leader Whitney will probably change it again before this week is out. Watch this space to see what the road will be next!" she read from an overly large signpost.

"So... I take it that that pink building over there is the Gym?"

"No, that's Number Two."

"_That_ one?"

"Number Four."

Hey, Number Four. Isn't he that guy who tried to kill you? Twice?

"_That_ one?" said Sanity, pointedly ignoring the voice.

"Number Three Point One."

"... Huh?"

"Oh, wait, it says Three Point Two. My apologies."

"And, let me guess, this one reads Fifteen Point Six Eight Nine Five One Recurring, right?"

"Don't be stupid, it reads _Sixteen_ Point Six Eight Nine Five _Two_ Recurring."

"Ah. Just tell me which one is the Gym."

What suddenly popped from the netherworld that characters go to when they are temporarily ignored by the author, to say, "Who's this Jim guy?"

"The Gym Guy? The guy from the gym? What would that man be doing here, of all places?" asked Seventh, despite not having met the Gym Guy onscreen.

"You mean to say, why is the Gym Guy outside a Gym?"

"... I like the way I articulated my thoughts better."

"Hey, I don't see the Gym Guy here!" said What.

"Which one is the Gym again?" asked Seventh, despite her sign-reading skills.

"_Who is this Jim_?"

0

They were in the Pokemon Centre, consulting a map with no clear sense of scale and direction, when for the fourth time, there was an explosion. Outside. To do with Sanity.

"I can't believe this!" cried Seventh.

"Actually, the Centre; Explosion; Hilarity Ensues thing is kind of standard by now."

"No, that all the maps here are completely outdated." She crumpled up yet another map and tossed it into the wastepaper basket behind her, not having noticed the explosion.

"Charge!" Seven knights in shining armour on Rapidash leaped from behind a truck that could not have conceivably hidden all of them (and their mounts) in the normal scheme of things. They crashed through a window, protected by their iron coats, and Sanity was grabbed by the arms and roughly hoisted onto a fiery back, leaving Seventh and What to fend for themselves in the dark, sunlit city of Goldenrod.

**What.**

Dark and sunlit... that's a self-contradiction.

_It is._

I know.

**So?**

_We should stop stopping the story in places it cannot be stopped._

"Yes, you should," said Sanity aloud, his voice echoing in the damp sewer.

"We _should_ throw you into the river?" asked one of the knights.

"No, I meant you should free me. And maybe also give me some compensation money. And a Rapidash, maybe?"

"Hey now, that's an idea!" Evidently the seven had never heard of this thing called 'Intelligence'.

Just as they were preparing to push Sanity into the streets above, a voice from above halted all movement. "No."

"But... boss... he suggested it, right? That makes it okay!" said the biggest (and probably stupidest) of the lot.

"When I said 'make him comfortable', I did not mean that you should obey his every whim."

"So... I don't suppose freeing him is out?"

There was a brief pause. "Huh. Just let me form an earthly body and I'll be with you in a second." With a sound of blowing wind and eerie clanking, the voice seemed to leave the room.

"Oh, I hope he isn't bringing... Ze Body!"

"Or, or, even worse... The Body!"

"But I really hope he doesn't use... De Knife-swinging Crazy Hippy With A Shotgun Strapped To His/Her/Its Back! Body."

"I wish that this voice would come back now... it seems to be able to regulate a reasonable level of intelligence, or as much as I would expect from those knights."

"It's night already? But the little handy-thingy on my see is only at the line that goes down!" exclaimed one of the knights in confusion.

"I think you mean your watch. Not see."

He was met with blank looks. "Watch and see are the same things."

"I didn't mean the verbs, I meant the nouns!"

"Have you had breakfast today?"

Sanity was stumped by the random inquiry. Just like with Puff, he felt a stab of pity for the voice. Then he remembered that the stupid voice had had him trapped in this stupid sewer with those less-than-bright knights.

**No pun intended, I hope?**

_Ha ha. That was stupid._

"Why would that affect anything?"

Any more inane conversation was curbed when a dark figure wearing a horned helmet with a creepy faceplate entered the sewer chamber. A cloak curled around his figure, and collected in pools of fabric at his feet.

"Hello... Sanity," he breathed in a terrible rasp.

And, for the first time in his life, Sanity recognised one of his own.

0

**Wow, a semi-demi-hemi-cliffhanger ending there! Look out for manatees in your cereal.**


	10. Our World Is Sick And Wrong

**Crises of Sanity**

**The Finesseful X: Keep thinking, I'm sure something utterly illogical will come to you. And now What has a fanbase! **

0

"Who _are_ you?" asked Sanity, coming to his senses.

"I am Wisdom. Eric Wisdom," came the reply.

"So, I'm guessing you know why everyone in Johto has spontaneously evolved mental illnesses?"

"Well, obviously. Since the day your journey started, Arceus has had it in for you," said Wisdom. Eric Wisdom.

Sanity nodded. "But I've met Arceus, and he's... an idiot, to say the least," he said.

"Yes, the Arceus of _our_ world is no genius," agreed Wisdom. Eric Wisdom. "But the First Arceus is hellbent on stopping _us_."

"Who is this us?" asked Sanity. "... I feel like What when I say that."

"The unaffectable. Wisdom, Intelligence, and Sanity."

"Like in all stories, I guess my name is no longer just a name, right?" said Sanity.

"So if a girl called Mai stops you in a street, you'll know who she is."

"Her name is Mai. As in, Mai Intelligence?"

Wisdom. Eric Wisdom gave a start. "You know Mai?"

"No, but I've... heard her name."

The man studied Sanity carefully. "Interesting... very interesting... I challenge you to a Pokemon Battle!"

"What?"

"If you win, you can walk free. If _I_ win, you're stuck here until I die." There was a brief pause, in which Sanity drew a sword from one of the knight's scabbards and pointed it threateningly at Wisdom. Eric Wisdom. "Actually, until _you_ die. My death does not affect anything. Go, Salamence!"

"Rawr!" said the dragon in his special language. "Imma dinosawr! lol jk, i have wings."

"I have a really odd feeling that if I could understand that thing, I would be very, very scared," said Sanity, temporarily gifted with the power of lampshade. "Come on out, Tsunami!"

"Ha! You use a Totodile against my almighty dragon! Hey... wait... what? What? WHAT?"

"Sala!" moaned the Salamence weakly, lying on its bruised back, its belly exposed to the open air and getting pummelled brutally. "Mence..."

"Totodile! Dile dile!" cried Tsunami. (I can't see any salad or mince! You lied to me! Now die!)

"Okay, okay, I get the message. You can go now. Go! Leave!"

"Return, Tsunami," said Sanity, smirking. "Thanks for your hospitality."

0

A few minutes later, in the streets of Goldenrod, Sanity almost wished that he hadn't left the nice and cozy sewer. "Hell has happened?" He was standing next to a pile of apparently randomly taken kitchen appliances, telephone models, wheat biscuits, salad sandwiches, turkish delights, tuna fish, car motors, dead mice, damaged helicopters, shark fins and small pebbles.

"Oh, we were just," babbled Seventh, launching into a confused explanation about each and every item in the pile. "And the pebbles... they were in my bag! All along! Since we met!"

"So you expect me to believe that you went to a high-class restaurant and were kicked out because you didn't order anything except a couple of Cokes, and then a flock consisting of no less than fifty-three point two Murkrow took pity on you and showered you with kitchen appliances to make food with. Then a delivery truck, taking supplies to Goldenrod (no, wait!) Saffron (actually...) Ecruteak mall ran into a post box and spilled stuff onto the street, especially onto your kitchen appliances. And then, a random plainclothes police officer with no definable gender walked up to you and told you that having unplugged microwaves, a pile of pebbles, someone's unopened mail and a helpful Murkrow within a thirty-foot radius is a crime punishable by death. Then the pebbles in your bag suddenly fell out the bottom and clattered onto the pavement and the police officer pulled out a pair of handcuffs. You used your incredible training with fighting with things that begin with the letter 's' and slam him into a wall with a stalling police car, then quickly hurl it down the street and into a hardware shop that is missing half of its stores of kitchen appliances."

"Yes," nodded Seventh, "that's about right."

"Despite the fact," continued Sanity, "That a) having point two of a Murkrow is biologically impossible, b) Murkrow can't even _hold_ _onto_ microwaves and toasters, much less carry them up a street, c) Ecruteak has no mall, d) this is a business district, there _are_ no mailboxes here, e) plainclothes police officers are usually used in covert operations and generally don't make arrests, f) you don't have a bag for pebbles to fall out of, and g) if they _were_ a plainclothes police officer, they wouldn't even have a police car to begin with, stalling or otherwise."

"... How about we just take this stuff and leave? I need to feed my Pokemon."

"Fine by me. Let's go the Pokemon Centre again," said Sanity. "I want to see if something else will explode."

At the Centre, they were met by What. "Guys! Lynn's here!" he cried.

"Theodore, get ready to torch sentient life. Tsunami, beat anything that moves to a pulp." The Totodile leaped onto What's back and began punching.

"Argh! My back! Get it off!"

Sanity deliberated for a couple of seconds. "Okay, Tsunami, stop. Anything that moves, _except_ for these two idiots. And me. And Theodore." What lay on the floor, clutching his head in his hands.

"Okay," said Seventh brightly, "Let's go!"

"After you," said Sanity.

"Okay!" She leaped through a frosted window and into the chest of Lynn Eeyear.

Lynn reacted with mild surprise. "What the hell?" she screeched, slamming a fist into Seventh's face reflexively and bouncing backwards into a wall. Then, naturally, she caught sight of Sanity. "You!"

As she descended upon him, screaming curses and general insults, Sanity counted the seconds in his head. "Jump her!" he shouted at his Pokemon, and they responded with alacrity. Theodore did this weird fireball thing, except the flames folded backwards and around his body, and Tsunami's teeth began glowing with white energy.

"Flame Wheel and Ice Fang!" noted Seventh, before picking up a smartphone and hurling it at Blue man, who was trying to sneak out the back door.

"Where is that- ow!" wailed Blue man. A storm of selected smartphones, stabbing steels and lightweight safes (second-kilogram, you might say) converged upon him, covering him in a wave of S.

"By the way," said Seventh, "This building is surrounded on three sides by other constructions. There are no back doors in Goldenrod."

"What?" For his troubles, Seventh punched him in the face, knocking him out for the count.

Meanwhile, Lynn was getting crushed by a dual fire-ice attack. "I have got to get an electric type," said Sanity.

"Stop! I, Lynn Eeyear, challenge you to a Pokemon Battle!"

"Sure, go ahead. I'm not stopping you," said Sanity.

"Go, Zigzagoon, Aero!" A Zigzagoon and a Diglett materialised in front of her, blinking confusedly.

"Tsunami, Something! Theodore, provide ranged backup!" Another Ice Fang forming inside his mouth, the Totodile rushed his foes, his ally hurling fireballs at irregular intervals.

"Zig?" The little rodent seemed to recognise Tsunami, and immediately began running away screaming. His friend shook his head condescendingly, and turned to attack the crocodile.

"Dig!" A strange claw-like formation leaped from the ground, in an unmistakable version of Scratch. Tsunami slammed his fist into it, and the Diglett's eyes welled with tears. His Fake Tears might have worked if it weren't for the fact that his enemy was a complete psychopath of a Pokemon, and freezing cold canines dug into the Diglett's earthy flesh.

"Noooo!" cried Lynn in frustration. "Another loss!"

"Why did you pronounce 'no' with a long 'o' sound?"

"Zigzagoon, Shadow Ball!" No reply. "Zigzagoon! Zigzagoon!"

In front of Sanity, his two Pokemon were attempting to hold a conversation.

"Toto, dile dile!" (So, what are you doing Friday night?)

"Sin?" (What dial?)

"To?" (You're sinning?)

"Sin, sinda quil!" (Yes, I have toes, you insensitive frog!)

"Dile to to, dile, dile." (You can't just sin a quill, it's unnatural.)

"Quil! Sinda sin!" (No! I will _not_ dial toes!)

"Return," said Sanity, as the Pokemon Centre collapsed on Lynn, Blue man, and presumably Blunder Boar. "Now, that was an utter waste of time." He paused, waiting for What's intelligent input.

"Hi there, I am What," said Seventh.

"No, you are not."

"I'm not Not! I'm What!"

"What did you do to What?"

"He's in the building."

"Which building."

"The building."

"WHICH building?"

"Thank you for using the appropriate sentence-ending punctuation."

"Tell. Me."

"The building we just left."

"... Okay. Well. Let's go," said Sanity.

"Aren't you concerned for our comrade's health?" probed Seventh after a minute of aimless wandering.

"No."

"... Where are we going?"

0

"Most fortunately for ourselves," said Seventh, "We have found a second Pokemon Centre in this city!"

"Right... And how is this lucky in any way, shape or form?" asked Sanity, remembering the last five times they'd visited a Pokemon Centre.

"You can heal your Pokemon from the injuries they sustained on the long, hard trek to home," responded Seventh.

"Look," said Sanity despondently, "There was _no_ long and hard trek. My Pokemon have _no_ injuries. We are not anywhere near _any_ home whatsoever."

"... Very well. I shall admit defeat." In an undertone, she continued, "For now..."

"I heard that."

"Heard what?" asked Seventh innocently. The act didn't work, but Sanity had already had his dose of general stupidity for the day, and he ignored her, opting to have some food in the centre first.

"Hey, guys!" said What, his arm hanging limply from his side, a large chunk of rock protruding from his shoulder. "I guess I got lost from you guys!"

"Yes, that's exactly what happened."

"I did _not_ just happen!" cried What.

"What?"

"Yes?"

"No, that's not what she meant, What," said Sanity.

"Well, what _did_ she mean?" He took a moment to consider the intelligent ramifications of this line. "Now I'm just confused."

"Aren't we all?" asked Sanity. "Aren't we all?"

A loud, blaring horn interrupted their somewhat circular conversation. Somehow, a metal detector had been concealed in the interior of the Pokemon Centre door, and it seemed that the three were carrying metal objects.

"Okay, this is the Goldenrod Police! Turn out your pockets!" What immediately took out his Pokegear and wallet, and was pronounced safe.

"Huh? I only have my Pokeballs and this badge," said Sanity.

"So it must be you!" cried the guard, turning to Seventh.

"What must be me?" she smiled falsely.

"I'm not you!"

"The person with the metal!" said the guard, displaying a sense of savviness in ignoring What's cry of dissent and general confusion.

"... Fine," she said, pulling out six Pokeballs from her pockets. They were closely followed by a shotgun, a small pistol, a slightly larger Magnum .77, six or seven assorted machetes and switchblades, a stash of extra magazines, a submachine gun, a slim cache of explosives and a steel crowbar.

"Um..." said the guards, Sanity and What simultaneously.

"Oh, and there's more in my shoes," said Seventh, pulling them off and emptying an monstrous pile of increasingly unlikely instruments and weapons of war.

"How did you fit a whole nuclear submarine inside there?"

"It's actually a supernuclear synchronised Splash submarine. For what it's worth."

"... What."

Sanity cursed under his breath. "Now you've done it."

"Yes?" asked What.

"What?"

"I said, yes?"

"So what?"

"No-one's sowing me!"

"What?"

"Yes?"

"What?"

"I said, yes?"

"What has that got to do with anything?"

"I think your grammar is confused."

"You think my grammar is what?"  
"No, why would I think that I'm your grammar?"

"Why _would_ anyone think that you're my grandma?"

"Why would you think that I thought that you thought that I'm your grandma? And what has this got to do with a supernuclear splash?"

"Why would what?"

"That doesn't make any grammatical sense."

"What?"

"Yes?"

"Why are you saying yes?"

"Why are you saying my name?"

"Saying what?"

"Yes! You're saying my name!"

"No I'm not!"

"Are too!"

"Don't bring Star Wars into this!"

There was a brief, confused silence. "And how does Star Wars have anything to do with anything?" Another pause, in which Seventh, the guard and What tried to comprehend the question with their less-than-able minds.

"What?"

"Yes?"

"Oh, for the love of a suitably powerful and benevolent deity! Cease your discourse!" cried Seventh.

"What?"

"Yes?"

"It has come to my attention," said Seventh, "That this conversation is akin to a square. Except that instead of corners, it has no physical edges. And instead of being a two-dimensional geometric shape, it's a pointless trade of confusion and all-around misunderstanding. And rather than being visible, it's intangible and also made of vibrations in air molecules that are not in any way like squares. It has also just come to my attention that this comparison is in fact completely irrelevant to anything that anyone has ever or will ever do, nor does it make any sense in the current context."

"What?"

"Yes?"

"Stop. Talking. I think I've just had enough stupidity today to last me a lifetime. Guard, get lost."

"But my name's Chad!"

"Get lost," was Sanity's answer, and Chad had to leave with that.

"Young kids nowadays, just assuming we're all secondary characters in someone else's story," he muttered as he left, the pile of weapons untouched.

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"Okay, let's go to the Gym. I want to leave this cesspit of stupidity as quickly as possible. As in, as soon as I beat whoever the leader is. Which should be within three minutes of going through the doors," said Sanity. "Oh, wait! But the chances of me getting into the Gym is abysmal! Because somebody," he glanced pointedly at Seventh, "cannot find her way out of a shoebox."

"I most certainly can!" defended Seventh, holding a pair of saffron stiletto heels. "I just elect not to."

"In other words, you can't. Just buy some shoes and let's leave... Hang on a second. Where's What?" said Sanity, looking around the store. Considering that there was no trail of bizarre and unconnected implement leading to a location that is generally unrelated to any plot around, he figured that something cosmic must have come up.

"I believe What is-"

"No, no, don't tell me where he is. Let me hope."

"As you wish. He's directly behind you, anyway," said Seventh.

"Sanity, Seventh! There's a problem!"

Dreading the horrifying sights that would befall him, Sanity edged towards the window. Seventh, having beat him to the glass panel, thrust it open and stuck her head out. "Oh my," she said blandly.

"What?"

"Yes?"

"Could you please explain to me why a freaking _tank_ is levelling the town? While you're at it, you might be interested to know that there are copious amounts of some strange grey powder and barrels with pictures of fires on them, and there's someone with a match. Also, everyone on the street appears to have a rifle."

"You missed the helicopter," pointed out Seventh.

"The helicopter is irrelevant! What matters," said Sanity icily, "is that the army has probably some connection to us, and I make it a general rule to avoid guns aimed at me."

"Having some connection to _us_? The probability of that is millions to one!" cried Seventh in outrage.

"We are demanding the individual Sanity Eldritch to turn himself over in fifteen minutes, along with any accomplices and weapons! Eight hundred and ninety-nine seconds! Eight hundred and ninety-eight seconds! Eight hundred and..."

"Why did he stop?" hissed Sanity at his companions.

"I think it was meant to be a fade-out," confided What.

"This is not a movie, What."

"Aw..."

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**A bit late, but it's still within the Wednesday to Friday limit! (At least, where I come from. Sorry if you live in Japan or Australia or something.**


	11. Drop The Lampshades And Running Gags

**Crises of Sanity**

**Hey there. No reviews this week, so therefore I must make every word count in order to artificially increase this week's wordcount.**

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"Peckers, peck his peckin' 'eart out with a peckin' pecky Peck!" pecked... I mean _said_ a trainer who was, oddly enough, talking to his Spearow.

"Spear?"

"I think he means 'use Peck'," said Sanity. The Spearow shook its head, confused.

"Whoah. Wait, wait, wait! You mean... that you... that would... you can't be serious!" cried the trainer. "You have blown my mind! Blown it like you have a... blowing thing."

"You mean a hairdryer?"

"Whoah! I mean whoah! Hot damn, man! You are a first-class GENIUS!" said the trainer. Meanwhile, his Spearow was getting backed into a corner by Theodore, who was shooting small balls of fire with the intent to burn the bird.

"Cyndaquil!" he snarled.

Cocking its head, the Spearow asked, "Spear?"

"Cynda?" said Theodore, looking around wildly for the supposed pointy stick.

"Row! Row!" said the Spearow frantically, misinterpreting its foe's actions.

"Quil, sin quil!" berated Theodore angrily, assuming that the Spearow was talking about a boat.

"... Spear?" A barrage of fireballs slammed into the bird's face.

"I'd like the Spearow regular, actually," said the trainer, trying to sound reasonable while making an unforgivable violation of the Dead Ponyta Act of comedy and general puns.

Sanity shook his head at the overused joke. "Sorry, my Cyndaquil only does chicken flambe."

"Whoah! That was amazing! You have blown my mind!"

"Okay, where's the next trainer?" asked Sanity.

"Up on that wall," replied Seventh.

"Which wall?"

"_That_ wall."

"... Why don't you just point?"

"Fine," said Seventh, lifting her hand in the direction of a wall. "That wall."

Sanity considered the wall carefully. "You... do realise that there is no-one on that wall, right?"

"Time to try the fourth wall, then," said Seventh.

"There are only two walls that people can stand on."

"And so, therefore, we must assume that the criminal is indeed inside this building!" cried Seventh triumphantly.

"... Since What isn't here, I'll chance it," said Sanity. "What."

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Sixty-seven minutes later, in the east side of town, a couple of police cars screamed down the crowded streets of Goldenrod, and halted at a bunch of road cones arranged in a trapezoid shape.

"Chief! We've found a body inside a coffin!"

"Don't worry yourself, kid," said the brown-cloaked old man, classy cigar muffling his speech, "We have a master detective on the case. No pun intended."

On cue, a tall, lanky figure unfolded himself from inside the squad car, followed by a Grumpig carrying an oversized magnifying glass.

"I'll solve any crime, of any import!"

"Any devious scheme, my genius shall thwart!"

"Your cities of felony, and cesspits of illegality!"

"Will be drawn into my web of ingenuity!"

"With a deerskin cap and multiple decrees!"

"I'll solve any crime, for a suitable fee!"

The Chief regarded the detective with a questioning stare. "You hired a singing Grumpig to sing that stupid song with you."

"Well, I think it was pretty good," muttered the detective.

"Okay, let's see if you're worth your payment," his employer drawled. "Let him in, boys!"

A needlessly complex mechanism was activated in order to raise a bridge to extend over the red tape blocking the crime scene off from the rest of the street, and the detective strode over the barrier and straight to the tarpaulin covering the red-stained corpse.

"I hope he's better than the last one," said one of the senior officers.

"What're you talking about, Chuck?" asked the Chief, nonplussed. "We only just started bringing these guys in. Hell, this is my second case!"

"Really?" asked Chuck.

"Yeah, Goldenrod has a pretty volatile politics situation," nodded the Chief.

"Oh. Well, I was just trying to provide some backstory to this crime..."

The banter ended, however, when a cry of success rose from the crime scene, and the two policemen hurriedly ran to the corpse.

"What is it, detective?"

"I, the best highway- _detective_ that this town has ever seen, have discovered how the murder has been carried out."

"We guessed. You know, from the multiple stab wounds in his back and head?" pointed out Chuck.

"Ah, but that is but a decoy!" exclaimed the detective, unflustered by the jump of logic that should have had him fired. "You see, the murderer has in fact... drowned the suspect in tomato ketchup! After the murder was committed, the culprit cunningly took a steak knife and stabbed the deceased in several vital locations, knowing that the police would be after a man with a knife!"

"I see. You're fired."

The detective gave a start, looking injured. "What?"

"You heard me. You see, there is really no point in me listing all the ways that you screwed up, but I'll do it anyway," said the Chief. "First off, the _suspect_ is _not_ the dead person in a murder. That's the victim. Unless, of course, it was a homocide-suicide, but that's not what this was. Secondly, there is no viable reason for a person to drown someone else in ketchup and _then_ hack them to bits."

"But I told you! It was to avoid suspicion and conviction!" cried the detective, outraged.

"Yes, but they would still have a knife."

"I... but... the... but..."

"And thirdly, those aren't even steak knife wounds. It was a stiletto that inflicted most of those wounds, and apparently they had a machete," finished the Chief, leaving the detective to drown in a pool of his own critical research failures.

"No! This... I... it..."

"Go. We won't be paying you, you'll find."

"As a matter of fact," Chuck chimed in, "You'll _be_ fined!"

"Find is not the correct word to use in that situation!" cried the detective, attempting to make a last stand. "It's found!"

Chuck said, "No, I mean that you'll have to pay us back the money you owe us for the donut shop and the oven we got you."

"I thought that came with the deal!"

"The deal... has been terminated," said the Chief.

"It has?" asked the detective, surprised.

"Take him away, boys!" shouted the Chief to his subordinates.

One of them whispered to the other, "Why does he always say that?"

"He watches a bit too many low-budget cheesy police flicks," said the other.

"I heard that!" cried the detective. "I knew it all along!"

"Knew what?" asked the first unnamed cop.

"_You_ are the killer!"

"... What?"

"Present!" shouted What from the car boot.

"Why did you just shout 'present'?" asked the Chief, hiding his shock well.

"I heard my name."

"What's your name?"  
"Yes."

"Your name is Yes?"

"No."

"Your name is No?"

"No."

"Is that 'no, my name isn't No', or 'No, my name is No'?"

"No, it's 'my name is What'."

"What?"

"Yes, What."

"Well?"

"Yeah?"

"What's your name?"  
"Yes, you've got it!"

"Got what?"

"No-one has me!"

"Have you got ADHD?"

"What?"

"You heard me."

"I heard what now?" There was a pause as What's brain caught up with his mouth. "Oh no! I've been heard!"

"Yes, you've been having a circular conversation with me for the past forty seconds."

"Huh?"

"Yes."

"Wha- huh?"

"Is that a song?"  
"Why are we talking?"

"What's your _name_!"

"Yes! It is!"

"Wait, your name is It?"

"No, how could you come to that insane conclusion?"

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm waiting for Sanity."

"Yes, you really do need some."

"Some what?" His brain caught up again. "Wait, that didn't make sense."

"What?"

"Yes?"

"What?"

"Stop saying my name!"

"I don't know what your name is!"

"Yeah, my name _is_ What."

"How did you forget your name in the middle of your sentence?"

"I didn't! That's my name!"

"That's your name?"

"Yes!"

"Well, That, what are you doing here?"

"Who is this That and how is he doing me?"

"... What?"

"Yes?"

"Stop talking! All of you!" shouted Sanity from above.

"Who're you?" asked the Chief. "And please get to the point, unlike this guy."

"I'm Sanity Eldritch."

"Cool. And this guy?"  
"Complete stranger," Sanity lied.

"Well, okay. What are you doing here?"

"Trying to stop this... insanity."

"Oh, you mean my conversation with young That over there?" asked the Chief, twirling his cigar in his mouth amusedly.

"No, actually I was talking to that guy in the deerskin cap over there. The highway robber."

"You know, it's actually highway _man_."

"This guy called himself that," said Sanity. "Apparently his boss told him to infiltrate the police force." Of course, this was all a lie, but the poor detective/highway robber could hardly defend himself from the untruths that Sanity was speaking against him.

"No, that's not what I was sent here for!" he cried in outrage. He realised what he had just said, and continued (in a more subdued tone), "Not that I was sent here for anything..."

"See, he's denying it. Take him away, boys," said the Chief, taking over spectacularly from Sanity's job of deluding himself. After a few seconds, he said, "I have a weird sense of deja vu. Take him away, _boys_."

"Oh, oh right," said the first unnamed cop. "He said it again."

"Well, it just goes to show, kids!" said the second unnamed cop. "Don't watch those cheesy low-budget police movies, or your vocabulary will be reduced to a pile of cliched phrases and generally stupid words."

"Oh, and on the way out, stay away from the fourth wall!"

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Twenty-five minutes prior to the crime scene fiasco, Sanity was facing down the creepy girl who owned all of a mercantile consumerist city-state.

"Oh, hello! I'm Whitney, and I like cake."

"Okay, that's wonderful. Go, Tsunami!" Releasing everyone's favourite sociopathic blue crocodile, Sanity grinned evilly at the Gym Leader, daring her to make a move.

"Oh, hello! I choose my Clefairy! Clefairy, use Metro... dwarf?"

"Nome. Metro_nome_," said a random person on the sideline.

"Yes! Metronome! That's what I meant," she said. The little pink thing started waving its hands up in the air, and a gigantic ball of fire started growing over its head. "Ooh! It's just like a ball of fire! A gigantic one!"

"You understand that you are fighting against a crocodile that can blast water from its mouth, right?"

"So what?" To amplify his point, a torrent of icy water splashed onto the fireball, causing it to dissipate harmlessly, and the Clefairy squealed in terror. "Don't worry, Clefals!"

"Are you serious?"

"Use... Metro-midget!" she commanded. Obliging, the Clefairy rose its arms and a healing aura surrounded it.

"It used Recover," said Seventh. "Use Surf!"

"Tsunami doesn't even know that move!"

"Ice Fang!"

"Okay, then," said Sanity. "Ice Fang!"

"No, wait, Superpower," said Seventh, changing her mind.

"Superpower, I mean," said Sanity hastily to his Pokemon.

"Metro-garden ornament!" A rock materialised in the ceiling, and started to fall. Tsunami leaped at his foe and delivered a neck-wrenching roundhouse kick, and the rock, reorienting itself to find the crocodilian, smashed into the pink fairy-thing and reduced it to a red bloodstain on the ground.

"At least all of its organs and bones were liquified on impact," said Sanity consolingly. "It couldn't have felt a thing."

"... Liquify?"

"Yes, liquify. Turn into liquid. Usually painfully."

"Oh, okay. That's okay then. Go, Tanky!" A chubby pink cow with blue fur on its head mooed loudly in answer.

"Tsunami, Superpower." A flurry of blows exploded onto the fat cow, but the thing's blubber absorbed most of the attack.

"Use Roll-in!" The cow sneezed, and somehow a large boulder flew out of its mouth. The attack slammed into Tsunami's chest, and Whitney cheered in victory. Then the rock shattered into a small pile of sand and grit. "Aw..."

"Ice Fang!" Instead of following his command, Tsunami decided to glow with blue light. "Um..."

"Roll-in! Roll-in!" cried Whitney.

As a pair of physically impossible boulders rushed at the water-type, the blue glow subsided. "Croco!" shouted Tsunami, before his tail slammed into the boulders, destroying them both.

"Moo!"

"Hey, guys!" shouted What, walking through the door.

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**Oh no, another pseudo-cliffhanger! Looks like Tsunami's finally found something that cannot be roundhouse-kicked into complete oblivion.**


	12. Zebra Code I

**Zebra Code 1**

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"What... what have you done?" cried Sanity, in mental torment.

"Feel the logic and rationale slowly filtering from your mind, in an eternal dance of torture and generic bad things!" said Seventh, displaying the most blatant, disgusting violation of physics ever in the entire universe- a freaking Gyarados.

"It warps time to avoid freaking beams made of mud!" he moaned.

"Actually, it cannot be hit by mud because it's part flying-type."

"I have been driven to believe that anything is possible. Sea serpents. Can. Warp time."

Seventh shrugged. "Well, now may be the time to tell you that it is also capable of breaking the following general laws of science: It is a non-flying creature that can avoid earthquakes... on _land_. It can summon rain in the middle of a route perpetually in sandstorm. It can fire laser beams from it's orifices. It can somehow avoid being hit by any flying clods of dirt, despite being a giant sea serpent. Being given a ball made of iron (that it couldn't hold anyway because its mouth is perpetually wide open and it has no hands or arms) somehow stops it from being able to ignore ground-based moves, even in the middle of an ocean. And it has somehow erupted from a fish that can fly for a limited period of time (look up Bounce)."

"See. Insane. One thing bugs me, though," said Sanity. "I thought we weren't one of those hate-fics that points out every logical flaw in the Pokemon World?"

"Oh, yeah, but this is the first ever Zebra Code episode!"

"You made that rhyme on purpose."

"You were meant to ask me what the Zebra Code is," whispered Seventh. Continuing in a louder voice, she added, "Anyway, the Zebra Code is the bizarre name that our author has assigned the following law of any game whatsoever: Loopholes WILL be abused. Horribly."

"That's a stupid law. It doesn't make any sense. Like, how do you get a loophole in chess?"

"... You use a bishop to take a king?"

"The entire point of a king is that it cannot be taken, any moves that would put the king into a line of fire are supposed to be undone?"

"But what if the line of fire that the king is in is so ridiculously overcomplicated that no-one notices and we just keep on playing chess without you realising anything?"

"I... I knew it."

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**Loophole No. 1: How to Use Roost Without Giving Up Your Immunity To Ground-Type Moves**

"Come on out, Bronzor!" cried the little anonymous trainer.

"Go, Loophole Example Natu!" said Ten Past Three, Ten Past Twelve's in-story alter ego also known as 'Jim'.

"Use Stone Edge!" A slew of sharpened stones whirred through the air, aimed at the green bird's sensitive eyes. The stupid thing just sat there, and it was skewered horribly.

"Well, come on out Loophole Example Natu Mark Two!" said Jim. "Use Skill Swap!" A strange green aura enveloped the two foes, and some weird invisible thing jumped between them.

"Use Stone Edge!" This time, the stones leaped from the ground _underneath_ the bird, but the attack missed despite the fact that it was aimed at a sitting duck. No pun intended. "Stupid eighty percent accuracy," the anonymous trainer grumbled.

"Use Confusion," said Jim. The bird used its limited telekinesis to pick up a clod of dirt and hurled it at the Bronzor, making good use of its temporary lack of levitation.

"Huh? That's not how-" The clod of dirt suddenly mutated into a giant mushroom, and the fungus crushed the Bronzor. "Wait a second. That... it... that makes no sense!"

"Pull out your next Pokemon, before I have my Natu psychically eat your Bronzor."

"... I will not ask how that could be accomplished. Go, Diglett!"

"Why send out a ground-type against a flying-type that now also has Levitate?" said Jim.  
"I would say that I have a cunning plan, but I don't. Diglett, use Sandstorm!" A weak wind blew some tumbleweed into the middle of the battle field. "Good enough."

"Use Lucky Chant, Loophole Example Natu Mark Two!" Pink light descended upon the green bird, and magically was absorbed into the Natu's feathery body.

"Ha! Now your Natu has taken damage from my Sandstorm!"

"It only blew some tumbleweed into the arena," he pointed out. "It's okay, though... I was waiting for this moment to arise!"

The doorbell rang. "Wait, we're not even indoors." It rang again, and Jim sighed. "I'll go get it."

He opened the door to a hippy from the '60s. "I heard a submarine was ordered. A yellow one."

"Bye." Slamming the door shut, he hurried around it into the park where they were battling. "Y'know, it's weird that there's a door in the middle of the park," said the anonymous trainer.

"Okay... use Roost!"

"Don't you understand, you fool! My Diglett knows Earthquake, and now that your Natu's flying-type has been temporarily disabled due to the use of Roost, I can now screw you over! Diglett, Earthquake!" A massive tremor rippled through the ground, uprooting a nearby redwood.

The Natu... was unfazed. "How?" cried the anonymous trainer.

"You see, Roost does not negate the ability Levitate, and so flying-type Pokemon with Levitate have therefore achieved a practical application! Take that, Headscratchers!"

"A small, highly specialised and very circumstantial application, but yes, a practical application," said the anonymous trainer. "Also, could we please stop calling me 'the anonymous trainer'? I have a name, you know. It's-" Jim quickly kicked the anonymous trainer in the stomach, causing him to double over in pain, then grabbed a Grade-Ag hammer and silenced him.

"And so the Conspiracy of The Silver Hammer remains hidden!" he cried, before a gaping pit in the earth opened up and swallowed him hole. Before it closed up again, three words echoed up to the surface world: "I will survive!"

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"I am disgusted. Is this going to continue?" asked Sanity.

"It most certainly is!" said Seventh.

"I'll just go and stock up on sick bags, then," he said. "Later."

"You know, that implication that this Loophole Abuse show causes nausea makes me angry," said Seventh quite happily.

"It makes _me_ hungry!" said What.

"... That was unnecessary, What," said Seventh. "Now our viewers are going to be either horrified, confused, or, for the truly bent, overjoyed."

"And it makes _me_ language!" Bugsy chimed in.

"I am afraid that that statement does not make any sense to me. Explain."

"Well, you know that old joke?"

"No."

"Look, I'm trying to explain something here. There are three words in the English language that end with the letters -gry. Two of them are hungry and angry, what is the third word in the English language?"

"I am not aware of a third word, despite having memorised the entire dictionary in both English and Pig Latin."

"... Why would anyone do that horrible thing?"  
"Continue," said Seventh icily.

"Well, the joke here is that the question is actually 'what is the third word in the English language?'."

"It's language, you fool!" cried Seventh.

"Exactly," said Bugsy.

"I fail to see how that is humorous in any way," Seventh said bluntly.

"Well, what happens next?" asked Bugsy.

"No I don't!" cried What in indignation.

"Well, which loophole do we showcase next?" he asked in the same breath.

"There's something about the uselessness of Imprison in a normal battle... oh, I see. Our next loophole will be... Negating the Recharge Turn Of Hyper Beam!" said Seventh, flourishing a Bronzor-shaped fan.

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**Loophole No. 2: Negating the Recharge Turn Of Hyper Beam**

"Go, Bronzong and Steelix!" shouted Jasmine, Gym Leader of Olivine City.

"Bring it on! Come on out, Tsunami, Theodore!"

"Hyper Beam, Bronzong!"

"Dodge the-" The pulsing lights flew completely off course, smashing through a pair of the Gym's walls. "Eh. Never mind. Use Hydro Pump!" The attack shot at breakneck speed, pumping into the Bronze Bell Pokemon's face-like surface, and pushed it back a couple of centimetres.

"Ha! Your puny water-type moves do nothing to the might of steel!" snickered Jasmine.

"Sanity! Fire-type moves are super-effective against steel opponents!" said Seventh helpfully, sitting at the sidelines.

"Arceus dammit."

"_And_ her Bronzong can't move for a turn after using Hyper Beam!"

"You aren't allowed to help!" snapped Jasmine.

"Actually, she is. Theodore, Flamethrower!" A column of flaming power erupted from his Typhlosion's back, and it cascaded into the steel body of the Bronzong, pushing it to the floor. After a few seconds, the flames let up, and the Pokemon unsteadily rose back into the air. "Ha! Another hit like that, and he's as good as down!"

"But," contradicted Jasmine, "I have another agent of pure might at my disposal. Steelix... Roar!"

"Hey, I thought we weren't doing spoilers about my new-"

"On Bronzong."

"Ah," said Sanity sagely. "Why, may I ask?"

"So that I may bypass the vulnerability of a Hyper Beam, fool!"

"You're talking like Seventh," he noted.

"Now, go, Magnezone!" Some bizarre UFO-shaped machine clinked onto the pitch.

"Shouldn't it be levitating?"

"Ah, but that is my _next_ move. Magnezone, use Magnet Rise!"

"... Being able to avoid ground-based moves will not help you against the threat of fire."

"Levitation _always_ helps!"

"I really hope that this doesn't become canon. Anyway, Tsunami, use Hydro Pump on the Steelix."

"Huh?" said Jasmine intelligently, completely thrown. This attack, unlike the other, was an utter knockout, and the Steelix was entirely drenched in damaging water with wholesale hit-point wipeout.

_See, this is what happens when you let Seventh write a scene._

**Oh my god. That explains everything.**

_Even the breakage of the fourth wall just then?_

No, fools, that was naturally the writer's astute skill at work.

_Seventh, get off the keyboard._

**Never... **Never!

"Can't we just end this scene early? I really didn't want to star in this chapter, anyway."

**You. Are. The. Star.**

"Hey, rhyming is my occupation of audience relation!" cried Seventh in dissent.

"You aren't even supposed to be able to _hear_ these voices. Let alone reply to them."

"Well, I assumed that, as this will never be let into canon now, I would be capable of bending the physics of this story, meagre as they are," explained Seventh. "But, as thou wilt, sire!"

**...Okay, we'll end the scene here.**

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"Boy, that was fun," said Seventh slowly and carefully.

"What are you doing?"

"A fellow- a _normal person_ told my good- told _me_ that my methodology- my _way_ _of communicating verbally_- _speaking_ was bizarre and strange- _skewed_. So, I shall-"

"Okay. Right. You can stop now, because a sentence that would have taken seventeen words took over twenty. In other words, stop talking. Period. Full stop. Zippit. Silence. No more. Button it. Put a sock in it- put your whole sock drawer in!- Hold your tongue with a pair of red-hot tongs. Just shut up."

"So, what happens now?" asked What, who had been neglected again.

"We crest the fourth wall again and end this chapter. Whoops, I just did that, time to leave."

"Never!" cried What. "I heard from the editors that we wouldn't be starring in the next chapter or two, and since I get ignored so often, this may be the last screen-time I get for a decade!"

"... What, what are you talking about?"

"You said my name twice."

"I would complain, but _I_ of all people really should have known better," said Sanity. "I meant to say that this is complete rubbish."

**Blasphemous editor- wait, heh-heh-heh, that most certainly _is_ rubbish! Just random non sequiturs spouted by our resident non sequitur spouter!**

_Forget it, not even the viewers are buying this._

**But they must! Viewers are morons, like that site says!**

'That site' also has a page entitled 'Viewers Are Geniuses', so I would not make daily assessments based on it.

_You still haven't stopped speaking like Seventh._

I WILL NEVER CEASE!

**Let us simply end this, before someone incites Godwin's Law.**

_Ha! You... wait. Wait. You play your cards well, old friend._

Not really. All he had to do was avoid mentioning Hitler until- Oh. Damn.

_I kind of feel bad for stealing the show from the actual protagonists..._

**Don't sweat it. Apparently Ten Past Twelve's introducing a couple of new characters in Hoenn, and they'll eventually cross paths with Sanity and co. Someone should make a name for them. Sang?**

_That's stupid._

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**Oh, and by the way, the battle between Sanity and Jasmine is... NOT CANON! Sucks, huh? Well, it is true that I'm introducing Alex and Hannah in the next... oh. Wait. Forget what you just read. I was not meant to reveal that to you.**

_Reveal _what_ to _who_?_

**Nothing, evil writing monkey spirit!**

_I do not believe you! Pay for your crimes!_

**(Thumping sounds)**


	13. Sudden Shift Of Focus

**Crises of Sanity**

**The Finesseful X: Hooray, you're back! You're my only regular reviewer, you know.**

**In this chapter, there will indeed be no Sanity. Sad, indeed.**

0

"So, let me ask you again. Are we lost yet?" A weary voice rose from a thick cluster of tropical trees for the seventh time in an hour.

"Not... quite. I'm fairly sure that we're not two whiskers from where we're headed!"

"And can you remember where we _are_ headed?" said Mai.

"Wait, let me get my notepad... um... subtract the six... carry the nine... add on the three... Goldenrod City?"

"We _were_ headed for the Sevii Islands," she sighed, "But you somehow managed to lead us onto Hoenn." She indicated a tourist directory map with the word 'Slateport' emblazoned on the top.

"Now, you never made it clear that we were trying to go to Sevii!" said the navigator in defense.

"No, but I _did_ tell you that _I_ was headed to Sevii. I paid you to take me there, in case you've forgotten," pointed out Mai.

"... Is that a manatee up ahead?"

"A _what_?" She shot a look at the trees in front of them, confused. A twig snapping underneath a boot made her turn her head swiftly. "Hey, get back here!"

"Never!"

She was about to deliver a cutting retort followed by a feat of physical prowess that would somehow allow her to drag the navigator back to the sign, but halfway through the retort realised that she didn't actually need him for anything. "Never mind." With feline grace, she smoothly turned to exit the jungle.

"Hiya!"

"Bwaargh!" Mai screamed, leaping into a clump of bushes.

"Oops, sorry about that," said the strange boy who had just popped into existence a metre in front of her. "I'm Zach Redwing, from Hoenn."

Brushing her red bangs from her eyes, she muttered, "Why do I continually run into fools?"

"What was that?"

"I said, 'And I'm Mai Intelligence, to _you_'," she grinned falsely.

Zach digested this fact for a while. "You... you realise that it sounds like you're saying-"

"Yes, I am aware that my name is a pun." In a quieter voice, she continued, "It's like the gods are trying to make me pay for my existence sometimes."

"... I didn't quite catch that part?"

"I said, 'It's based on the homophones of M-A-I, Mai, and M-Y, my," she said quickly.

"So, where are you headed?" he asked her.

"Something to do with metamorphic rocks and boats... Marblepier?" she suggested.

"I think you mean Slateport," he said.

Mai nodded vigorously. "Yes. The place where ports and slates abound!"

"Slate."

"What?"

"Slate. The plural of slate, as in the metamorphic rock, is slate," explained Zach.

"Okay... well. So, where are _you_ headed?"

"Same as you. I'm on a journey to help Professor Birch on his research, and I'm basically just cataloguing every single Pokemon in the world by cramming them into metal spheres that have yet to be explained with reasonable logic," he said. "This so far means running across the country, staying nights for free at centres that appear to run on revenue generated by miscreants and government fund-"

"Enough. This is exactly what half of my friends are doing for _our_ region's professor," said Mai. "But I'm travelling not to further Oak's research- I'm travelling for the fun of it!"

"Either that, or there's a dramatic reason fuelled by either jealousy or some other negative emotion in play here," whispered Zach to himself.

"Er... what was that?"

"... Either that, or there's a problematic scheme devised by crazy Miltank scientists in a conspiracy to start a new... um... plague scare! Yes, I was talking about plague scares," said Zach.

"Our entire relationship will be built on lies," noted Mai.

"What was that?"

"Our entire relationship will be of the truthful type," she amended. Deceptively.

0

"Oh, woe is me! For I have-" The fair maiden, theatrically decrying her worrisome situation, was rudely pushed aside by Mai as she cleared the street for a battle.

"Thanks for getting out of our way, now let's battle!" she said quickly.

"Why are you talking so quickly? You aren't even trying to cover anything up."

"Or am I?" she said.

"What?"

"'I guess you're right', I said." Pulling out a Pokeball, she cried, "Go! Firestorm!" A luxuriously furred beast with nine tails lightly bounced onto the concrete street, and a couple of passersby stopped to eyeball the new addition to the scenery.

"Hey, a Ninetales!" cried a street hick. The offending Captain of Obviousness was shortly the target of a concentrated Flamethrower. "Oh, god, my eyes! They're sweating and boiling! The- the pain!"

"Stop it, Firestorm- our foes are _over there_." She indicated Zach, who was stretching his quads while pulling out his Pokeball for some bizarre reason.

"Okay, Sev, let's do this," he said to the inanimate storage device as he performed a couple of sit-ups. "Go, Seviper!" A Torchic jumped from the Pokeball and started pecking Zach's legs as he finished his stretching routine.

"Why would anyone name a Torchic 'Seviper'?"

"Because... I heard that Torchic can learn Toxic? Like a Seviper?" said Zach, obviously clutching at straws.

"Yes, but so can anything else," Mai pointed out.

"Really?" he cried in astonishment. Abruptly, trying to hide his surprise, he expressed an eagerness to begin the battle. "Well, let's just get this party started!"

"Did you just say-"

"Battle! I meant battle!" he corrected himself hastily.

"Well... Firestorm, use Flamethrower!" Another column of flames poured from the Ninetales' mouth and washed over the little chicken's orange feathers like water would if it were fire and not water.

"Ha! Your attack only dealt passing damage to my Torchic!" laughed Zach.

"Your Torchic does not seem to agree."

"Yeah, it- wait." The fire-type starter was lying on the floor, unconscious. Without pausing to wonder how or why a barrage of flames would knock _anything_ out, much less a fire-breathing bird, he said, "That's the last time _I'm_ trusting my Pokedex! How come the HP reads 'a hundred and ten'?"

"Wait, that's not how those things work," said Mai. "Gimme that." A few clicks of a button later, she said, "Here. The HP reads... Zero out of eleven."

"... Oh."

"It was upside down."

"How did you know?" cried Zach. "I thought that I had concealed it masterfully!"

"Um. Well, it might have something to do with the fact that I could read it from your hands despite being opposite you. Just a suggestion," she said. "Also, I thought you _didn't_ know."

"I didn't."

"So why did you say all that?"  
"I felt that it needed to be said."

"It really didn't," Mai disagreed.

"Anyhow, I choose you, Splash!"

Expecting to see a water-type, Mai was taken completely by surprise when she found that her next foe was a... Seviper?

"Um... that is stupid," she said.

"What's stupid?" Zach asked, completely nonplussed.

"The fact that you have a Seviper called 'Splash', _and_ a Torchic called 'Seviper'," said Mai. "Don't they get confused?"

"Um... Splash, Poison Tail! Ha! You cannot defeat my mighty snake!"

"Firestorm, Fire Spin." A bizarre tornado-like churning mass of physics-defying flame spontaneously sprung into the air that Splash was occupying, and it screeched in agony as flame licked at its body.

"Return! Return! Return!" shouted Zach hastily. "Okay, you're good."

"No, I haven't won a single battle in my life. Well, before this."

"So... um..."

"Yes, you _are_ that bad." A hammer fell from the sky and hit Zach on the head. He barely had time to mutter something groggily about llamas before he fell to the floor, out cold.

0

"What are you looking for?" asked Zeron, hanging upside down from the garage ceiling ventilation shaft.

"None of your business," his friend grunted brusquely. Flinging a second hammer over his head and into the busy street, he ignored the frenzied honking and prodded at the junk inside the toolbox. The mechanical parts recoiled from his touch, and started hissing.

"... Is that meant to happen?" Zeron asked after a stunned silence.

"Would it scare you if I said no?" Xer said.

"Possibly. Depends on what the... thing is made of."

"Buzzsaws, hammers, spanners, and safety pins," judged Xer. "I think I can see some of those sharp pointy gear-stick thingies, too. That, or a syringe needle."

"Oh. In that case, yes, it would."

"Well, sorry to have to tell you this, but... I have no idea what that thing is." There was a moment of zero actvity. "Um, Zeron? Aren't you going to-" He had a sudden epiphany, and it broke his train of thought quite abruptly. "Darn. He got away."

Out on the streets, Zach was roused from a deep slumber with a bucket of freezing water, courtesy of a nearby trainers' Masquerain. "Aargh! My head!"

"Don't worry, you only got hit on the skull by a flying hammer," said Mai.

"I- _what_?" Zach said, jumping backwards as far as possible while sitting on a road. "A hammer? As in a blunt object used to-" An angry driver interrupted him with his horn. "Can you just get the heck off the road, Snorlax Beauty? I got stuff to deliver to that workshop you're lounging around outside, and no 'ou' combinations will stop me!"

"But I got hit on the head with a-"

"Move it!"

"Fine," he grumbled. "Huh. I could die of a brain haemorrhage any second now, and it'll be all your fault! Huh."

"MOVE. IT."

"Must... resist... urge... to... continue... with... running... gag... of... pointing... out... capital... letters..." said Mai through clenched teeth.

"I told you, hurry up and MOVE IT! That's in capitals, and so there's no-"

"Denying it," Mai muttered under her breath, unheard by anyone else.

"Replying what?" asked Zach, having misheard her quiet mumblings.

"Replying... um... pit?"

"That was flimsy. Even for you."

"You've known me for less than an hour," said Mai. "Most of which was spent with you unconscious. You cannot profess to know anything about me."

"Well... um... would you believe me if I meant to say 'That was easy, even with shoes'?"

"Apart from the fact that it does not logically follow on from the last few statements and questions? Well, then yes."

"Thank the Llama. I meant to say-"

"Do you understand this invention called sarcasm?"

"Why, it's like bronzy and goldy, except made of- oh. Wait. Sarcasm, huh? Well... can't say I have," said Zach, inwardly cursing Mai's choice of words (that coincidentally screwed up every single Blackadder reference he could think of). "Oh, wait... no, that's straying into _Firefly_... er... yeah. No idea."

"You are an idiot. Now, come on, we should find something to do here."

"Hey, that's Xer's! Although I guess he won't be needing it any more..." A tall, lanky boy of about fifteen drew up towards them, gesturing towards the discarded hammer. "Hi, you two!"

"Who're you, and how do you know this hammer?"

"Mm? Oh, Xer threw it into the street when he was looking for something in his toolbox."

"Who's-" Right on cue, a shrill scream pierced the air, but was cut brutally short by a strange retching sound and a series of metallic clanks. A whir that sounded somewhat like a buzzsaw getting turned on started, and Zeron quickly excused himself.

"Oh, and by the way? If you see Xer, tell him I'm getting help."

"You're getting help?"

"No, not really. But what Xer doesn't know can't hurt him, right?"

Mai considered this for a brief moment. "He's going to get either killed or maimed by something that appears to be a living buzzsaw."

"See, I knew you'd see it my way! Bye!"

As Zeron bolted down the nearest alley, a horrifying sight befell Zach and Mai. A swarm of hovering Gillette razors, with several arms made of random metal tools and tipped with buzzsaws, whirled down the street at a high speed, the razors orbiting crazily, gouging holes in cars and buildings, slicing into the flesh of the slow-moving, and scraping the paint on Mr. Sawyer's fence.

"Oh. Holy mother of Arceus, that thing is BIG!"

"I'm slightly more concerned about the number of blades. Firestorm, get a Fire Spin ready! We can trap it with fire!" The goldish fox-thing barked majestically, and a torrent of flame washed over the bladed behemoth. It stood still for one, two seconds... and then started moving again. This time, it was hissing and spitting with anger and mild discomfort. "Okay, so that didn't work. And now it's superheated, and super-angry. That gives us... about three and a half seconds before it reaches us and we start burning to crisps."

Zach started running. "Come on, Mai! Maybe we can reach high ground!"

With a sigh, she followed, but felt that she had to rebut his cunning plan. "Zach, the thing _levitates_."

"... Low ground?"

"That would- of course! You're a genius, Zach!" cried Mai. As she ran furiously down the streets, she said loudly, "We're in Slateport City, right?"

"Yeah," he confirmed.

"And Slateport _does_ have a beach, right?"

"Well, _obviously_," said Zach.

"So let's get into the sea! It'll cool down the monster and also start rusting it over! Maybe it'll even electrocute itself and fall apart!"

"Hmm... I like it. Let's get to that water! Slateport Port, here we report!"

"Slateport?" said a jogger who was somehow easily keeping pace with him despite the monster. Then again... the monster. "This ain't Slateport."

"... It's not?"

"No, it's Goldenrod City," said the jogger.

"Then... what was the sign about?"

"I'm a crazy psychopath, okay?" he said defensively. "It's not my fault I decided to randomly stick a sign that read 'Slateport City' in the middle of the Ilex forest."

"But... how did _I_ end up in Johto? I was in Hoenn! In a Pokemon Centre!"  
The jogger took a while to reply. "Well, there's a magic monster made out of shavers chasing us. Less talk, more run."

"You know, upon hearing this, I can't help but think that you're behind the shavers too," commented Mai after a few minutes of good hard running. Despite the monster's levitation, they'd managed to shake it off, mainly because it didn't seem to have eyes and kept on charging shaver-first into concrete and steel walls. However, it was still inexorably advancing upon them, as if it had a radar lock upon their particular heat signatures thanks to the Fire Spin. But that's not very likely.

"So now how do we beat it?" asked Zach, finally recognising that the 'port equals water' plan would not work.

"You could try, um, running?"

"Yeah, but wouldn't people die?" asked Zach.

"Look, I'm trying to help you here. We could run, and then... um..."

"You're bad at this."

"Hey, it's the first time I ever helped some-"

"Of course!" cried Mai. "Jogger, get over here." Under her guidance, the runner performed an acrobatic backflip, and hit the wall. Hanging on for dear life, he struggled to pull himself onto a ledge. "Quick, Zach! Do you have a Pokemon that can glue things together?"

"Do I? _Do_ I?" Zach laughed. "No. I don't."

"Um... Go, Firestorm!" The fox again materialised in a flash of red light. "Use Hyper Beam! On that wall!"

On the wall, the jogger slowly realised what was happening. The Ninetales would use Hyper Beam on the wall, melting much of the concrete it was made of. Then it would utilise its Flash Fire ability to absorb all of the heat in the building, quickly solidifying the entire wall again. He'd get stuck in the concrete, and then the two could quickly make their escape while the shaver monster was distracted by him. A cunning, if overly cruel, plan, one that would be destined to succeed. Unless, the mastermind criminal Jogger could use his brilliant mind to devise an even more cunning counter-scheme in order to escape the wall and live to once again terrorise Gotham- _Goldenrod_ City and serve as Catchgirl's arch-nemesis once again.

Shortly, he gained an intimate and thorough understanding the meaning of the word 'screwed'. "Darn, I really _should_ have left those gymnastics lessons alone... I mean, the martini incident was _one_ thing, but now..."

The monster turned the last corner, and all of its shavers started whirring at high speed.

"Also, I wish I learnt more about physics. I'm _sure_ that levitation with shavers is not a viable possibility..."

0

**Oh no, yet another cliffhanger/wallhanger! Next chapter, we get to see what diabolical masterminds are behind the shaver monster, and also Sanity again. Hoo boy, did I miss _him_! (Actually, I'm kinda disappointed that I have to go back to him...)**

_What was that?_

**Um... I'm blindly pseudo-appointed because I live in a Gym?**

_Uh-huh... I'm not Zach._

**Or are you?**

_Huh?_

**... I wear shoes.**


	14. Quid Pro Quo Subverted!

**Crises of Sanity**

**The Finesseful X: Glad that you like the newbies, 'cause they'll be here for a while. As for the 'something', it'll be given a name soon enough... but not this chapter. However, if you look at the clues and consider the options, maybe it'll come to you. Also, the letter 'T' factors heavily into this.**

0

As the monster bore down upon the jogger, he shut his eyes and started praying to llamas. It raised a long, physics-defying arm made out of screwdrivers and other sharp, pointy objects, and slashed.

"Aargh!" screamed the jogger, feebly struggling to escape the entrapping concrete.

_Kreek_! A painful screeching sound blasted into his ears, and the jogger dared to open his eyes a crack. What he saw was... not good. Next to the shaver monster and engaging it in brutal combat, a second monster was hovering. This one seemed to consist entirely out of machetes, stilettos, and one or two chainsaws, and it seemed to have much more control over its form. Dispersing into a massive but sparse cloud of knives, the monster was easily able to hack most of the shavers to bits. Despite its superheated state, the monster quickly realised its loss and fled (and the jogger internally cursed his position). The second monster, reforming into the denser cluster of knifes, turned to him.

"Um... hey, how do those chainsaws work without a power outlet?"

The monster clinked uncomprehendingly.

"Hey, that's a strange place to put a piano!" This time, there wasn't even clinking. "Oh, right. No eyes."

"Well... would you be surprised to hear that I'm actually made out of titanium? Because, yeah, I'm actually made of titanium. I'm a robot! A big, scary robot! And-"

"How did we end up back _here_?" blurted Mai.

"I don't think we're the best of navigators..."

"Hey! Two succulent, tasty children! Don't eat me, my muscles are far too stringy!" laughed the man unconvincingly. In reply, the monster plunged a stiletto blade into the jogger's head. "Oh... right. Gah... no... mah..." His voice trailed off into nothingness.

"Um... Is it just me, or does the monster look... pointier?"

"RUN!" shouted Mai. As they took off, the monster noticed their movement, and, as monsters do, it gave chase. Down streets they tore, only just out of the thing's long reach. As they rushed down a fifth street, Mai found salvation in a furniture store on a street corner. "Quick! In!" They tumbled inside, and Zach quickly hauled a couple of shopping trolleys to barricade the door.

"I think that it must be able to add knives and other metal objects to its body..." gasped Mai, clinging onto a trolley.

"So, levitating and generally being unbeatable isn't enough, huh?"

"Hello, and welcome to HomeWear, the one place for any and all carpentry, silverware, clothing, and bathroom utilities," said a mysterious voice from hidden speakers.

"Okay, right- wait. Did you just say _silverware_?"

"Yes. The silverware section is right next to the door," the speakers replied.

"It _what_?"

"Look, over there!" Horrified, Mai found the evil cutlery and dishes, and the horror was emphasised by a loud thumping, clattering sound from outside.

"Oh llamas, it's here."

"Quick! Hide the knives and forks!" cried Mai. She threw open a couple of cupboard doors and started chucking silverware into them.

"What about spoons?"

"Just hide everything!"

"What are you _doing_?" asked the intercom. "You are soiling our products!"

"There is a monster made out of knives trying to kill us. I would recommend you shut up and _leave_." As they finished their task and locked the cupboards, they hurried deeper into the store.

Back at the doorway, a tremendous shattering noise betrayed the monster's forced entry into the HomeWear store, and the two accelerated, charging further away from the bladed thing.

The speaker was barely audible over the clattering of the monster, and after a few seconds, it was located and silenced. With a knife. "Please do not- _ksrhk_..."

As the monster approached the cupboard in which the cutlery was so _cleverly_ hidden, a sound like several dozen pieces of silverware trying to escape a cupboard revealed the location of the knives, forks and spoons to the creature. With a smooth slashing motion, it reduced the cupboard doors to matchwood, and a swarm of sharp, pointy objects flew from the cupboard to join the monster with alacrity.

In the clothing section, Mai suddenly said, "Oh. Crap."

"Why? What's so crap?" asked Zach, as he rifled through the Men's Underwear shelf.

"I don't know. I just felt that I needed to say that."

"D'you think these'd look good on me?" he asked after a few seconds, holding up some boxers.

"... How would _I_ know?"

0

"Okay, Tsunami! Use Water Gun again!" Another blast of pressurised water hit Tanky in the face, pushing it back a few metres.

"Moo!"

"Use... um... Hyper Beads!" commanded Whitney.

"_Hyper Beam_?" said Sanity, taken aback. "Dodge! Dodge!" The newly evolved Croconaw leaped quickly out of the way, and the painfully bright beam lanced through the air that he'd inhabited a few seconds prior. "... What is it- ow! My chest!" The beam thudded into his body and knocked him into the back wall. "Ouch, that hurt."

"Oh dear," said Seventh mildly. "You shall be unharmed, however. The beam of Hyper deals damage not stellar, when used by a creature of weakness, and therefore you shall evade the slumbers of deepness!"

"What was that?"

"I was _not_! Am not. Was never, is never. Will not? Haven't. Um... not? Yeah, I'm not That. Wasn't that. Was not, and _am_ not That. That? My name is What. You know, it's funny. I feel like I haven't spoken for half a month."

"What?" asked Whitney, her less-than-able mind unable to follow the complex thread of his monologue.

Intervening for the sake of stopping another 'What' scene, Sanity quickly shouted, "Water Gun! Push it out of the arena!" Tsunami responded with eagerness, blasting gallon after gallon of pressurised water out of his mouth, and the Miltank mooed feebly, drenched in water.

"I do believe that this is the first non-fatal battle you have engaged in," said Seventh.

"Actually, there was this one time when we didn't actually kill a Zigzagoon. Right, Tsunami?" He looked down to the Croconaw, who huffed indignantly and crossed his arms. "Hm... Seventh, using your vaguely terrifying knowledge of all things Pokemon-"

"Episode Two was the first appearance of Officer Jenny!" cried What.

"It was named Pokemon Emergency, and featured the first appearances of Goldeen, Koffing, Ekans, Meowth and Team Rocket!" Seventh countered. "It also marked Ash's entrance into Viridian City, and the first humiliation of Jessie and James, which led them to endlessly pursue the Pikachu that defeated them! Also, it-"

"Stop. Talking. Just tell me, does Cyndaquil evolve too?"

"Of course! As one of the starters of the Johto region, adjoined to Kanto and south of Sinnoh and north of Hoenn, it possesses the capacity to evolve twice!" reeled off Seventh. "Also-"

"Enough." Seventh pouted, but complied. "Okay, now let's get out of this- hang on." He turned to Whitney, and held out his hand demandingly. "Badge."

"Fine!" expostulated the girl Gym leader. She flung the badge at him and flounced off to her mighty throne. "Huh. BE that way! (And there's no denying _that_, so _there_!)"

"... O-kay. That was... odd. So, as I was-"  
"I'm thinking about changing the name of HomeWear to something like... PhoneBear?"

"How about ToneClear?" suggested Seventh.

"Yeah! I could make it a-"

"Wait, what is this? You're considering changing the name and purpose of a shop? How is this similar to a mercantile consumerist city-state in any way?" cried Sanity.

"I am... Whitney."

"So?"

"Sorry, she goes into confusion state whenever people use words that have more than ten letters in them," said the random person on the sideline.

"She's been talking to Seventh for the last three seconds," pointed out Sanity, but when the random person on the sidelines shrugged, he dropped it.

"My name... is a pun."

"I'll just be leaving then."

"I train... Pokemon!"

"Yeah. You sure do."

"I am good at... um..."

"Yes, you go do that," said Sanity distractedly. Somehow, the door had vanished, and he had no idea where it could have gone. "Er... where's the door?"

"Oh, it does that sometimes," said the random person on the sideline. "Just mysteriously vanishes, for no reason. Or maybe it's because the building is on lockdown. Take a look at those security monitors!"

"Is... is it wise to have security monitors out in the open like that?"

"Just look," he snapped. The fuzzy black-and-white images flickered a little, then jumped around, before settling into a clear image of a swarm of flying knives, with a couple of chainsaws thrown in for extra slice.

"In the name of all that is holy, and everything that isn't: The _hell_ is that?"

"No clue. It seems to be made out of levitating knives, so three guesses that it's dangerous," replied the person on the sideline smartly.

"Okay, so that's wonderful. Hey, is that a window?" asked Sanity, pointing to the glass screen overlooking the city.

"Well, yes."

"Tsunami, Water Gun! On that window!" commanded Sanity.

"What are you doing?"

"Getting the heck out of this Gym." He looked around, searching for something. "Hey, is there a hammer here?"

"Comrade Sanity! I have found an egress of epic proportion!" cried Seventh, gesturing at a large, jagged hole in the back wall of the Gym.

"Aargh!" cried the random person on the sideline. "How did that hole get there?"

"It... _may_ have something to do with the Metagross next to her," said Sanity. Burster was indeed standing next to its master, stoically staring at the gaping rift and acting like it had nothing to do with anything.

0

"Why is there a hole here?" asked Zach to no-one in particular.

"Just shut up and get in! Maybe it'll miss us!" said Mai. Stepping in to the Gym, she narrowly avoided getting hit by a Hyper Beam in the face. "Aargh!"

"Hey, what're you doing here?" asked Sanity.

"Oh, we're only running the hell away from a monster made out of knives and forks!" She looked up, and saw the monitor. "Gah! Oh. Wait."

Zach followed shortly thereafter, and locked eyes on Seventh. "Who are you and where have you-"

Trying to make a proactive statement for once, What decided to introduce himself. "Hi. I'm What."

"You're _what_?" asked Zach, broken from his attempt at creating a good impression Seventh.

"His name is What," said Sanity, neatly slicing apart the incoming conversation of death. "His last name is Thehell."

"What the hell?"

"Yes, his name is, indeed, What Thehell."

"... Are you messing with me?"

"Okay, look. You were running from something. Right?" probed Sanity.

"Yeah."

"What. Was it."

"Oh, that knife monster," Mai said, gesturing at the screen. Upon looking at it, she noticed something wrong. It had apparently moved since then. "The one... that was..."

"Oh. So it was following you, and now there's a gigantic hole in the wall. Thanks, Seventh," said Sanity, adding it up.

"You do not need to thank me," she replied modestly.

Mai opened her mouth, and Sanity shook his head, silencing her. "So. Give me one good reason to put my amazing mind to this task and stop it. I could easily flee."

"It's a levitating creature made of knives," pointed out Mai.

"Your argument is... persuasive. Okay, let's see. I could melt it," he said. Before anyone could refute the idea, he continued, "Or I could wash it away with water. Or... I could have Tsunami use Superpower."

"Sorry, fire doesn't work. We tried," said Zach.

"Water?"

"They're _stainless_ steel," countered Mai.

"Um... Superpower?"

"How would that solve anything?"

"Well, I heard that fighting-type moves were strong against steel... so logically..." Sanity trailed off, realising that his suggestion sounded like one of Seventh's. "Well, we're desperate here, right?"

"Yes, but not _that_ desperate," said Mai.

"Well, let's just see what kinds of Pokemon we have. Go, Splash, Seviper, and Katch!" Three Pokeballs flew into the air, and landed, revealing a Seviper, a Torchic, and a Skitty.

"Meow."

"Go, Firestorm, Avalanche!" Mai's Ninetales and Snover made their appearances, growling menacingly in front of their trainer.

"Well, my only other Pokemon's down right now, so I only have Tsunami."

"With power originated from ancient days, and power summoned with ancient ways, I choose with great and astute deliberation, the masters of psychic concentration! Destiny! Burster! Phantasm! Form ranks, and prepare for savage engagement!"

"Is that... normal?"

"For her? Yes," said Sanity. He examined the assembled army of Pokemon, trying to figure out a cunning plan. For some bizarre reason, Seventh's were clearly a cut above the rest, standing in a rigid line and awaiting orders.

"Okay. Well. I think that, given the psychic powers, we should use the psychics to hold the knives in place. Understood?" said Sanity.

"Certainly," said Seventh sunnily.

"Then, we'll have... the fire-types melt down each knife. Individually. Tsunami and snow-tree thing, take care of cooling them down." He stopped, deep in thought.

"What next?" asked Zach.

"Seventh, the spider?"

"Who?" asked Seventh, not understanding.

"The big red thing with six legs."

"Oh, you mean Phantasm! He's an Ariados, the evolved form of Spinarak," revealed Seventh.

"It can use Psychic?"

"Most certainly."

"And if you had no idea before, a Pokemon is behind the knives."

There were gasps of surprise and realisation all around the room. "How could he have known?" asked Mai, "He hasn't even seen it in the flesh! Steel. Whatever."

"I hate to break this to you, but there are billions of individual Pokemon on this planet, every single one of them capable of breaking some law of physics. How could it _not_ be one of them?"

"Er..." Try as they may, neither of the rookie trainers was able to come up with a solid reason for overlooking the high possibility of Pokemon involvement.

"I'd call you stupid, but..." He shook his head. "Anyway, let's-" A series of metallic clinks and clanks reached his ears. "You three! Psychic!" Bluish energy blasted into the knives, paralysing all that it hit.

"Okay, you and you! Start with your fire attacks," he commanded, pointing to Firestorm and Seviper the Torchic. They responded with gusto, shooting Embers and Flamethrowers into the mass of blades. "And now, Tsunami, use Water Gun on the red hot steel."

"Avalanche, use Powder Snow!"

"Splash, use... um... nothing?"

"Which one is Splash?"

"My Seviper," he said quietly.

"Sorry, I didn't catch that."

"My Seviper!" he screamed, breaking down into sobbing.

Sanity grimaced, mildly disgusted. "Well. Let's just see what- aargh!" A knife flew through the air and almost skewered him. "What the hell?" It smashed into the floor, buried until the handle.

"Yes?" asked What instantly.

"Okay... this is slightly dangerous... hey, what's that?" he asked, pointing at something deep within the knife armour. A sliver of blue, and a couple of patches of red.

"I know not," said Seventh, "But, assuming that all of this silverware is metal, I would surmise that it is a powerful electric-type, using electromagnetic powers to . Should we remove all of these knives, I expect that one of our number could catch it."

"Beautiful," said Zach, staring dreamily.

Vaguely horrified by his new acquaintance, Sanity said, "I'll take it."

"Ha! You thought you could hide, but I- what the hell is _that_?" Lynn stood in the jagged hole, gaping at the seething mass of knives hanging in midair.

"Why does everyone mistake random objects for _me_?" said What petulantly.

"No, What. Just... no."

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**Oh, and if you don't remember the random person on the sidelines from Chapter Eleven, FOR SHAME.**


	15. Not The Best Situation

**Crises of Sanity**

**Oops, sorry for the late update. In my country it's quarter past ten at night, so it'll be a bit late for most of you guys. While we're on the topic, it would help me if I knew where my viewers are. I know there's a story traffic page that gives me readers' locations, but it doesn't really show me who's actually reading CoS. A GMT plus modifier is fine.**

**As a sideline observation, the delay was totally _not_ caused by my recent addiction to Nethack.**

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Lynn had been surprisingly easy to get rid of. A triple Hyper Beam was enough to get rid of anything, apparently. But now they had somewhat bigger issues, in a murderous Magneton with resistances to half of their moves, and the willingness to walk (or float) through most of the fire-type attacks as well.

"Scatter!" yelled Sanity, as a bolt of lightning barely missed his head. Tsunami wasn't so lucky, and fell to the floor, his back smoking. "Crap. Okay, you, use Flamethrower!" Firestorm immediately launched her attack, and a column of searing heat pummelled into the Pokemon's steely body.

"Mag..." It stopped in its advance for a few seconds, glowing red hot, but continued, heedless of the burns. "Ton!" A second Thunder lanced through the air, and smashed into What. Knocked into the ground, he fell down, out for the count. Luckily, no-one else was harmed.

"Hm..." mused Sanity, checking out his assets.

"Avalanche, cool it down!" commanded Mai, across the Gym and standing with her Snover. A blast of wintry air slammed into the Magneton's side, throwing it into a wall and coating it in a thin, icy crust. The ice melted almost instantly, but did its job, drawing all of the fiery energy from the thing's metallic skin.

"Okay, you, the Ariados!" Nonchalantly, Phantasm turned to face him. "Use-"

"No!" cried Seventh in dissent. "Retain your Psychic hold upon the knives! Destiny, use Drain Punch on yon Magneton!" The Slowking slammed its fist into the steel-type, but the Magneton rolled with the impact, and hovered out of reach. "Now, use Telekinesis!" Greenish energy surrounded the Magneton, but it remained floating. "Hasten! Attack yon irate iron alloy!"

"What?"

"Y... yes?" croaked What on the floor.

"Forget it. Tsu- oh. Wait."

"Splash, use Poison Tail!" said Zach gallantly, pointing his Seviper to the enemy. With a serpentine hiss, it launched itself at the immobilised steel-type, and lashed out with a glowing purple tail.

"Se-_vi_-per!" The blade affixed to its tail slashed, made contact with steel skin... and then passed harmlessly through it, dealing no damage at all.

"Huh?" Zach voiced everyone's thoughts with great articulacy.

"Ah. As you may have been aware of, our foe is a steel-type. Such foes are immune to damage from poison-type attacks, such as the Poison Tail that your Seviper has just executed."

"That... that... how come it didn't even _hit_?"

"Regrettably, I simply _explain_ the laws of physics in this setting, rather than _decide_ them. Were I able to rewrite the very fabric of the universe itself, our current predicament would be studiously different."

"And, somehow, I'm glad that it isn't," said Sanity. "Now, does your Seviper know how to use any non-poison moves?"

"Um... Toxic?"

"_Toxic_, he says. _Toxic_. How could anyone assume that _Toxic_, of all moves, isn't a poison-type attack? How?" snapped Sanity.

"I think it's perfectly reasonable," said Zach. "Anyways, let's use To-"

"Look, I just italicised the word _Toxic_ three- _four_ times in the last minute. Don't you think that I'm trying to tell you something here?"

"Um... to use Toxic?"

"No. Just... no."

"Well then, let's use To-"

"No! Use Mean Look!" shouted Mai. Confused, the Seviper looked to its master.

"... Fine," he mumbled sullenly. "Mean Look it is."

Seemingly frozen in place, Sanity stared at the Magneton for a few seconds after the attack. "Why did you just do that? Now we can't even drive it away."

"Er... um... Firestorm, use Flamethrower again!" More supernatural flame engulfed the Magneton, but it only served to enrage it further. Screeching horribly, it careened into Splash, driving the snake into a Gym wall.

"Splash! Return!"

"_Okay_. Flamethrower, then use... can you use Screech or something?"  
Seventh nodded appreciatively. "Ah, a stratagem! I believe that a Ninetales is capable of Tail Whip, which can lower defensive prowess as well."

"Right, then. Firestorm, use Fire Blast!" As wheeling flames hurtled towards the angry steel-type, Sanity quickly said to the Ninetales, "And follow up with Tail Whip." Bemused by the order, the foxlike creature obeyed. "A couple more!"

The Magneton had been blasted out into the street through the jagged hole, and now, taking the full blast of three Tail Whip attacks, unsteadily buzzed back into the Gym. Angrily sparking, it began glowing with yellow light.

"What's it doing?" asked Sanity, shielding his eyes from the glare.

"It appears to be a Charge attack," said Seventh. "It will double the offensive capacity of the next electric-type move it utilises." Bolts of energy started running chaotically up and down the iron skin of the Magneton, and it started trembling. Smoke wafted up from the screws attached to its body.

"Does Charge stack?"

"I do not believe so, no," said Seventh. "Why?"

Sanity opened his mouth to tell her, but a sudden realisation struck him. "Hey. Wait a second. Don't you have a Steelix or something? _And_ a flier?"

"Why, certainly. However, neither of them are willing to participate in this skirmish."

"What." Fortunately, What had fallen unconscious sometime between the first Flamethrower and the Fire Blast, and so they were spared another dialogue-heavy bout of confusion.

"I do not comprehend any reason to forgo a question mark in your enquiry," said Seventh almost evasively.

"Sorry to interrupt your little conversation," screamed Mai as lightning arced around her, "But _some_ of us are trying to avoid DEATH here!" The Magneton had started an electric storm inside the building, and yellow streaks of lightning continually darted around the room, aiming at the people still there.

"Oh. Right. Does your Ninetales know any physical moves?"

"Um... Slam?"

"No. How about your Snover?"

"It knows... um... Avalanche?" suggested Mai weakly.

"That's even worse," shot down Sanity. "If only Theodore were still awake..."

"Huh? You have another Pokemon?" she cried.

"A Cyndaquil, actually," he said. "Not that it mat-"

"No, take this!" shouted Mai. She chucked a square piece of paper across the Gym at him, but it only managed to flutter halfway before an errant fork of lightning shot through it, piercing its papery skin and destroying it.

"What... what was that?" asked Sanity, disparaging the throw.

"A Revive!" Mai answered, not understanding his intentions.

"But of course!" cried Seventh in incomprehensible triumph. "Do you possess a Rare Candy?"

"Well, yeah, but-"

"Bring it forth!" she commanded, eyes flaring with mysterious methodology.

Mai took a deep breath, and charged across the room, screaming in terror. The Magneton buzzed irritably, and hurled a volley of electric spears at her, but all of them missed. In a dramatic chord of music, she leaped the last few metres, falling into a heap at Seventh's feet. "H-here..." she panted, struggling to catch her breath.

"Excellent. Your Cyndaquil, if you would?" said Seventh, gesturing to Theodore's Pokeball.

Expanding it, he asked her why what the sweet would do. "And how does it help anything?"

"You see, not only does it increase a Pokemon's level, its current hit points proliferate!"

"Yeah, but then we'll have a crippled Cyndaquil. So what?"

"Ah, but I have reason to believe your Pokemon is very, very close to evolution," countered Seventh. "The consumption of a Rare Candy should provide the final boost to carbohydrates and bodily hormones!"

"I'd ask what you're talking about, but I'm afraid of harming my brain," said Sanity. "Let's just use it." Taking the candy from Seventh's hands, he popped it into his Pokemon's mouth. Muscles immediately began working, as the hedgehog's mouth somehow managed to chew the medicinal drug by itself.

True to Seventh's hypothesis, Theodore quickly leaped to his feet after swallowing, and began glowing with blue light. "Quil!"

Grudgingly impressed, Sanity pointed at the hovered Magneton, who'd lost interest in the trainers and was now investigating What's body with electric pulses. As What started smoking, Sanity said, "Flame Wheel!" Soaring straight and true, the newly evolved Quilava performed a series of acrobatic somersaults while on fire, sending small tongues of flame flying everywhere. Buzzing quizzically, the Magneton turned to face the airborne Theodore, and did not see fit to dodge the attack until it hit. Blasted back into the street, the three metal spheres that made up its body seemed to fall slightly apart, and smoking scars were forming all over its skin.

"Mag," it creaked. Yellow light began gathering around its body in another Charge attack, and it whirred back into the building.

"Another Flame Wheel!" said Sanity, while discreetly edging away from What. "Give it all you've got!" The second attack struck with much greater force, and again the Magneton was hurled into the street. "Okay, now finish it! Use Flame Wheel again!"

"Ne. Ton." A random pulse of orange energy collided with the Magneton, and at first Sanity wondered if Seventh had decided to use her other Pokemon after all. And then he saw the burns and scars heal over as if nothing had happened.

"Dammit Seventh, why'd you go do that?" asked Sanity.

"'Twas not me- observe yonder intervening Chansey," said Seventh in self-defence, pointing at the smirking and very evil little pink blob.

"_Dammit Chance, why'd you go do that_?" asked a mysterious stranger wearing a dark hooded cloak.

"Chansey!"

"_Screw that._"

"Magne?" probed the steel-type, somehow inserting inflections into its robotic voice.

"_Yeah sure, go ahead,_" said the stranger. "_Kill 'em._"

Sanity took a moment to consider his actions. They were sharply limited, given the current situation. "I can fight or die. Or both. Hm."

"Quil?" asked Theodore, shaking dust out of his fur.

"Time for some strategy... Mai, get your Snover to use loads of ice attacks on the floor. Build up a nice and slippery floor... Good. Theodore, use Ember over the floor!" Small flames billowed onto the ice, melting it into a puddle across half the gym floor. "Seventh, do you have a Pokemon that can knock the Magneton out of the air?"

"Most certainly! Burster, relinquish your grasp for the purpose of executing a Gravity!"

"Gross!" cried the robotic Pokemon, slamming a metal claw into the ground. Purplish energy rushed in a circle from the point of impact, slowing down people and Pokemon as it touched them. Spreading to the three antagonists next to the jagged hole, the Magneton flailed wildly in the air before collapsing to the floor with a solid _kthunk_. Alarming, the Chansey began spamming Heal Pulses, but to no effect.

"_Oh, great. Now you have no more PP left. Great work, Chance,_" said the mysterious stranger sarcastically. Chance replied cheerfully, evidently taking his outburst as a compliment.

"... What are PP?" asked Sanity, as the Magneton continued to struggle feebly on the floor.

"An acronym for the phrase Power Point. I-"

"Okay, wonderful. Now, let's see..."

"Oh, and incidentally, Tail Whip's defensive debilitation is not negated by Heal Pulse. I would advise an unrestrained assault on the Magneton, followed by removal of the Chansey."

"It- Theodore, use Flame Wheel!" The Quilava began charging, but suddenly slowed. "What the-"

"The gravitational force in the area surrounding Burster has been increased twofold. I recommend the usage of an X Speed," Seventh informed him.

"... What happens if we don't have an X Speed?"

"I believe the current terminology has something to do with screws."

"We're screwed?"

"Yes."

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**Wow, zero paragraph breaks. Sorry about the lack of hilarity present in this one, but I promise the next chapter will involve much comedy!**


	16. Mew Is NOT A Cat

**Crises of Sanity**

**This is Chapter Sixteen. Enjoy.**

**On a completely unrelated tangent, does anyone like the idea of a Vaporeon/Poliwrath Surf duo in double battles, complete with Helping Hand and Rain Dance? Because I want to battle someone with it. So yeah. Generation IV, of course. I'm still on the evil Electric Gym in White.**

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"Magneton!" cried the mechanical creature, still struggling to escape the floor.

"Huh. At least the water's working," said Sanity. He clapped himself on the head suddenly, and he groaned in frustration. "_That's_ it!"

"What is?" asked Mai.

"Freeze over the entire floor," commanded Sanity.

"The Magneton too?"

"_Especially_ the Magneton," he said.

One quick freeze-over later, he told Seventh to call off the Gravity. "And now, Theodore can move again. Use Flame Wheel!" With unerring accuracy and the power of Quilava vested in him, the fire-type launched himself at the trapped Magneton again, and struck true, smashing it into the floor. Now little more than a pile of dented scrap metal, the steel-type whirred weakly before collapsing in on itself.

No, actually a beam of red light hit it, returning it to a Pokeball.

"_You might have defeated Silver, but there's still Chance,_" said the mysterious hooded person. "_Use Hyper Beam!_"

"Chansey!" it cried in answer, before firing a burst of orange energy at What.

"No!" screamed Mai and Seventh.

"Thank Giratina," said Sanity quietly. As it impacted, What heaved a deep sigh and got up.

"Wow, my head hurts like someone was shocking it with lightning!" he said.

"How?" asked Mai and Seventh in joy.

"Why?" cried Sanity in despair.

"_Dammit Chance,_" said the mysterious person. "_I said _Hyper Beam_!_"

"Chansey?"

"Eh. Use Flame Wheel, Theodore!" said Sanity. Crackling with flames, the Quilava leaped from the smoking crater and charged at the Chansey.

"Chan-" It was slammed in the chest, and the pink blob flew backwards.

"_Hm... You're good._"

"No, I'm What."

"_I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to _him_._"

"Oh, he's actually a girl. Called Seventh."

"_No, the boy!_"

"I'm the boy!"

"_The _other_ boy!_"

"Sanity?"

"_Yes, I am sane._"

"How does that logically follow on from what I just said?"

"_How does _what_?_"

"... I don't get it. How do I what?" There was a pause. As the stranger began to say something, What said, "Hold on... I'm confused."

"_This_ conversation _is confused!_" snarled the mysterious person.

"Huh?"

"_What?_"

"Yes?"

"_Who are you?_"

"I'm not Who, I'm What!"

"_What._"

"Yeah. What!"

"_You've broken my brain._"

"Actually, Mai's last name is Intelligence."

"How do _you_ know my name?" asked Mai, recoiling from What.

"How I know- huh?"

"My name."

"_What?_"

"Yes?"

"How do you know it?"

"Know what?" What considered his words. "Of course I know What! _I'm_ What!"

"_What_?"

"What?"

"Okay, I'll listen to you _first_," said What, pointing at Mai. "Give me your name."

"You already know my name!"

"I don't."

"It's Mai! Mai Intelligence!"

"_Hey, how come she gets to go first?_" whined the hooded figure. Sanity shrunk into a corner and began cursing everything in the universe under his breath.

"Haven't you ever heard of ladies first?" huffed Mai.

"Oh ye gods," muttered Sanity quietly. "It goes on... and on... and on..."

"_Ladies _what_?_"

"I'm no lady!" cried What.

"You know, a dyslexic would read 'I am' as 'Mai'," said Mai. "So, actually, saying 'I am no lady' is inaccurate."

"_... What?_"

"How can I help you?"

"_Explain, please, what the hell is going on._"

"How am _I_ going on?"

"Um..."

Sanity rose from his corner. "Look!" he cried angrily. "That idiot's name is What! Okay? You got it? So stop saying 'what'! Say 'pardon me' or something! Just. Stop. Saying. What. I _will_ kill anyone who says that word again, so help me Giratina."

The other three took a really long look at him. "Wh-"

"NO! DON'T. SAY IT."

"_I_ was going to say 'why'!" protested What. "My name is cool!"

"_So, um, should we fight?_" asked the mysterious person.

"No, in this temperament he is liable to go on a homicidal ramapage," said Seventh. "Should a battle be started, he would commit brutal felony."

"So _now_ what?" asked Mai.

"_How about lunch?_" suggested the mysterious person.

"Okay. I think I saw a nice restaurant while we were running away from the Magneton."

The three left the gym, leaving Sanity and Zach alone.

Shortly thereafter, Sanity left as well, leaving Zach alone.

A while later, he came to, and realised that he'd been knocked out for the second time that day. He then called a hospital. The hospital was unable to help; apparently he was out of their 'service zone'. He yelled angrily at the dial tone and left the gym.

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After having left the crime scene, Sanity said to What, "How in the name of all that is holy did you manage to get into a police car boot?"

"It's a tale of honour, valour, ardour, and colour," intoned What. "This is exactly how it happened..." He then proceeded to give Sanity a long and thoroughly detailed explanation of the horrifying and terrible events that led up to the entry of the car boot.

"... Excuse me, but I think I need to bang my head against this wall," said Sanity. After five minutes, he came back with a bloody head and said, "I still don't get _one_ thing."

"Yeah?"

"Why would anyone _do_ that?"

"... Elaborate. I think I said lots of things that made no sense."

"Mailing a poisoned cupcake to the chief, causing you to assume that the rest of the police were in mortal peril as well. I mean, it just doesn't make sense," said Sanity. "Why would anyone _mail_ a cupcake?"

"We live in a strange world," said What sagely.

"You're evidence of that."

"I don't get it."

"You weren't meant to," said Sanity. "Anyway, where's Seventh? You said that they were going after the cursed teapot of Mr. Magoo... where in the name of Giratina is it?"

"The clues all pointed to Olivine City," said What. "We should head there."

"I can't help but feel that we're missing a stop here," commented Sanity.

An old man hobbled up to them. "Hello, young lads! I couldn't help but see your balls!"

"... Please don't be talking about what I think you're talking about."

"I'd like you two boys to take this parcel with you to Ecruteak City!"

"Why would anyone in their right minds ask two random kids to take a parcel to some place far far away?" expostulated Sanity angrily.

"I'm afraid that question has no answer."

"So you're insane. Well, at least you're coming clean." He shot a look at What. "Unlike _somebody_ I know."

"At least _I_ can dance!"

Sanity considered this for a second. "No, that's not it. I refuse to believe that any kind of logic can allow that reply. No matter how contrived and insane."

"So, here's the parcel! Keep it safe!" Before they could argue, the old man hobbled off at a surprising speed.

"Why do _I_ get all the rotten luck in the universe?" asked Sanity to the world at large.

"I don't know," said What, "But it might have something to do with this parcel."

"... Let's just go to Ecruteak."

0

"How did we end up here?" asked Mai. The three trainers, after getting separated from What, had somehow made it to the cliffs ringing Cianwood City despite not having Surfed or flown.

"I know not," said Seventh unconcernedly.

"Doesn't that worry you?"

"Most certainly!" she smiled amicably.

"... Eh. I'd call this weird, but I've been walking with you for- wait a second."

"What is it, Mai?" said Zach.

"What day is it today?" cried the girl in horror.

"It's... um... well... I... oh Arceus. I have no idea," said Zach. "It felt like five, but the sun's only set three times."

"And how many times has it risen?"

"... Well, it doesn't seem right, but I think I counted at least eight."

Seventh, having ignored their entire conversation, suddenly leaped up and whipped out a Pokeball. "Commence thy assault, Destiny!" The Slowking unleashed a blast of fire from his mouth, incinerating a plant-like growth on a cliff face.

"What the heck was that?" screamed Mai in surprise.

"Apologies, for I assumed that a clan of colossal adversary crustaceans had relocated to my construction," said Seventh. "It appears that the interior is untouched, however."

"Okay..."

"What is all this?" asked Zach, pointing to the cave that had been uncovered. Inside were a number of strange appliances and blinking lights, and at the centre of them all, a small table.

"My supremely secretive skeletal space, of course!"

"Your what?" asked Mai and Zach at the same time, having not known of Seventh's strange susceptibility to selecting spoken subjects starting with the symbol 'S'.

"Shall I simply show you?" she said, switching on a superhydraulic sensory system and a stylised saxophone solo singer.

"Seriously?" said Mai.

"So?" said Zach.

"'Sup!" said Mew.

"Gah!" cried Mai, leaping into a superbly circuited special supervision set in sheer surprise.

Mew sighed. "Why does everyone react that way to me?" he asked the world in general.

"A Mew!" cried Seventh, always a little slow on the uptake. "Destiny, unleash thine powers! Thou shalt be mine, legendary!"

"Slow!" The psychic blasted a pulsing wall of water at the Mew, drenching it to the bone.

"Your attacks are pathetic," said the Mew. "Feel the pure might of Giga Drain!" An orb of glowing green energy hurtled to the Slowking at incredible speed. As it collided with Destiny, a cloud of mist erupted into the air.

"Huh," said the Mew. "Defog!" He blew harshly, dissipating all of the Mist with a single breath. As the icy air cleared, Mai gasped in surprise as everyone realised that the Slowking was still standing.

"King!" he grinned, removing the green bubble that had protected him from the attack.

"A Protect," said Seventh. "And now, I beseech you! Use Telekinesis!" Green light bathed the Mew, before solidifying into a series of green rings entrapping the legend.

"That's not how it worked last time," said Mai.  
"Follow with Rain Dance!" Somehow, clouds gathered overhead in the cave, showering all of the equipment and people with water.

"You cannot capture me!" snarled Mew. "Solarbeam!" He began glowing with solar... wait a second. Nothing happened. There was no sun in the cave.

"And conclude your onslaught with a mighty Thunder!" The entire cave was lit with blinding light as a one-hundred-percent accurate electric attack with no recoil and three times the offensive power of Thundershock struck a wet mammalian pink creature that looked kinda like a gerbil or jerboa in a room full of malfunctioning electric instruments. "Now, I shall use my almighty Pokeball! Go, Ultra Ball!" The black-and-yellow sphere bounced over to the convulsing little Pokemon, and swallowed it in a burst of orange light. It shook once. It shook twice. It shook-

"Ah, thank Arceus for Recover!" cried Mew, yawning. He'd somehow managed to magically appear on a smoking washing-machine-shaped object sitting in one of the cave's many corners, and was now stretching like a cat.

"Destiny, utilise Shadow Lock!"

"What the hell is Shadow Lock?" asked Mai as Zach looked confusedly from the still-shaking Ultra Ball to the soaked Pokemon.

"It prevents the manipulation of psychic powers in the foe," said Seventh, "and disables any energy attacks used on the entire battlefield. I developed it while pursuing the legendary Victini."

"Huh," said Mew, "You've gotten much better than I'd thought. I might have to actually concede this point."

"Destiny, Gravity!"

"Trying to stop me from escaping, are you?" smirked the Mew. His smile fell after a few seconds, as its weight intensified. "Well, it's working," he added surlily.

"Trade abilities with your foe with Skill Swap, and then a Toxic!" she commanded her Pokemon, ignoring the jerboa's comments.

"Ha! My Synchronise causes- oh. Wait. Skill Swap. Damn your foresight."

"Do not be ridiculous," said Seventh. "I would never use Foresight on a psychic-type!"

"Okay, so what're you gonna do now? All of your psychic-ish moves are disabled thanks to your Shadow Lock!" said Mew.

"Retreat, my almighty Destiny! With titanium body and tungsten will, Burster, commence thine overkill!"

"Oh, Arceus," grumbled the jerboa.

"Bullet Punch!" The slow-looking metal saucer suddenly vanished into a blur, before smashing into Mew with all of its force.

"Aargh!" he cried.

"Now, defeat our adversary with the powers vested in thou by the very universe itself! Meteor Mash!" One of the steel-type's crablike legs began glowing yellow, and it raced towards Mew again.

"Oh well. Bye bye, freedom!" cried the Mew, winking slyly at the oncoming Metagross. As it threw a clawed foot towards his face, he glowed with a green light.

"Protect?" cried Seventh, aghast.

"Why, of course," smiled Mew angelically. "Didn't you know that it's not actually classified as an energy move, unlike Shockwave or Will o' Wisp?"

"But, of course! You are currently unable to use that move, correct? Burster! Terminate this skirmish with your concluding blitz!"

"Meta!" it roared, hurtling towards Mew once again, claws glowing.

"Take some a _this_!" laughed the pink psychic, rolling with the blow and using the Metagross' momentum to throw it into the machinery behind him. "Detect! Dragon Tail!"

"Opal Memorandum!" barked Seventh. The Metagross began glowing with swirling purple energy, and a ghostly tendril shot at the oncoming Mew's tail. As they impacted, the Metagross collapsed into a red ball of energy and returned to its Pokeball.

"Ha!" Mew smirked. "Can't stand up to- oh..." He sank to the floor gently, and began snoring.

"Assist my endeavours, Phantasm! Utilise Spiderweb!"

"What on earth just happened?" asked Mai.

"Another self-made move," explained Seventh. "It enervates foes that attempt to launch attacks at the user, as yon Mew has demonstrated. Now, Phantasm, I require a Poison Jab!"

"How come it isn't fainting?" wondered Mai aloud.

"Foolish human! My opponent is already unconscious, and so therefore cannot faint!"

"... No, seriously."

"I believe that this phenomenon is related to the fact that my foe has presently fainted," said Seventh. "However, as a legendary, it is immune to the usual teleportation device that spirits away fainted Pokemon in the wild."

"... What?" asked Mai and Zach simulataneously.

"Do not be ridiculous," said Seventh, "Our comrade What has not arrived! He has yet to report his mission status, and so we must consider him dead until he does so."

"Um..."

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**So, what do you guys think? If you'll notice, this chapter (and the one before) lack Sanity's voices. This is because their voice actors are currently on leave. They'll be back by next week.**

**Okay, actually, it's because there's a psychic disrupter that got turned on in Goldenrod as soon as the Magneton attacked. It was put there to halt any psychic assistance for the Magneton, but it also unfortunately stopped the voices from talking.**

_Unfortunately? More like luckily. I still can't believe we have to leave Florida by Wednesday..._


	17. Blasting Things With Lasers Harms Stuff

**Crises of Sanity**

**Well, technically, in some places it's still Friday. So, technically it's not late.**

**On a completely random tangent, now whenever I try to type in 'the', Openoffice tries to input thermonuclear. You will learn why.**

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"So, Jim, what unwary fools will we be watching in today's episode of 'Pokemon League Trainers'?" asked Kim, her permed hair bouncing up and down like a Spoink on a caffeine high.

"Well, Kim, today we have a pair of boys who've been sent on an 'important mission' by our resident Alakazam visuo-audio illusionist, Henry! Say hello, Henry!"

The Alakazam waved at the camera, one of its spoons glowing blue. "Kazam!"

"So, Jim, what does the 'mission' involve?"

"Well, Kim," said Jim, laughing evilly, "Henry's sent them down to Ecruteak City, where they'll have to deliver a parcel!"

"Oh, a boring task, eh?"

"No, no, here's the twist!" cried Jim hysterically. "They don't know where to send the parcel!"

"... So, Jim? I don't see what's up with that."

"They'll have to look through _all_ of the houses!" chortled Jim.

"There are, like, three houses in Ecruteak, Jim," pointed out Kim.

"... Three, you say."

"Yes."

"I could always just cancel the delivery, so that no-one accepts the parcel..."

"That's always the plan, Jim," said Kim. "Otherwise then we wouldn't have any excuse for our sick, sadistic humour!"

"Humour?"

"Sick, sadistic _behaviour_?"

"Better," conceded Jim. "Anyways, now I have a better idea than that."

"Okay, what is it?"

"You know that gigantic, insanely accurate laser blaster we have in orbit?" said Jim, increasing viewers' paranoia.

"Oh, you mean the Laser Seven Point Eight?"

"No, the other one."

"_Prototype T_?" gasped Kim in horror.

"Yeah."

"You mean we'll be using the untried, untested, unsafe and generally unpredictable gamma-photon laser that can level entire _landmasses_ if you so much as sneeze on the controls? Just to mess with a couple of kids?" she asked.

"Yeah."

"I like this idea," said Kim. "Let's get to our remote mountain lair conveniently located next door."

"I can't help but feel that something's missing..." thought Jim aloud.

"Maybe the guys watching your stupid show! Get us some hurt!"

"Good plan! Here, watch them for a few minutes while we get the cannon warmed up."

0

"... I wonder of the purpose this place?" asked Sanity, referring to the large orange building obstructing their path. He'd masterfully removed all instances of the word 'what' from his speech, but that made it get a little roundabout at times.

"It's a road," said What intelligently. "People walk on it."

"Forget it. Let's go, there's nothing for us here."

"There's a road here," contradicted What.

"Hey, a Nidoran. Go, Tsunami!" The Croconaw stretched luxuriously, before turning to the lilac poison-type and flexing menacingly. It gulped audibly. "Use Water Gun!"

The rest of the day continued much like this, and as the sun started to set and the skies darkened, they happened upon a strange shrub in their path, growing in the middle of a cluster of much larger trees.

"Theodore, use Ember on that tree!" Not seeing his trainer's very specific gesture, the Quilava picked a tree at random and set it alight.

"... Should we run, or something?" asked What. His question fell on still air, and he looked to where Sanity and Theodore should have been. "Oh."

"Okay, Theodore, you're going to have to work on your- ah!" A flaming branch whipped past his head, almost knocking his Quilava off his shoulder. Out of the burning undergrowth, a Heracross leaped in front of him, and he yelled a command to Theodore by reflex.

"Cross!" A barrage of fireballs slammed into the beetle, hurling it into the ground. As Sanity sprinted past the prostrate Pokemon, a voice danced from the crackling sound of bushes.

"So _you're_ the arsonist," it mused quietly. The Heracross weakly called for assistance. "Quiet, beetle, or I'll cook you and have you for dinner," it reprimanded sharply.

**So... what happens now?**

_We go back to Goldenrod and catch a Grumpig!_

No, fool! We must find another route to Ecruteak. I believe there is a way through Mahogany Town, and a gym's there too.

"No, what happens is I go to Olivine, and screw the parcel."

_Huh. Funny._

**What is it?**

_Turns out that Ecruteak is the only way to get to Olivine._

"Seriously?" moaned Sanity despondently. "But that way is on fire!"

We could just wait in the National Park until the fire is put out.

"The what?" asked Sanity, chancing it now that What was gone.

**Oh, you mean that big orange building.**

"Wait a second... how do you know more about this than me?"

Pointedly ignoring the human, the voices in his head continued.

_Isn't there a way to Ecruteak through the Ruins of Alph?_

That would require travelling through Violet.

"That's out, then," said Sanity. "I never want to go back to that weird place ever again."

**Pointedly ignoring the human, the voices in his head continued.**

_Well, let's just wait in the Nominal Shark, then._

**National Park.**

_That's what I said._

"Hey, I'm the person who's controlling everything here!" said Sanity.

_Pointlessly igniting the hamburger, the vices in his bed contended._

**Um... I think you messed up a few of the words.**

_Don't be ridiculous! I know what I say and I say what I can eat!_

Yes, you have definitely screwed up.

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"Well, now all progress has been hindered," pouted Kim.

"Don't worry! I'll just shower the forest with a little 'divine rain', eh?" said Jim, flipping a switch. "Oh, wait, that was the Amazon I just hit... Argh! Sorry, Australia!"

"Hang on... I'm pretty sure neither of those actually exist on this planet."

"... Apologies, Kansaska and Nebransas!"

"We need to talk to whoever writes these scripts," deadpanned Kim.  
"There are no scripts. This is pure improvi-" Jim was silenced with a killing blow. Well, not killing, but it silenced him. It silenced _Jim_. It-

"Well, anyway, let's see... Here. Johto."

"So, while the rain's falling, let's see what this button does-"

"No! Don't press anything!"

"Why not?"

"This is a thermonuclear laser beam emitter that can blast anything in this solar system into oblivion we're talking about, Jim. Do I _need_ to explain?"

"Yes," said James- no, wait, Jim- bluntly.

"Okay, look. We want to cause trainers A and B harm, right?"

"Yes."

"And we have this laser to help us hurt them, right?"

"Yes."

"But if we use this laser to hurt _other_ people, then that will detract from the amount of time that we can use to harm A and B!"

"Yes."

"And do we want that?"

"Yes."

"Really? But I thought we were... hey, put your laptop down!" Kim brought her bludgeoning fist down upon Jim's head, and his face slammed into the keyboard. A shard of enamel from his front tooth clattered onto the control panel.

A mechanical voice started talking in the background, but went unheeded for half a minute as Jim violently expostulated profanities. "**Aiming weapon... target sighted. Preparing to fire at entity four-oh-four-oh-five.**"

"... What just happened?" wondered Kim aloud.

"**Entity four-oh-four-oh-five: The weapon itself.**"

"How does a gigantic orbital laser cannon aim at _itself_?"

"**By targeting the main engines and planetside control room,**" answered the voice smoothly.

"Oh, I s- Hang on. It's going to fire at the control room?"

"**Affirmative.**"

"Well," said Jim, having recovered from losing his tooth, "It's a good thing that we aren't in the control room, huh? I mean, imagine that! We'd be instantly vaporised!"

"... I will not reply to that in favour of getting the _hell_ out of this place," said Kim. So saying, she ran screaming to the door, opened it, and left.

"Huh. She's a weird one," said Jim. "Didn't she know that this is a fake?"

"**A fake?**" said the voice. "**This isn't a fake.**"

"Explain how you just heard me."

"**I... it... um... I can't hear you! That's just coincidence! If you ever, um, did happen to ask a question that came shortly before an answer.**"

"Right."

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**Sorry about the short chapter, but 18 will be twice as long to make up for it!... I should really stop making such empty promises. It'll be... 50 percent longer. Yeah. Um... bye.**


	18. Good Is Not Nice And Neither Is Sanity

**Crises of Sanity**

**Welcome. To the incredible, immense, indescribable and intense! Chapter... Three Hundred!**

**Okay, just kidding, this isn't the big Three Double Zero. But I wish it was.**

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"Why is the forest still burning, Wilson?" asked What to his new friend, a pumpkin with eyes and a mouth carved into it.

The pumpkin did not reply.

Another flaming branch fell from the tree it was attached to, brushing against some tall grass as it did so. The agonised squealing of burning Pokemon echoed throughout the fire-lit night, and every now and then a tree or something would fall over and squash something. And it would always be _something_.

"Wow, they're dying like Pokemon, eh Wilson?"

The pumpkin did not reply.

An hour later, What found a small candle in his trouser pockets. Screaming, a Nidoran sprinted past him, fur alight. With great cunning and skill, he waited for another burning Pokemon to come his way, and then he quickly grabbed the unfortunate specimen- a wailing Sentret, both arms bent at awkward angles. Putting the wick of the candle to the Sentret's head (where a small fire was burning merrily) he managed to get it aflame, and he popped it into Wilson's grinning carved mouth. Meanwhile, the Sentret was able to douse itself in water from What's water bottle.

"Well, it's lucky I thought to carve that mouth on you, Wilson. Otherwise I would have no light!"

The pumpkin did not reply.

Out of misguided gratitude to What, the Sentret stayed by him all night, punching out any screaming, dying Pokemon coming their way. It was late in the night when, finally, the flames began to die down. At dawn, nothing was burning, except for the small candle inside Wilson.

"See? If I hadn't put that candle in you, then the flames would have died out and I wouldn't have had any light!" said What to Wilson and the Sentret as the sun shone on them.

"Sentret!" agreed the Sentret cheerfully.

The pumpkin did not reply.

"Well, let's get going then!" said What.

"Sentret!" agreed the Sentret cheerfully.

The pumpkin did not reply.

Picking up Wilson, What asked the Sentret, "Can you lead me out of this forest?"

"Sentret!" agreed the Sentret cheerfully.

After a few minutes of standing still, What said, "Are you sure that we're out of the forest?"

"Sentret!" agreed the Sentret cheerfully.

"Wilson," said What, looking for a second opinion, "Do _you_ think so?"

The pumpkin did not reply.

Suddenly, they heard a rustling in the bushes. The Sentret sniffed the air and, giving a 'Sentret' of delight, scampered to the origin of the rustling. A girl wearing an orange forest ranger's uniform ran out, followed by a badly charred Heracross. "There you are, Sentry! How did _you_ escape the fire?"

'Sentry' chittered for a while, than began miming the scene in which What 'saved' him.

"Well, dude, I guess I have a lot to thank you for! Are you a trainer? You must be, saving Sentry like that!"

"Actually, _I'm_ not the trainer. There's this guy I'm travelling with. His name's Sanity."

"Where is he?"

"He left when his Quilava started a fire," said What, unaware of the sudden rage that had clouded the ranger's mind at the Quilava's mention.

_So he's friends with _him... she thought vengefully. "Okay then," she continued after a brief pause. "I guess you've been here all night, huh?"

"Yup."

"Well, let's go to my house and cook up that pumpkin!"

"No!" hissed What, jerking away from her and clutching his pumpkin tightly. "Wilson's my friend!"

"Okay, okay, fine! I have some Delibird meat anyway," said the ranger. "We'll eat that instead. Follow me!"

Not suspecting a thing, What left with her. "She's pretty nice, eh Wilson?"

The pumpkin did not reply.

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Sanity awoke to the screams of small children. "What the hell is happening?" Realising the evil thing he had just said, he apprehensively awaited What's intelligent input. When it failed to arrive, he looked around his surroundings.

A field of grass was the main attraction of this place, it seemed. It was on fire.

Theodore was running around- Sanity'd forgotten to return him the night before- and dragging dry twigs and logs to a pile of timber in the middle of the field. It was on fire.

One young bug catcher had been reading a book, until Theodore decided to practice his Flame Wheel attack on him and he hurled it away to flee. It was on fire.

A Murkrow weakly flopped away from the bonfire that the Quilava had started. It was on fire.

Sanity looked for the orange building that he'd seen. It was concealed by the smoke and flames, but he managed to find it by following the panicked children as they fled the howling blaze. It was on fire.

He looked at his hand. It was on fire.

"Aargh! Go, Tsunami! Use Water Gun on my hand!" The Croconaw doused the entire field with his life-giving, fire-quenching water, and cries of joy lifted from the orange building and the surrounding areas. Then he turned it into a tidal wave of destruction upon them, sweeping them all into a ditch three or four hundred metres away.

"Why?" sobbed a little boy with a smiley Zigzagoon baseball cap.

"Don't worry, Alex, it's just a- _my back_!"

"Stop terrifying the townsfolk," said Sanity as Alex cried over the mangled corpse of his Uncle Steve. Tsunami grumbled mutinously, but returned to his trainers' side. Theodore was... less cooperative, scrambling around and trailing more fire. "Return!"

"Excuse me, but are you in possession of a Cyndaquil or Quilava?" asked a man in a blue uniform and a peaked cap.

"... You mean apart from the one I just returned that cannot use any fire-type attacks because his father was an Empoleon?" said Sanity.

"Yes."

"No."

"Okay then, have a nice day!" said the policeman pleasantly. "It's great to know that kids are so trustworthy," he added to himself.

"You do realise that not only did he match the description and Pokemon of the arsonist involved in the Ilex fire, Empoleon and Typhlosion are genetically incompatible anyway?" said his colleague, Special Agent Mully.

"Oh. Well, it's a good thing he hasn't run off then, right?"

"An unnamed youth has just set fire to our cars and stolen an old man's bicycle," reported a nameless security officer, as if in reply. "Also, could you please give me back my name tag? I feel expend-"

"How about this," said Mully. "You catch this youth and I give you your tag. Sound good?"

"Well, no-"

"Too bad," she snarled, shoving a walkie-talkie in the nameless officer's hand.

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"Hey, um, this isn't a house," said What as the ranger led him into a deserted clearing.

"No, it isn't," she agreed before bringing her fist down upon his skull.

"Why'd you slap me?" whined What. "I didn't even react to 'what'!"

"What?"

"Yes?"

"Why'd you say yes?"  
"You said my name!"

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did."

"When?"

"Who's she?"

"I never said 'she'."

"_I_ never said you did."

"Yes you did."

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did!"

"I _did_?"

"_What_?"

"Yes?"

"Why are you doing this to me?"

"Why did you punch me?" countered What.

"... Point. Die for your sins!" she cried, mashing her fist into his skull again.

"Ow," said What mildly.

"Why won't you die?"

"Should I?"

"Yes!"

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"Hi there, young man! Are you here to help with the ruins?" said a weird old man with round glasses like a certain man in a certain band.

Sanity, who had hurled the stolen bicycle into the ditch as soon as he'd realised that he was near the Ruins of Alph, nodded. "Yeah... I need to find... um... birds. Yeah. Birds."

"A Pokemon Researcher, eh?" said the old man cheerfully. "Well, I know that there are Natu living near the banks!"

"Okay. Right." Since the old man didn't seem to be going anywhere, Sanity figured he might as well go to the banks. Maybe he could get a Natu out of this.

As soon as he got to the bank, he realised something was horrifying and wrong.

**It's Lynn.**

_No, don't be silly. Blue man all the way!_

I believe it is the forest ranger.

"What forest ranger?" asked Sanity.

Oh, wait, wrong point in time.

"You can travel in time?"

Do not be ridiculous.

**That's what you just said!**

We are meant to be upholding this masquerade _together_.

… _Font thief._

**Yeah.**

"There is no communicating with you!"

**Oh yeah? Well, what are we doing now?**

"... I'm leaving."

*Sanity has signed off the chatroom

*Voice 1 has signed off the chatroom

**Huh. Spoilsports.**

_Wait, 'chatroom'? What is this, the Internet?_

"Natu," cried a little green bird.

"Attack, Tsunami!" The Croconaw picked up a rock and threw it. It hit the bird in the eye, and it squawked. "Now use Superpower!"

Lying on the floor, the Natu silently rescinded any and all belief in a benevolent deity. Sanity realised that he had come without any Pokeballs, and, leaving behind Tsunami as a guard (with express orders to avoid killing the Natu), checked at an archaeologist's tent to see if they were giving out the physics-defying holders of monsters. Funnily enough, they weren't.

"Check the Research tent," said the bored woman manning it. "'s over next to that temple."

At the Research tent, a man playing Ping-Pong with a Grumpig jumped in surprise as Sanity rapped his knuckles on the table. "I need... a Pokeball."

"Okay, but it'll cost ya. We can't go around giving these things out for free," he said, hiding the paddle behind his back. Thirty seconds later, he decided that, actually, he _could_ go around giving those things out for free. "Just stop burning Porky!"

Back at the bank, Sanity realised something... strange. "Tsunami, where is the Natu?" he asked forcedly.

"Croc?" asked Tsunami falsely, playing dumb.

Fire blazing within his eyes, Sanity commanded, "Get. Me. A. Natu." The Croconaw hastened to obey, scampering into the undergrowth. A few seconds later, a shrill squawk ripped into the air, followed by the savage sound of ripping flesh. Tsunami crawled back out of the bush, a bloodied Natu hanging from his jaws.

"Go, Pokeball!" cried Sanity. The red and white orb hit the still bird, and sucked it into the lumenation chamber, where all of the particles that made up its atoms were transformed into hyper-transferrable photons that were vibrated to the sublight frequency of Tsunami and Theodore's Pokeballs. This was then electronically transmitted to the International Trainer Database, where underneath the folder 'Sanity Eldritch', a new file directory was created.

/New Pokemon

/Species: Natu

/Moves: Peck, Leer, Night Shade, Teleport, Lucky Chant, Miracle Eye, Me First, Confuse Ray

/Ability: Magic Bounce

/Capture Location: Ruins of Alph

/Date Captured: 9/7/14

/Special: None

/Achievements: None

/Importance: None

/LOL Factor: None

/Actual Plot Significance Of This File: None

/Point In Continuing This File: None

/Willingness To Cease Writing This File: None

"I wonder why I was just standing still there," said Sanity to himself. "Oh well. Onwards to Ecruteak!"

_You wanna know why I didn't reply to his comment?_

**Actually, yeah, I do.**

_Well I don't know either. Try Voice 1._

*Voice 1 is offline

_What the hell, Internet?_

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**Hope you found this funny. Before leaving this page, please write a review for this story, because writers live on reviews. They are tasty and nutritious.**

**They also taste like cookies. And milk. And butterscotch. And other tasty things.**

**Thank you for taking note of this cool PSA. Have an awesome day.**

**(The above line is a haiku... in a single line! Radical!)**


	19. Logic Hath No Place Here

**Crises of Sanity**

**Lo and behold! The first real plot arc of Crises of Sanity!**

**The Finesseful X: Upon reading your review, I changed the name of the story arc, altered the name of this chapter, changed an old man to a ninja, and made What commit a misdemeanour. (Masterful foreshadowing, is it not?) And what has passed isn't even _half_ of the logic puzzle our hapless protagonists shall soon find themselves entrapped within. (Laughs evilly as lightning strikes What)**

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A ninja leaped from a tree, straight onto his hapless prey. "Halt! Who goes- erk!"

"Hey," whispered one of his companions, "I wanted to say that. And it's 'who goes there', not 'who'- erk!"

The last companion seemed to realise that his friends were dead, and so he wisely stayed silent. However, it did not stop Sanity's newest teammate, Tele, from locating him. "No! Spare me! I have a girlfriend! Her name is-" With a psychic pulse of psychic stuff, the ninja was slain instantly.

"Let's go," said Sanity, his Natu chirping in agreement.

The road to Ecruteak was painfully slow, and riddled with ninjas. Pitfall traps, badly concealed with sparse coats of leaves, and highly suspicious piles of flapjacks on top of tree stumps dotted the forest areas, and once or twice Sanity was tempted to torch all of the trees to end the annoyance. However, it was only a day since he last committed arson, and he was worried that the authorities would consider him a threat and track him down. In addition to that, setting fire to the trees wouldn't necessarily kill all of the ninjas, and it would only alert the survivors to his lethal approach.

Without warning, a shady character wearing a fedora leaped onto the path in front of him, saying,"Hi there! Would you like a bowl?"

"What kind of bowl?" probed Sanity, somewhat uneasily.

"A litmus bowl! They're really good. See, they start off green, but whenever something's inside it, it changes colour depending on whether the thing inside it is an acid or an alkali! I've already sold it to a girl in Goldenrod!"

"Not interested," said Sanity dismissively.

The man said, "Ah, but I'll throw in a-" He did not see Sanity's fist flinging itself into his face until it was too late, and he was flat on the floor. "... mug..."

And then, of course, having rid himself of one problem, another presented itself to the aspiring trainer.

"Prepare for an untimely demise!"

"Now wipe your weeping eyes!"

"To see your oncoming doom!"

"Why, it's in this very room!"

"Unleashing rage in the form of bad rhymes!"

"Team Rocket will knock you out every time!"

"Jackson!" proclaimed a magenta-haired man, whipping out a rose.

"Michelle!" cried a violet-haired woman, whipping out a tape dispenser.

"Glameow, that's right!" chimed in a Meowth.

"... I wonder if I simply _attract_ morons and idiots everywhere I go. It would explain _you_," said Sanity.

"I am _not_ a moron and an idiot, y'all!" protested the magenta-haired man, Jackson. "But I _am_ a moron, come what falls."

"Likewise, _I_ am not a moron, man!" added his partner.

"But you _are_ an idiot," said Sanity.

"That, I did not say!" said Michelle. "But yes, I am."

"He was right about _me_!" cried the Meowth.

Sanity felt like slamming his face into a brick wall. "I'm weeping, alright!"

"Ha, so afraid of our great majesty you are!" said Michelle, using a garbled dialect of English once reserved for singers and songwriters who _really_ needed to put in a quick rhyme.

"I'm _afraid_ of your alarming lack of dignity and intellect," corrected Sanity. "Your 'great majesty'? Not so much."

"How dare you use those quotation marks!" objected Michelle.

"Especially when referring to our greatness!" added Jackson. "That, in comparison, makes you fall into lameness."

"Skitty, that's right!" chorused the Meowth.

"... Did you rehearse this?"

Jackson inhaled sharply. "What? How did this tomfool know?"

"We must go into hiding- lay low!"

"Hide from spies in all the government!"

"And watch out for things to our detriment!"

"Destroying lives with our boundless might!"

"Team Rocket will steal through the night!"

"Jackson!"

"Michelle!"

"Meowth, that's right!"... said a passing Skitty. "Wait, what am _I_ doing here?"

**Providing cheap laughs. Get back to work.**

"Aw... but I had to-"

**NOW.**

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Laughing evilly, the ranger flipped open What's Pokegear and dialled Sanity's number. "Hello, old pal! How do you do?"

"What, why do you sound like some psychopathic freak all of a sudden?" he asked.

"That's because I _am_," she cackled. "Wait. No, that's not what I meant!"

"Who the hell are you? And how did you get What's phone?"

"I kidnapped him and now I-"

Sanity abruptly interrupted her. "Really? How much are you paying me to take him back?"

"Four hund- wait. _I'm_ not paying _you_! It's the other way round!"

"Not with What," said Sanity grimly. "Call me back when you decide you've had enough." He hung up, leaving the ranger confused.

"Huh. That was weird." She flopped down onto her pink sofa of evilness and turned on the TV. On the wall next to it, several newspaper pages and headlines were attached to a bulletin board, and a few darts jutted out from pictures trees on fire. On the couch lay the latest issue of The Daily Goldenrod, a big red X scrawled over the picture- the Ilex Forest in flames.

_A recent chain of arsons, following the route taken by beginning trainers on their first gym circuit, has sparked fears in locals of the Johto regions. Experts have tracked it as originating from a point in Cherrygrove City, where the legendary Pokemon Arceus was reputed to have appeared less than a week ago._

"_If Arceus is involved in this, we can expect a quadratically expanding rise of bizarre and seemingly unnecessary twists, eventually culminating in the implosion of the universe or something," says mythologist Jean Parker. "Either that, or Australia gets knocked out of the running for the Cup for the third year in the row."_

_In an equally strange but seemingly unrelated incident, psychic sensors all over Olivine have recently flared up with massive outputs of energy. Excited researchers say, "This could be the next big legend." However, one Greg Teyshar disagrees._

"_We've all dreamt of finding a legendary," he tells us at _Goldenrod Publishing Inc_. "But the __psychic levels here seem to match that of a moderately levelled Mew, with a few anomalies accredited to the presence of other psychics, perhaps masked by the Mew's."_

"_Supporting my theory, the psychic activity abruptly ceased at about 1600 hours, and remaining, residual energy was surprisingly low. This matches previous scans of areas Mew has recently entered, and we suspect the same has happened here."_

_When asked about what his team of experts managed to find at the site, he was more evasive. "We _have_ found something, but it's of a very... uncertain nature. Until further research has been conducted, we will not disclose anything to the public or media." An extraction team has been_

The rest of the page had been chewed off by a Sentret, mainly for the sake of plot and story. Because knowing everything is never fun, and Sentry knew that. Or, at least that's what we're telling you. You'll never actually know... not until the big reveal in... oh, I'd say about ten chapters.

On the couch, the ranger was in a mindless stupor, by methods best undisclosed. "You know... I should... litmus bowl... that the man sold me..."

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"Explain to me, right now, why you just knocked out a friggin' _legendary_!" yelled Mai at the top of her lungs, the 'What' conversation now thankfully behind them.

"Were my intentions unclear?" asked Seventh, surprised. "I shall stupefy somewhat surly souls with substantiation of supernatural strength beyond standard senses!"

"... In English?"

"English? Expound upon this... _intriguing_ concept. "

"Seriously," Mai deadpanned. "What are you trying to say."

"I cannot answer a query that lacks suitable terminating punctuation!" she said defiantly.

"Lacks what?"

"Of course we are lacking our comrade What! I believe we have recently analysed this, and our conclusion was that he shall be considered fallen until proven otherwise."

"If by 'we' you mean 'you', then yes," said Mai. "'We' _have_ analysed this."

"Splendid. Now we must- something is amiss!"

"Oh god, where's Zach?" Mai realised.

"Do not be foolish, I doubt he has meandered far," rebuked Seventh sharply. "I was referring to the apparent dissolution of my recent capture."

"But it wasn't a capture. You failed."

"Yet I am sure a body remained! What is the cause of this?"

"Psychic. Cat."

"Your contemporary-slang-filled hypothesis has been noted," said Seventh. Frigidly. "As an addendum, Mew is truly nearer to the _Dipodidae_ family, and is only _distantly_ associated with the _Felidae_ family. Thus, your alternate-"

"Can we just _go_ now?" Zach cut in, having mysteriously returned from his brief absence. "It's cold here."

"We must resolve this confrontation of ardent wills at any cost, regardless of our glacial surroundings!" cried Seventh. At which point she realised that she was completely alone.

Outside, Mai was avidly searching for signs of civilisation when she realised that she had lost track of the cave and Zach. About to try to retrace her footsteps, she heard the sound of a Pidgey squawking in surprise in the distance, followed by a loud thump and then the sound of gunfire.

"Get down on the ground!" yelled a man's voice, shortly followed by an explosion.

Another voice screamed profanities at the top of its lungs, before another gunshot silenced it. Something hit the ground.

"How did they get a tank?" shouted the first man's voice, this time frantic and panting. "How did they- whah!" A sound like a bazooka getting fired cut in to his question, and another explosion resounded through the air.

A clamour of rowdy shouts and yells rose, punctuated by gunfire and occasional explosions. "Prepare to die for your sins!"

"Death to all!"

"There will be _no_ survivors!"

"No mercy!"

"Oblivion to the heathens!"

"We will feast upon your tormented souls!"

Mai considered this sudden turn of events. "I think I'll just- erk!"

"Get on the floor!" shouted the owner of the hand around her neck. "Now, who are _you_?"

"Gllrk!" choked Mai.

"Well, _Gllrk_, what are you doing here?"

0

"Hey, prisoner, I'm gonna go- what are you _doing_ here?" said the ranger, her voice ending in a terrified shriek. The walls were streaked with cooking oil, and the kitchen bench was covered in icing, cake mix, and ice cream. Ominously overlooking the scene of chaos, What was sitting on the microwave, pouring random chemicals and foodstuffs into a big red bowl.

"I'm making food."

"Huh? Why food?" asked the ranger, flabbergasted.

"Because I'm hungry, idiot," said What.

"... And is any of this edible?" she wondered aloud.

"I'm not sure. That's why I have Wilson testing," he said. Said pumpkin was atop a grotesque pile of things from her fridge. The flame inside it was pouring columns of putrid, black smoke. "He's a bit slow."

"Hey, this is my chocolate!" said the ranger. "I was going to bring that on my date!"

"You want some?" asked What.

"No! You're horrible!" cried the ranger in revulsion. "And where'd you get that bowl? I keep all my bowls in my bedroom!"

"Well, it might have to do with the fact that I have pretty much free rein in here," said What, thinking.

"But didn't I lock the kitchen door?"

"... Your puny mortal locks are no hindrance to my greatness," said What. "Hmm, I'm sure that this bowl used to be green..." he mused to himself.

"And where'd you get all this talcum powder?"

"Talcum powder?" said What in surprise. "The label said it was 'powdered diamond'."

"Powdered- where'd you get that?"

"Corner drugstore."

"How'd you pay," she asked flatly.

"I found a wallet in the fern in the corridor. I figured that no smart person would ever hide their wallet in a fern, so I took the credit card!" said What, pleased with himself.

"Screw. You." Before she had the chance to uncover any more of the horrible atrocities that What had committed, his Pokegear started ringing again. "Hello, Iridescent household?"

"What a stupid name," said Sanity.

"Huh? Why are _you_ calling _me_?"

"To negotiate the price of What's release," said Sanity, rolling his eyes on the other end. "I'm accepting anything upwards of a hundred bucks."

"Why would you think that I want to pay you to take him?"

"Just ask him to leave. I'll wait."

"Hey, you! Get outta my house!" she yelled at What, hanging up on Sanity.

"I... I don't think I can," said What.

She regarded him confusedly. "Why not?"

"See, prison's grown on me," he said. "It's changed me. I don't know if I could survive outside, on my own..."

"You've been in here for half a day."

"Yeah! It's been so long since I had to hunt for myself, you know? Living on the road, I don't know."

The Pokegear began ringing again. "Okay, so you've made a point. He won't leave."

"Yeah. And I hear that he made quite the mess in your house," he said. "Checked the garden yet?"

In a state of intense horror, the ranger dropped the Pokegear and pelted to her front door. "Not my garden! Oh, if that son of a-"

She was greeted by the sight of all of her prizewinning daffodils and rhododendrons, growing as strongly as ever. "Um... wait. This isn't bad at all." Returning to the kitchen, she found What talking on the Pokegear.

"Oh, hi! Have you checked out the garden?" asked What. "Try pulling one of the flowers!"

Her heart stopped in her chest, and her blood turned to ice in her veins and arteries. And capillaries. "... No."

"Come on, I'll show you!" he barrelled past her, the kitchen forgotten, through the front door.

"No, no, no," muttered the ranger to herself, following him in a daze.

Right at the end of the rows of flowers, What yelled, "Watch this!"

And pulled one of her beautiful rosebushes straight from the roots.

"NO!" she screamed, charging at him. She didn't notice when each plant and plant-like growth extended from the earth on telescoping metal rods. She failed to see the massive orbital laser affixed to a booster rocket rise from the woods behind her home. She didn't even realise it when, on some invisible cue, the flowers began glowing, drawing light from the sun, powering the laser with green energy. Her eyes were only upon the rosebush. "Die!" she screamed in a guttural, hissing voice.

At which point the laser cannon caught her eye. "What?"

"Yes?" he answered immediately.

"Why?" she bellowed to the heavens. "Why?"

"Who's Why?" asked What quizzically.

She paused for a second. "_Why_?"

"Now, that doesn't tell anyone anything," he chided her good-naturedly. She took it... less than good-naturedly.

"Give me the Pokegear," she demanded.

"Okay." He handed her the communication/navigation device. She selected 'recent calls' and then 'Sanity'.

"So," he said. "Got a price in mind?"

"Take anything! Take everything! Just. Take. Him. Away. From. Me."

"Sure... let's say fifty grand?"

"Yes! Have my credit card! My bank account!"

"Okay, that won't be necessary. Just give him a briefcase with all the money, and I'll meet him at Ecruteak."

"Yes! Great!"

Back inside the kitchen, What surveyed his great work. "Well, I'll sure miss this place. Come on, Wilson, pack your stuff up. Let's go."

The pumpkin did not reply.

0

**So remember, kids, if you ever feel like kidnapping the associate of a known arsonist, always remember to keep him locked up and where you can see him!**

**Also, stay away from places where there appear to be tanks and rocketlaunchers. And watch your catches! Otherwise they will teleport to safety and raise an army against-**

**/transmission ended**


	20. High Dosage Of Stupidity Alert

**Crises of Sanity**

**Summer Stupidity**

**Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and that person over there who seems to be looking the wrong way- Welcome, to the triple brilliant and also amazing super fine and very cool first instalment of Summer Stupidity. As the mega cool name suggests, this is an out-of-canon special that only occurs in the months of July and August; this is ultra mega completely not to be confused with the also triple brilliant and also amazing super fine and very cool Summer Stupidity that occurs in the ultra fine and triple sweet months of December and January in Australia and other places in the extra nice and also fine southern hemisphere.**

**If you are confused, I understand.**

0

It was a dark, and also ultra-

_I thought we agreed that only the **bold** writing could be in that stupid dialect._

Apologies. It was a dark and stormy night. Rain was driving against the-

_This is not Edgar Allen Poe. This is an original fanfiction! And yes, now that I've said it, I realise that my turn of phrase is self-contradictory._

Now thou art conversing with actual English.

We're writing the story now, right?

_Well, that **is** what our idiot of an author told us to do, yes._

So let's burn down all of Johto!

_... That is actually a good idea._

No! Do not be corrupted by the dark scourge of What! The evil, disgusting blight that shall destroy us all! And then purge our bright lands of the holy perpetrators of light, cookies and unicorns!

_This_ What doesn't seem like a very nice guy. It's good that I'm here to stop him!

_She was talking about **you**, you dimwit._

Who is this mysterious 'You' character?

I/We/You believe/know/doubt he/she/it/they is/are evil/neutral/good and/or chaotic/neutral/lawful.

_Yeah, we should stick with something with me as a dragon._

A dragon?

Splendid idea, my young comrade!

_Yeah. A dragon that kills everyone and everything except for his mighty team, who'll mindlessly assist him in purifying the world._

... That seems like a remarkably less splendid idea.

_It's that or nothing._

But I am sure that our combined intelligence could-

_**Combined intelligence**? Dream. On._

Surely-

_No. That. Or. Nothing._

Yet-

_That. Or. Nothing._

Very well. Who shall be our mighty hero?

Me! Pick me!

Excellent! I couldn't have selected a better candidate myself!

_**That** may have something to do with the fact that with me as the villain and you as the self-appointed author, there is simply no-one else to choose._

Do not be preposterous!

_Riight._

You have misspelt the word 'right'! That error, now that I consider it, seems horribly ironic.

_Riiight._

Cease your irony!

_Riiiight._

Can we just start our story now?

Very well.

0

**Seventh's Supremely Special Summer Stupidity Story Segregating Several Strange Suggestions Surmising Surprisingly Sensible Senility Should-**

"Can we just get along with the story?" sighed Sanity (infuriatingly).

"Okay, so this is the setup. I am the Defender of Light What Thehell, Saviour of Cherrygrove and Johto In General."

"As stupid as that is, understood."

"And you are the Evil and Horrible Demonic Wingman Of Darkness, Destroyer of Acceptable Targets And Good Things Like Cookies. Because you are the dark side, and I Can't Thwart Stage One, you are allowed to commit any number of evil deeds in my past, the first one of which is unavoidable. I can make saving throws to undo any other action, and my DC is 15."

"Brilliant. My first retroactive, story-setting action is... destroy Cherrygrove horribly and forever," said Sanity. "Although, thanks to _plot_, I suppose you're still alive and kicking after that?"

"Yep! And now I have an attack bonus against _you_, because of the hatred and enmity destroying my hometown fostered!"

"Have I stumbled into a game of Dungeons And Dragons, by any chance?"

"Well, Seventh was interested in it as a kid."

"Brilliant. Just brilliant. And it seems that my standard sarcastic response to anything less-than-great is now 'brilliant'. While I normally would not object, the number of letters scares and horrifies me more than it should."

"Okay, and now you are in your castle on Mount Silver, enacting an evil scheme of your desire! Chosen from a list, of course."

"Let's see the list," said Sanity, dreading what he was about to witness.

"Your choices are-"

Evil Lord of a nation of pyrokinetics, who will use a comet last seen a century ago to empower all of their fiery skills and take over the whole world.

Evil Lord of an army of orcs and goblins and hobbits and other humanoid-but-inhuman monsters, trying to find a piece of jewellery that will gift you with incredible powers, enough to give you the power to quash all your foes simultaneously and forevermore.

Evil Lord of space slugs who can take over people's brains by squeezing into their ear canals, with the mission of enslaving everyone on Earth with slugs.

Evil Lord of dozens of powerful Dark Mages who manage to bring an entire country of people- some of which with similar or higher levels of magical ability- to its knees. This choice is liable to failure of the epic kind, especially the kind related to trying to overcome the power of love and getting killed by a one-year-old.

Evil Lord of the Titans, who in modern-day US of A unleashes a number of ancient horrors and also displays awesome feats of power. Then gets beaten up by a demigod who isn't legally permitted to gamble.

Evil Lord of equally (and sometimes more) evil transforming robots who are trying to take over Earth and also kill their non-evil counterparts. While 'in disguise'.

Evil Lord of the Great Old Ones, who waits to be awakened by foolish mortal mages so that he/she/it may reclaim what was once his/her's/its.

Evil Lord of an ancient conspiracy of vampire pirates, some of whom live on a boat and lend visitors limited illusion powers.

Evil Lord of-

"Are _any_ of these not directly lifted from a popular book or movie series?" asked Sanity.

"Well, on the last page there's one from the George Lucas films-"

"Shut it," he intoned. "Could I just make my _own_ evil villainous scheme?"

"How would it go?"

"See, first I would capture a mighty army of thousands of powerful Pokemon, and train them till any _one_ of them could curb-stomp battle the Champion's entire team in six blows. As we seem to be effectively immortal, this will be easier than it sounds. Then I will take over Johto in a seemingly fascist regime, but as soon as I am comfortably in power, I will kill every single person who may have remotely fascist views or motives. Then I will proceed to reign all of the country in an iron grip of terror, putting criminals and those who offend me to death in spectacular Pokemon Battles to the death where the Pokemon are allowed to attack the trainers. If their successful opponents refuse to kill for their freedom, I will just kill everyone in the general area. Then I will strew their eviscerated remains about the cities nearby to the area, and laugh at the horror and fear on the populace's faces. Afterwards, I will strive to expand my empire, conquering Kanto and maybe Sinnoh."

"How about Hoenn?" asked What, in fascinated revulsion.

"That'll be the testing site for my atomic bombs."

"Oh. See, I was worried that this wouldn't be fair. But since Hoenn's getting _bombed_, I guess it's even."

"Uh-huh. Anyway, I'll then proceed to declare Sanitania- that will be the name of my country, by the way- the master of all other nations. And if any other countries disagree, I will personally travel to their capital, walk up to their leader, and gut him with my bare hands. Then I will declare _that_ country part of my new nation."

"How will you keep the people happy and under control?"  
"Oh, I'll train the entire population to become self-sufficient soldiers, capable of living off the land for eighteen years if need be. I'll have massive war games spanning several cities, and severe maiming and murder will be _allowed_! But... not encouraged, because I'll be trying to promote a sense of unity from that point on. You know, stay together, slay together? And then I will wait for a rebellion to start, and then kill everyone affiliated with it."

"Okay... can you be a Dragonite?"

"... Do you know me? Of course I'll be a **triple awesome and super sweet** Dragonite! If only to kill all of you." He paused for a second. "Why did I just say 'triple awesome'?"

0

"Here, team!" said What, slamming down a briefcase of secret files on to the table.

"How come _I_ never get to do that? And where's Seventh?" whined Zach.

"She is not with us."

"That monster _killed_ her?" he cried in outrage.

"No, you dolt! She's writing this story!" said Mai.

"_She's_ writing _this_ story?" cried What in outrage.

"Yes."

"But I wanted this to be _my_ story!" cried What and Zach in simultaneous outrage. "Grr..."

"Can we _leave_ the fourth wall alone!"

Zach and What exchanged a confused look. "Huh?"

"This is going to be one of those endless dialogue scenes, right?"

**CORRECT.**

"What was that?" asked Mai.

"I was _not_!"

"You weren't what?"

"I was What! I _am_ What!"

Zach puzzled over this riddle for half a second. "Okay, I give up. What are you?"

"What!"

"What?"

"What!"

"You what?"

"Yes, I'm What!"

"This is stupid."

"Who's This?"

"Who's who?"

"Who's what?"

"What what?"  
"I don't get it."

"You what?"

"Enough!" interrupted Sanity, who had mysteriously appeared next to them. In the form of a giant Dragonite with a sub-machine gun for his right hand.

"Gah!" cried Mai.

What leaped into control. "Defenders of Light, attack!" Zach fainted. Mai, terrified, ran at Sanity and started trying to kill him with her shoe.

"Ow! That heel's sharp!" he protested. Then he remembered he was an almighty Dragonite. "Hyper Beam." She was blasted away in a burst of rainbow-coloured energy.

"How dare you hurt a lady!" cried What gallantly.

"Hyper Beam," said Sanity. What was... _**unproblemed**_.

"... I'm tired, Mum..." muttered Zach in his sleep.

"Hyper Beam," said Sanity. Zach was... _**unexisted**_.

**I HAVE AN OBJECTION. NEITHER UNPROBLEMED NOR UNEXISTED ARE ACTUAL WORDS.**

"I'm Sanity the evil Dragonite. I declare both _**unproblemed**__ and __**unexisted **_actual words."

**OBJECTION WITHDRAWN.**

Mai suddenly leaped to her feet and charged suicidally at Sanity again.

**HOWEVER, THE FORCES OF LIGHT AND GOODNESS MUST PREVAIL.**

"I have the magic in me!" she screamed, drawing a Pokeball as she did so. "Go, TYRANITAR!"

In order to counter this sudden development, an Alakazam leaped in front of Sanity. "Focus Blast."

"Go, Garchomp!"

"Ice Beam."

"Protect!"

"Ice Beam."

"Dammit!"

The Garchomp looked at her, confused, assuming that her interjection of irritation was an order for some obscure attack. Then the second beam of cold energy hit it, and the land shark was frozen in a lump of ice.

**NOW LAUGH EVILLY!**

Sanity glared skywards. "No."

**I COMMAND IT OF YOU, WITH THE IMMENSE POWERS ONE WHO SPEAKS IN ALL CAPS WIELDS.**

"That's just stupid. Capital letters may work in-story, but in a meta production like this, they have no more power than ordinary speech!"

**I REFUSE TO ACCEPT YOUR VERSION OF REALITY.**

"Look at it this way... GO. AWAY."

**-**

"SHUT. UP."

**NEVER! NOOOOOOOOOOOO-**

"This is so stupid."

"That would explain the name," said a dry voice.

"Who are _you_?"

"I am mysterious! I have no name!"

"Or you're that guy Jim from the Zebra Code."

"I thought that that wasn't in normal continuity," said Jim.

"Is _this_?"

"Point."

0

In the Mysterious Forest of Mystery, a wicked witch danced on top of a table.

"Is it just me, or does this story get less coherent and more repulsively ridiculous the longer it carries on?"

"Firstly, I must say that you must be hallucinating. B, you seem to be a little disorientated by the sudden shift in surroundings. Fourth and lastly, there appears to be a wicked witch on a table. Ninth, it appears that someone, somewhere, is crying because of the complete deconstruction of all that is human and sane. Thirdly, I must agree with What that he is _not_ That, regardless of the similarities in their names. Concluding my speech, there is not any time travel involved in this whatsoever, and fifthly, there cannot possibly be a person on Earth who follows. R, Plan C was actually to escape and leave the Dementors searching for a prey that was not there. Modifier N disagrees with the Second Clause, and eighth, I have raised an objection to the horrible number of consecutive consonants in the word 'rhythm'. With added deference to the forgotten-"

"Listen, weird voice in the sky, do you have _any_ idea what you are saying?" said Sanity, out of the blue.

"Can I say yes?"

"When it's obviously got to be a lie?" Sanity considered for exactly a hundredth of a millisecond. "No."

"No. It was on the script."

"Okay. Now, tell me, where did you find this... _monstrosity_?" he asked, referring to the thick, leatherbound book that the voice seemed to have been reading from. Everything that he had said was written in painfully familiar writing inside the book, and he assumed that it was from the evil Seventh herself.

"In the house over there."

"Go, Theodore," said Sanity. "Burn down that house."

"_What_?" said the voice.

"And then torch the rest of the forest."

"But why? Don't you want to track her through the house?"

"And then have to talk to _her_? I would like it if I managed to get through this road of horrors with my mind _intact_, thank you very much. And then demand proper working and living conditions from the author. Who, in my humble opinion, is a f-"

To itself, the voice muttered, "Dammit, that isn't how it's supposed to go..." It was interrupted by a screaming man, on fire, charging at Sanity while yelling profanities that should not be inside a comedy.

In between insulting someone's mother and taking God's name in vain, he said, "WHY WHY WHY DID YOU WHY I HAVE A FAMILY YOU KILLED THEM WE HAVE NO FOOD WHY WHY MY HOME WHY WHY WHY WHY-"

He was rapidly silenced by a Grade Ag hammer, and Sanity calmly cleaned the blood off the polished silver with a scarlet handkerchief.

"Huh. Well, Supreme Commander Seventh Of The Sunshine Regiment told me to _improvise_ in the event of events eventually not... 'eventening' as events were eventually 'evented'... so I guess I'll have to improvise! Um... well... I... suppose... there could... um... I... er..."

"Attack Of The Endless Ellipses. Mark Two."

"I have it! Hello, Mister Sanity. Would you like a cup of tea?"

"Aside from the fact that I've probably just destroyed all tea and suppliers of tea in area in the last thirty seconds? N. O."

"Enno? Is that Portugese or Spanish? I _think_ I covered it in my A-Levels..."

"I meant NO. In all capitals."

"Oh, I get it! Well, the book made it clear that orders in capitals were meant to be followed... but 'no' isn't much of an order..."

"GET LOST," said Sanity, for the voice's benefit.

"Actually, now that you mention it..." said the voice. "I think we _are_ lost."

There were five seconds of complete, burning-forest silence after the observation had been made. "Brilliant."

0

**Crises Of Sanity will resume normal updates in August. Like, the Eleventh. Because I am terribly afear'd of the monster computers down south. Terribly afear'd. Also I solely use Open Office for writing FF, and those monster computers I'm terribly afear'd of will probably lack it.**

**I love City Face.**


End file.
